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ENTERTAINMENT
CELEBRITY NEWS
'I've Bagged More Women Than McConnell!' Claims Ronald Trump.
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Ronald Trump And Rosie McConnell Continue Their Tirade Against One Another.
New York, NY. (AP) - The century old feud between wacky billionaire businessman Ronald Trump and loose-lipped celebrity Lesbian Rosie McConnell seemed to have healed last month when the controversial stars did a rendition of Cud's musical classic 'Rich and Strange on the Jay Reno show.
However this Thursday during a tele-conference Trump unexpectedly stoked the smouldering cinders once more by declaring that he'd bedded more women than Rosie.
"I really don't care what Rosie says or does not say about me. Yes she may be gay and very opinionated on anything and anyone heterosexual but guess what Rosie, I've bagged more babes than you!" He suddenly declared.
This prompted an immediate backlash by Rosie the following day in which she retaliated "I've bedded more men than Ronald so what? Even my women are more manly than his! If he wants to play ball I suggest he gets his tied because if my mind serves me correctly everytime he has sex some woman becomes pregnant! At least mine don't!"
North Korean President Kim Jong-il To Race In Nascar!
Kim Jong-il (Pictured Here) Sharing A Joke With Fellow Nascar Drivers.
Silky Sands, CA (AP) - The event of the century will be taking place right here at the Biff Biffle International Speedway this Sunday at the Silky Sands 5000.
All eyes will be focused on the number 187 car come Sunday. A once in the lifetime treat for hard line communist dictators the world over. A sensational publicity stunt in the making is about to unfold.
Yes folks Kim Jong-il will be fulfilling his lifelong ambition to race with the best at a Nascar race. A deal ten years in the making. "Kim agreed to stop receiving American bred cats to feed his hungry population if the American government granted him this one time wish.
"I'll be the winner, its been pre determined" Kim smiled during a photo op with current leaders Chet Jerkins, Wayne Burt, Hank Gartside and Karl Waylans.
New Reality Show A Big Hit!
Reality TV King Neil Burnit Creator of 'Celebrity Stonings' Pictured Here With Host Victoria Pecham.
The show revolves around twelve celebrities. Each has to impress and audience of chimpanzee's with an act selected by its waif-like host Victoria Peckham. The contestant who receives the least grunts gets a stoning they won't forget by fifty-six angry chimps.
"I think the reason its so successful is because people love to see celebrities humilited and get hurt on national TV". Burnit explained. "You just never know what's going to happen. Poor old Vicky got pelted with bricks by accident at the end of last week's show and the ratings went through the roof!"
So far viewers have been treated to stonings on Michael Jackson and former 'CHiPS' star Eric Estrada. Next weeks show should be a real cliff hanger as Joan Collins goes head to head with Elizabeth Taylor.
OBITUARY
Zelda '7up' Gougen Dies Following Bar Room Brawl.
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Zelda '7up' Gougen (Pictured) With Her Trademark Acadian Hair Style Last August.
Baie Avec Bavette, NB (AP) - The Acadian arts and entertainment world were united in grief last night following the sudden death of one of New Brunswick's finest people. Candlelit vigils were held from Caraquet to Cap Pele in her honour.
Zelda Zephyliste Zeonelda Zoe Zaire Gougen was born in Lac St. Gionet. The daughter of a Sheep rearer father and baby making mother of forty-six.
Zelda first hit the headlines in the 1960's for her unique Glockenspiel and washboard routine with the musical band 'The Tourplette's'. More fame was to beckon when she played the triangle for the opening sequence to the movie Doctor Zhivago (1965).
During the 1970's and 1980's she ran and operated her own glass blowing business in which she belched out 1000's of unique Acadian glass related objects. However as the 1990's dawned so did he awareness in the environement.
Zelda opened New Brunswick's first garbage collection facility and began tirelessly devoting her time to retrieving garbage from the roadside. Sadly it was in her local bar just two days ago that she unfortunately got into a drunken brawl with a woman wearing a pigskin jacket. Zelda Gougen maybe gone but she is far from forgotten.
Trevor The Lemon's Tips For Stupid Folk
LUCKY DIP: Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin into a bowl of iron filings.
BABY RATTLE:: Make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a candy stick to an
empty matchbox, then fill it up with ten or so ladybugs.
SAVING GAS: Always fart into the rings on top of your gas stove. This will turn
back the gas meter and save you dollars over time.
LADIES: An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.
TOILET ISSUES: Avoid arguments with your partner about lifting the toilet seat by simply electing to urinate into the sink.
CROSSING THE STREET: Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
Until next time dudes...
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LOCAL ENTERTAINMENT
Bruno Martelli's Entertainment Round-up
Hi there Entertainment freaks! Bruno here from the smash 80's TV show 'Fame!' Imagine my delight when I was asked if I could do a review on all that's new and exciting right here in Greater Moncton!
