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INTERNATIONAL NEWS
North Korea Welcomes First Arrival Of High Risk Offenders From The US
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Kim Jong-Il Looks On As The First Shipment Of US Prisoners Arrive In North Korea
PyongPing, NORTH KOREA (AP) - Mentally unbalanced murderers, molesters and movie stars from the US and Canada will be sentenced to spent life in North Korea without parole.
If you’re thinking of murdering once, twice, three times or a lot of times think again. If you are a convicted repeat molester your life is now over. If you are just plain dumb and do seriously stupid things watch out. You could be shipped to North Korea - for life!
As of last week it became law in two North American countries (that's the USA and Canada for those of you who are not sure). That dangerous, devilish and deviant types will be handed over to the world's most evil dictator. A decision aimed at goodwill between the three countries during this volatile and tension fuelled time.
North Korean President Kim Jong-Il stated that he was "Very happy to receive America's unwanted dogs!" We cannot imagine what plans he has for them once they are securely within North Korea's borders. But one thing we can imagine is it won't be pleasant.
Family members are asked to bid farewell for their loved ones forever before they are sent away. At least these criminals have that to look forward to.
US Predicts No Trees By Next Year
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Suburban Views Like These May Be Consigned To History By Next Year Top Foresters Claim
Seattle, WA (AP) - Top US Environmentalists and Foresters have released a startling report that predicts most US States will be without trees by next year.
A nationwide study revealed that if companies like Wally-Mart continue expanding there will be no vegetation left at all. "The picture is very grim" Dirk Benedict, President of the National Foundation Of Tree Growers (NFTG) said.
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We have literally no space left to put our national products. If we continue to build at this rate we'll be a treeless nation! The problem is we are already buying felled trees from Canada just to keep up with construction permits. Most of our Western States are already treeless just look at Nevada and Utah"
The United States are already sinking deep into an environmental crisis. With water being pumped from Canada, oil rapidly depleting oil reserves, it now seems the forests are dwindling too.
Many homeowners are now being urged to buy bonsais or mini trees as real trees are becoming too expensive to find and plant and that weighs heavily on tree loving families.
"All I can say is it’s a good job were not Monkeys or Birds". A local homeowner lamented. "Because we'd have nothing to swing or perch on!"
Dutch Police Capture Clog Killer
Clog Killer, Hoogaboom. (Pictured) During A Police Line-up.
Amsterdam, HOLLAND (AP) - Holland’s most infamous serial killer known as the 'Killer With the Clogs' has been captured it was revealed last night.
Gert Van Hoogaboom, 31, was arrested in a gift shop in Wassenaar after clubbing a cashier repeatedly over the head with a wooden clog following a dispute over the price of some mini chocolate Windmills.
"Ordinarily the cashier would have died from the wounds but as luck would have it her whole skull was covered in a series of steel plates." Detective Hooydunk explained.
It is believed the 'Killer With the Clogs' has been linked to at least 17 other murders resulting in disputes with store owners with regards to purchased items over a 5 year period.
"Mr Hoogaboom is going away for a long time, minus his Clogs". Detective Hooydunk winked.
FAST FACT: Famous Clog wearers include Boba Fett from the Star Wars fame.
Toddlers Out Of Control - Study
Toddlers Like These Are Being Forced Into A world Of Crime
London, UK (AP) -
Inner city crimes are on the rise and it’s not your usual suspects that are to blame. That's the evidence being put forward by a top Criminology professor.
Dr Shindig Bataar, a leading Professor in all things criminal has revealed startling new evidence to support the fact that more and more pre teen's are turning to crime.
"We have overwhelming evidence to support more and more children primarily kindergarten age are turning to petty crime to sustain their lifestyle." Dr Bataar sighed. "Only last week a six-month old baby was caught in a 24-7 corner store wielding a soother in a menacing manner. These things just didn't happen two years ago".
