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ENTERTAINMENT
CELEBRITY NEWS
Latest Reality TV Show Causes A Furore!
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Hollywoods Freaky Threesome (At Left) Pose For Their All New Freak Show.
New York, NY. (AP) - America's wackiest trio have teamed together to host the latest reality show 'Freak Or No Freak'.
Realty TV maestro Mark Burnett, famous for hits like 'Survivor' and 'The Apprentice' said that his choice of presenters had the perfect ingredients for the show.
However the teaming up of Michael Jackson, Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson has more than gotten eyebrows wiggling and tongues wagging. Families of abused children, alien abductions and the Jewish faith plan to rally against the show being aired next Thursday.
"What twisted, sick minded TV executives want these multi-million dollar, mind bogglingly insane clown's plastered across our TV screens?" Demanded Natalie Davis, President of 'Decent Folk Against Dumbass American's'. "Isn't it enough that we have George Bush running our country that we have to deal with more insanity?" She raged.
Freak Or No Freak will showcase 16 individuals who will be eliminated over 13 weeks depending on how freakish they are. Every contestant will be handed tasks and projects to complete by the presenters and judged on their performance at the end of each show.
The moonwalk is a hotly tipped favourite.
Hollywood Tabloid Sensation Jessica Simpson Has Lips Removed!
Simpson (Pictured) was having lip trouble prior to them being removed.
Hollywood, CA (AP) - Actress, singer and tabloid temptress Jessica Simpson has sensationally undergone lip removal surgery.
"Everything's done. Everything's fine. Everyone's happy." Her father and manager Joe told the media.
However sources close to the star says she is regretting having taken the procedure. "Jessica's depressed." The source disclosed. "She can't pucker up, she cannot kiss and has trouble sucking pop through a straw."
It is understood that Jessica wanted the procedure following her bout with Botox earlier in the year. "Jessica's lips, in particular her top one got so big she had trouble breathing through her nose." Her dad, Joe was quoted as saying. "Essentially it was for the best that we opted for the full lip removal".
Jessica's radical operation is seen as just one of a string of disappointments the actress has suffered this year.
Oprah To Star In 'Three's Company' Remake!
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Chicago, IL (AP) - Bosom Buddies, Oprah, Stedman and Gayle Pose for the forthcoming TV show.
Oprah Winfrey, Stedman Graham and Gayle King are to reprise the roles of Janet Wood, Chrissy Snow and Jack Tripper in a remake of the hit 70's show 'Three's Company'.
The show was originally made famous by the late John Ritter, Suzanne Somers and Joyce DeWitt.
"It's an unbelievable dream come true!" A FOX network TV executive commented. "We have America's richest coziest threesome actually starring in a show that could easily be from the pages of Oprah's real life off-set shenanigans!" The executive enthused.
It is widely believed that close friend and TV chum Dr. Phil McGraw will be cast as the busy body landlord Ralph Furley. "I'd love to check in from time to time to see what Stedman's up to with those two lovely ladies". Dr. Phil winked when pressed about the subject.
Filming is expected to begin early next year and you can expect there will be plenty of changes from the original TV show.
OBITUARY
World Famous Limb Stretch Inventor Shorty 'Stretch' Sipowicz Has Died.
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Shorty 'Stretch' Sipowicz (Pictured) Gave Height To Millions Of Short People.
Toronto, ONT (AP) - Shorty Sipowicz's childhood was less than normal. Dogged by stunted growth and always referred to at school as 'Tom Thumb', 'Tiny Tim' and 'Tinkerbell' by his Teachers Shorty became determined to find a way to enlighten and heighten himself.
It was while studying at Montreal's McGill University that 3ft 2 inch Shorty came across an old 1920's diesel powered 'Flabber Flapper' - used by Hollywood's rich and famous to stretch out and flatten overly obese actors.
By incorporating it's the basic design and adding some electronically driven winches for the arms and legs, Shorty soon had his very own limb stretching device.
Over a period of 6 months and some gruelling testing Shorty's height shot up to 5ft 6.
"The results spoke for themselves" Shorty enthused. "My legs and arms were long and gangly but at least I was taller!" Soon Canada's Shopping TV station began plugging and selling hundreds of Sipowicz designs. Women and men the nation over were soon stretching themselves silly.
By 1990 Sydney born 'Shorty Sipowicz' had become a household name and saviour to hundreds of thousands of height challeneged individuals. 'Limb-Stretch' had become a household name and had many specific design additions to it including the 'Geni-stretch' for men. Aimed at helping lesser endowed males to perform better after a thirty minute 'Stretch'.
Sadly Shorty has now left his legacy behind him. At the time of his death at 69 he stood 7ft 5 inches tall and still believed he could be taller. His arthritis combined with severe bone calcification ultimately led to his limbs literally snapping from his torso during his last routine treatment. An icon sorely to be missed we are sure!
Trevor The Lemon's Tips For Stupid Folk
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PARENTS: Each week count the contents of your cutlery drawer. This way you can quickly identify if any spoons or knives have gone missing that could potentially be used to administer illegal drugs or commit violent crimes.