I bet your all guessing what happened to my Pals in Fame? Well Guess no further because I have the scoop on what happened to some of my former fame friends!
I can reveal that Coco Hernandez became an animal activist and sadly got eaten by a bull seal while protesting a cull off the coast of Newfoundland in 2003. My old buddy Leroy now owns a successful Pancake take-out for retired Gay dancers following a freak groin injury. Ditsy Doris now works as a Lion tamer for the Retired Actors Circus Guild in New York.
I on the other hand enjoy a good Piano concerto and from time to time treat myself to a nice fresh yoghurt.
MUSIC
Acadie Jack, (aka Basil Cormier, the 1988 Acadian Idol Winner) will be wooing audiences this weekend at Mutton Micks's Lamb Rack Restaurant & Bar.
Born in St. Simard Le Baptiste sur le Cote Francais, New Brunswick this one legged singer is probably the most succesful musician to come out of Acadie.
Jack has had a string of hits that have included 'The Hop a long song', 'Hopping Mad', 'Do The Hop', 'Be Hop A Loo La' as well as his chart topping hit 'Hopping its Love this time'.
Tickets go on sale this Monday and are priced $55.00
Elswhere in local music land Curly Collins & His Tambourines will be playing a one off show at The Aberdeen Angus Centre to coincide with the release of his new Album 'Wibbly Wobbly Jubbly Wubblies'.
Tickets go on sale late next year and will be priced in accordance with the necessary tax and inflation rises associated with his upcoming performance.
LOCAL EVENTS ROUND-UP
This year Moncton will be hosting 'The Canadian Bingo Hall Babe Of The Year' awards. At The Moncton Coliseum.
This will be a guaranteed great night out with family and friends. A large buffet of Buffalo wings and Cheese Puffs will be on hand as well as free liquor. Opening the evening will be last year's 'Bingo Hall Babe' winner Doris Vespa of Orillia, Ontario.
The Hillsborough Tobacco Chewing Club with be hosting their annual Adult Spitting Party at the Alfie-D. Steeves Bingo Hall on Wednesday at 9 pm. No Experience necessary. Admission is free.
The Moncton Community Handball Choir will be holding its monthly meeting on Tuesday at 7 p.m. at Greg Garryson's Speedy 8 Motel and Diner on Stedman St. Please bring a sturdy rack and some indoor shoes or slippers. For more information, call Greg at 555-7874.
The Moncton Uni-sex Nudist Liberation Front will be holding its indoor archery shooting session every Tuesday from 6:30-9:30 pm at Zoltar and Asseline Cormier's basement apartment. For more information, call Geoff and Hilda Hildegard at 555-9991.
The Memramcook Singles Sex Club will be holding it's twice weekly chocolate dipping classes in Moncton at The Magnetic Hill Zoo. Price is $2. For more information, call 555-4576 or 555-3333. I can't remember which.
BOOK CORNER
In this book the author paints an extraordinary canvass with this mellow, yet eye-opening piece of astounding literature..
Vera Vulver, also an outspoken Tampon advocate has brought the literary establishment to its knee's with her 60th and latest literary offering.
The book entitled 'The Silent Tampon' centre's around a day in the life of 19 year old Becky, a Biology student from New Hampshire.
From the moment Becky inserts her Tampon we are given a unique glimpse into the life of a young woman who not only juggles her everyday chores with college but also puts up with her drunken jealous boyfriend Gary.
"Books like these are common place". Ms Vulver explained at a recent signing. "But what sets this aside from the rest is Becky's continual battle for everyday survival knowing she's on the rag."
COLLECTORS CORNER
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Prescription Drugs. A staple diet for many. Millions of North Americans swear by them. They look nice, they're expensive, they are addictive and they work!
Garry Garethson has been an avid collector of Pain killers for years. He not only uses them he collects them and over the years has built up probably one of the largest collections ever!
Whether its Aspirin, Ibuprofen, Naproxen or Codeine Garry's got it and got it in numbers. "Who says you need to be a heavy drinker to inflict damage on your liver?" Garry beamed from his hospital bed. "Collecting Painkillers has taken me a lifetime but every pill collected and tried has been worth every penny!"
"When it comes to hardened collector's like Garry, Opioid drugs are the best. "Well obviously anything derived from the opium poppy can make you feel intense pleasure. People who misuse or abuse these drugs can easily become addicted to them. Take me for example, Codeine, Morphine, Oxycodone, Fentanyl and Demerol are my favourites!"
while Collecting Painkillers can be fun, taking them can lead to taking more and more pills to counteract their effects and so eventually many collectors end up spiralling out of control and become very sick in the process.
Still if you love the thrill of collecting different shapes, sizes and colour's Garry says that in moderation you can still fulfill your dream.
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