Dr Bataar says 'stupid parents' are to blame. "The mother, father or both are to blame. Some parents are not fit to be parents. They simply don't have the brains or intelligence! The unfortunate thing is the kids are being told to go out and steel at the age of two in some cases because the parents know they cannot be arrested!"
This brings into focus the well publicized story of the Bow Street Clan. A group of under two's who made a living smearing the contents of their diapers over unsuspecting. care givers before making off with all the toys.
"Action needs to be taken now. Not tomorrow!" Dr. Bataar stressed.
Annual US Administration Awards Are In!
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Former Defense Secretary Bumsfelt Pondering And Deliberating Indecisively Over His Award.
Washington, DC (AP) -
The annual US Administration awards banquet held in Washington last night proved to be the most popular ever.
There were a few upsets and a few surprises during the course of the evening. The biggest upset was that current President George W Busch received no awards whatsoever.
"George should have been up for something." Vice President Chaney sighed. "But all in all I think the whole event went down well". He concluded after receiving 'The Most Lucky To Be Kept Alive Republican in 200 years" award.
However one of the biggest surprise awards went to former Defense Secretary Ronald Bumsfelt. Who received the award for 'America's Most Shamed Grandfather'. A highly sought after and seldom won award.
Gorgonzola Rice, America's Secretary of State also won. claiming the 'Best Legs The Administration Has to offer' Award for her contribution to looking reasonable in below the knee skirts.
Other awards were overshadowed due to the scandal involving many republicans dabbling in seedy internet shenanigans.
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LOCAL NEWS
Global Warming Reality Not Fiction - Proof
A Piglet Looks On Helplessly As It Drifts Out To Sea On An Iceberg
Wingnut Bay, NUNAVUT (AP) -
Duddles and Deirdre Clements an ordinary couple from Manchester, England set out on what was supposed to be a two week Canadian Artic adventure trip of a lifetime only to discover some of it missing!
"Yep we were a little shocked to say the least". Mr Clements told us from his high rise apartment block. "It's not everyday you see the Sea littered with piglets clinging for dear life on floating pieces of ice". Clements's wife Deirdre continued, shaking her head.
Mr and Mrs Clements had visions of photographing Seals and Polar bears frolicking for fish beneath the sturdy frozen sea but got open water and piglets instead.
Scientists were quick to play down the unusual event. "It was a warmer than normal winter this year so the ice melted quicker than usual and the pigs ventured further north than usual to breed."
While Mr and Mrs Clements received a full refund many people believe that there is a global warming cover up going on to hide the fact that tourism has been poor.
Sausage Prices Set To Soar.
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Sausages Like These Were Once A Breakfast Favourite.
Saint John, NB (AP). Whether it be Wieners, Frankfurters or just plain old Breakfast Bangers, sausage lovers the Nationwide are up in arms over the latest price hike.
Thousands of
Sausage-devouring shoppers have been left reeling in shock and awe, unwilling to comprehend what is happening.
"I'm looking at these prices and they're not registering in my brain." Sausaholic Susan Forbes declared. "I'm on welfare and I love my
Honey Mustard Breakfast Babies! Where am I going to get the extra $10.00 for them?"
Whether you buy yours at the big grocery stores or at the local market expect the price of your favourite sausage to double even triple in the coming months.
Why the hike? We asked New Brunswick Meat & Poultry spokeslady Serpentine LeBlanc why.
"Whether it's the big stores or the little family owned meat shops the simple reason for the hike in consumer sausage purchasing is because The National Union of Sausage Makers (NUSM) agreed on a minimum hourly wage of $15.00. Previously workers were paid 1 Cent per sausage.
Quite simply put - your average sausage has just been upgraded to a highly sought after delicacy!
Moncton; The Perfect Choice For Organized Crime.
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Here To Stay. Crime Is On the Rise And Its Hardly A Surprise!
Moncton, NB (AP) - Moncton has seen a drastic increase in criminal activity in the last decade according to a multi-million dollar federally funded study.