FOIL POCKET THIEVES:: By placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each
pocket, would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and
receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.
SUDOKU LOVERS: Solve your puzzles in seconds by logging on to sudoku.sourceforge.net, by typing the clues into the grid and clicking the 'solve' button. This will save you hours of buggering around, leaving you plenty of time to do something worthwhile.
SKATEBOARDERS: Stop your pants from falling halfway down your arse by wearing a strip of perforated leather with a buckle around your waist.
GROCERY STORES: Help promote healthy living by putting your cakes, ice creams, pies etc. in aisles that are too narrow for fat people to fit through.
DRINKING IN BARS: Convince bar staff that your glass of beer is off by sticking your finger up your arse before holding the glass close to their nose.
Until next time dudes...
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LOCAL ENTERTAINMENT
Clifford Steeves Entertainment Round-up
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Hi there Entertainment freaks! Clifford here, fresh from my Annual Wonder Woman annual look-a-like fest.
Boy have we got plenty of music, festival activities, book reviews and hobbies for you to drool over!
Talking of drooling, plenty of men couldn't get enough of me last week as I paraded the streets of Moncton in my sexy costume!
MUSIC
The already sold out 'Moncton Recites The Alphabet' is surely going to be THE music event of the year!
The acts already confirmed in alphabetical order are: Eric B and Rakim, Ex Spice - Mel C, Chuck D, Sheila E, Axl F and Gina G. Various other alphabetical artists such as Jay Z, The KLF and P Diddy have yet to confirm but rest assured Alphabet fans they have not said no!
Elswhere in Popville Mandy Jerkoff and her AswomeTechnicolor G-string band will be performing live at Gasha's Sushi Bar on Robertson Street this Friday at midnight. No tickets required just come in and make the owners glad you showed up!
LOCAL EVENTS ROUND-UP
Moncton is this years host to Canada's Annual Steeped Tea Championships. There is no other Tea that beats steeped Tea in my opinion and there never will be!
Steeped Tea enthusiasts the nation over will decend on Moncton to show us just how to Steep a good cup of Tea. Thankfully last year's winners - Tim Horton's will not be participating due to their less than fair business methods.
So enjoy the real competitors as they Steep themselves silly at The Moncton's Lion Club this Friday.
Tickets are $10.00 on the door and make sure to bring plenty of teabags!
This year's 'Dentally Challenged over 60's Crusty Bread and Rock Cake Bake' will be held at The Riverview Mall. Expect some tough gum biting action as current champion Norella Detroit will undoubtedly be cooking up some real tough cookies and dough for the competiton to swallow.
Don't miss this years Greater Moncton Digger Drivers Association Ball. Tickets are $59.99 from all participating retail outlets. Be sure to watch the synchronized asphalt removal marathon, followed by the Diggers On The Dancefloor Duel.
This show guarantee's plenty of hard hat, rolled tobacco, teeth clenching action!
BOOK CORNER
This Book Offers A Stunning Insight Into The Life Of Iraq's Most Notorius Leader.
One of the most unique facts about the making of this book is that Saddam Hussein wrote his entire memoirs on hundreds of squares of used toilet paper while awaiting the conclusion of his crimes against humanity.
This 437 page autobiographical book focuses on Saddam's extra curricular exploits during his reign over Iraq. In it he painstakingly paints to great lengths and uncontrollable thirst for sex.
"My desires far outweigh my judgment." He is quoted as saying. "I fantasize daily about hairy, cigar-smoking German girls."
If what he says is to be taken literally then Saddam may have had more than 5000 hairy German hookers sent to him during his reign of tyranny and destruction.
'The Horny Dictator' is published by Tigris Books and is available in all fine book stores.
COLLECTORS CORNER
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Cheesecakes. Millions of people the world over eat Cheesecake as their preferred after dinner dessert.
Lately however studies have shown that there are a growing number of cheesecake lovers out there who are turning their average cheesecake into a life long affair.
Please meet Quebec native, Dortie Lortie. Cake shop owner and maker of the largest selection of home made cheesecakes in the world!
We asked Dortie what actually constitutes the basics of a cheesecake.
"A Cheesecake is a simple combination of creamy cheese, sugar and eggs. But this common custard (yes, technically it’s not a cake) also has endless varieties." Pressed for these 'endless' varieties Dortie went on to name a few of these bountiful bites.
"Well in the world of Cheesecake making nothing beats the 'Waterbath' - It's a creamy, silky smooth filling that gets it's name from standing in dirty day old bathwater. Then there’s the 'Old Number-Two' a dense, crumbly “cake” browned with staines. There’s also my favourite, the 'No-Bake Cheesecake' essentially we create it by leaving rotten cheese and eggs in the fridge for several weeks to resemble mouldy marble. And finally there's the 'Italian Meaty Ricotta'. The only meat filled cheesecake currently available the world over. That one is rare and hard to keep down."
I concluded my facinating Cheesecake trip by sampling Ms Lortie's latest creation the 'Corn Clump Cluster'. It was indeed an 'interesting' eat.
Toothpicks aside I walked away knowing a lot more about the world of Cheesecakes and the people who make it their life promoting them!
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