With three of Atlantic Canada's criminal institutions hovering close by the hub city its no wonder ex-cons and the criminal fraternity are lauding Moncton as their preferred town to do business.
The bustling hub is a buzz with prostitution, drug trafficking, armed robberies and thoroughly rotten scum, all falling over themselves to get a peace of the plentiful pickings
"We have long ignored this eventuality as we have always had a small town feel about our city; everyone knows each other, we all grew up together. But as we've grown so the crap from Montreal, Halifax and Coles Harbourhave muscled in on our utopian Mecca." Mayor Loonie Mittens revealed.
"Moncton is a sleepy city. Even the cops are sleepy. Dormant even. They are not equipped nor have the experience to deal with our like. We are professionals and are well experienced in our criminological ways. This ain't Toronto or Montreal this is a town of naive bilingual folk living out their debt ridden dream on a sinking marsh. The ideal surroundings to be prayed upon!" Convicted Murderer, drug abuser and sex offender Curly 'Snakeface' Batons declared from the porch of his dilapidated victorian halfway house on Gordon Street.
This is a wake up call Moncton! Subba culture is here!
Province's Overweight Are Root Cause In Hospital Bed Crisis.
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Beds Like These Are Cheap And Very Handy In Times Of A Medical Crisis.
Fredericton, NB. (AP) - More and more hospitals across the region are reporting Hospital bed losses due to overweight patients.
"Its becoming a crisis. We are seeing more overweight and obese patients entering our Hospitals and as a result are experiencing more and more beds succumbing to these heavy demands". Regional Hospital Spokesperson Dr. Reuben
Zhivago stressed.
As a result the Provincial government is urging its tubby citizens to keep a portable
bed handy just incase such emergencies should occur.
"While we hold no bias whatsoever with the Provinces increasingly overweight patients we feel that it is necessary for them to prepare in advance when being admitted" Zhivago continued.
"Its a problem that is affecting underweight and regular weight citizens who are finding it increasingly difficult to get a bed that is not broken an we feel they are suffering enough without getting the beds they need!" The New Brunswick Premier echoed during a recent interview.
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Atlantic Canada's Rumour Rousing Bore!
Hairy
I Have never completely understood the meaning of the word 'hair'. So after spending an entire month in my public library pouring over a satisfactory explanation to my dilema I came across a passage of text that led me to think otherwise - 'Hair is the filamentous outgrowth of the epidermis found in mammals. It is a characteristic of all mammals, though in some species hair is absent at certain stages of life. "Hairs" are also found on plants, the technical term for which is trichomes. Hairy is something that has attributes to the word hair. Although Hairy used in context with definitions to describe 'a hairy moment' is not to be confused with hair used in conjuction with the original definition'. Simply put, my thoughts exactly.
German
While soaking up the atmosphere last Tuesday in my favourite Coffee outlet I observed with interest an old man wearing a Trilby hat and trenchcoat ask in an unintelligable accent where the toilets were. Upon questioning a female member of staff as to the nationality of the gentleman she said she thought the man was German. Overwelmed with curiosity I asked her how she knew. She told me he said 'Wo ist die Toiletten?'. A Short time afterwards I approached the heavily dressed man and asked him directly. "Are you German?" To which he smiled and replied 'Ja! Ich bin ein Deutschlander". Evidently her observations proved to be startlingly correct.
Women
While attending my weekly Bingo match at the legion Thursday last, I was momentarily distracted from my game when three very scantily clad women with clearly visible track marks on their ever so boney legs entered the establishment demanding to see a gentleman by the name of Rudy. It became apparent after a short while that Randy was no ordinary Bingo playing citizen. I watched in disbelief as he pulled a huge roll of $50 bills from his pocket, throwing them at the women. Who decended on the bills like vultures fighting over a scrap of old dead meat. My suspicions were confirmed shortly afterwards by Police who told me that these women were infact prostitutes out to get paid for their fare.
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