|
|
|
|
ENTERTAINMENT
CELEBRITY NEWS
Celebrity Face-Lift Set To Become A Huge Hit.
 |
|
Celebrity Face-Lift Panel - Melanie Griffith, Priscilla Presley And Joan Rivers.
HOLLYWOOD, CA. (AP) - The latest reality show to grip America by storm features 16 well known women willing to put their fate at the hands of a cosmetic surgeon.
Celebrity Face-lift follows the women through various cosmetic facial changes. Each week the celebrity with the least improved face gets voted off.
"This show is about preservation, perseverance and pride." Show creator, Neil Burnett confides. "Its aimed at vain, insecure Hollywood women who just want to keep going under the knife no matter what it takes." And, as Neil points out. "There is only one real winner!"
The show, which begins airing next Tuesday night is hosted by three of America's most Surgically altered celebrities - Melanie Griffith, Priscilla presley and Joan Rivers.
Brad And Angie To Star In 'Sound Of Music' Remake With Their Kids.
 |
|
Brad And Angie Posing Happily With Some Of Their kids At A Radioactive Clean-Up at Bikini Atoll.
Bikini Atoll, Micronesia (AP) - It was announced while doing a radioactive clean up of Bikini Atoll in Micronesia that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt announced plans to do a remake of 'The Sound Of Music'.
Brad and Angie, along with their 17 children recently spent 2 weeks removing radioactive top soil left behind by the US Army who had tested many Nuclear explosions on the Atoll in a bid to get former residents back to their homeland.
"Whilst our work here has been very rewarding and justified we felt it was the right time to make another movie together". Angelina pouted. "Whilst it is important to remember that this was the former homeland to many Micronesians back in the 1940's, we must also focus on our movie careers also. Doing the movie will certainly make us feel whole again." Brad enthused.
It is not known how many of their children will star in the movie but at least some will, an insider revealled. Maddox is hotly tipped for the role as Rupert, the eldest son.
Oprah Winnifey's Chicken Dies.
Oprah Winnifey's Chicken, Clucky. (Pictured). She Was A Familiar Face On Her Show And In Her Magazine.
CHICAGO, IL (AP) - Oprah Winnifey's chicken Clucky, who was a familiar face on her television show and in her magazine, has died of constipation.
The 60-pound chicken, whose full name was Lucky Clucky Luckety-Cluck-Cluck, was almost 37 years old.
Oprah had owned her since she was a teen, and had named her Clucky because of the noise she made, a spokesperson said.
“Clucky was a spectacular chicken.” Oprah commented of her passing. “She was always my loyal companion, displaying the most agreeable temperament. I'll miss her scrambled eggs and omelettes. ”
Oprah said that Clucky was a willing model for the camera, often appearing in television commercials for wholesome organic eggs and national print ads for organic feed. She said in her final days that she had stopped laying eggs and drifted off alot during live tapings.
OBITUARY
Barbie Bumjar, 1970's Superheroine And Role Model For Modern Women Has Died.
 |
|
Barbie (pictured) as the "Green Thong'. The role that made her a hit.
Apple Curd Corner, NB (AP) - Barbara 'Barbie' Bumjar the sexy, scantily clad 70's superheroine, who starred in more than 11 movies and paved the way for 'Grrrl Power' died late Sunday night while flossing her dentures. She was 62.
Bumjar shot to fame in 1978 taking the lead role in the TV series 'The Green Thong'. By day she was mild mannered Dorothy Biggs, a desk clerk working for a local landfill. By night she transformed herself into one of the most hard hitting superhero's ever witnessed.
"I loved playing the Green Thong". Barbie remembered, "But wearing green body paint and just a thong all day and night got a little tough at times". After just 4 seasons the show was cancelled.
"The censors got involved after a few complaints". Barbie recalled. "I guess my breasts jiggled around too much for the camera's".
After that Barbara made a few guest appearences in lesser know film projects. Eventually in 1988 she turned her attentioned to saving Mountain Goats in the Himalayas. A role that brought her much joy. "I was like 'The green Thong' but with a harness and clothes on." She enthused.
After sixteen failed marriages and a string of relationships Barbara bought a Tea shop in Northern New Brunswick and lived out the remainder of her years entertaining customers by playing the flute and showing them the thong that made her famous. "I signed a lot of thong's during my heydey". She smiled. New Brunswick will miss her that's for sure.
Trevor The Lemon's Tips For Stupid Folk
 |
|
INSTANT CLOTHES HANGER: A neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal clothes hanger in an emergency.
DENTAL CARE: Worried that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed, to remove the stains.
DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your cell-phone while driving. Simply place your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
CAR THIEVES: Don't be discouraged if nothing is on view. The valuables may be hidden in the dash or under a seat.
CYCLISTS: Avoid getting a sore ass by simply placing some naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto! A warm snack!
HORSE WHISPERERS: Speak louder! Horses will hear you more clearly, thus speeding up training time!
PARENTS WITH SHORT KIDS: Consider being an astronaut and raising your children in space. They grow taller with less gravity.
Until next time dudes...
|
|
LOCAL ENTERTAINMENT
Michael Caine's Entertainment Round-Up
Hello. My name is Michael Caine. Star of just about every movie tha has been made.
For example - I was Lt. Gonville Bromhead in 'Zulu' and it was I that said that infamous line 'Oi! Zulu's thousands of 'em!'
I played Alfie Elkins in the sixties flick 'Alfie', God bless, what a charmer I was back in them days I ask you!
I was also Jack Carter in the classic 'Get Carter'. It was also me that was in that lovely movie 'Educating Rita' and I even played Ebenezer Scrooge in 'The Muppets Christmas Carol'. Not a lot of people know that!
Oh... Bugger me with a fish fork and strike my genitals alight with a match! I completely forgot!
I do apologise! Here I am talking about me when I should be giving you 'wanderful' folk a look at what is happening in your neck of the woods!
MUSIC
Renowned Atlantic Canadian duo and Irish wannabees, 'Ted and Fintan' (Imaginatively named I must say!) will be exercising their fiddles at 'The Rotten Potato Pub and Eatery' in downtown Moncton this Thurdsay. Tickets for this folky sort of jig will be available only on the night, at the door and will be $10.00.
Elsewhere in your town death metal empressario's 'Meat Cleaver' will be making an appearence at The Staten Island Club next Friday.
This fearsome foursome will surely be carving up hits like 'Hung On A Rack', 'In The Deep Freeze', 'Chopped To Pieces' and 'Covered In Brine'.
Tickets are priced at $250.00 but the first 5 lucky entrants will receive a jar of freshly made head cheese signed by the band! (Christ almighty! The things I get paid to say!)
LOCAL EVENTS ROUND-UP
The Moncton Dinner Theatre Co. is proud to announce The Belching Unicorns to their summer line-up. The Unicorns will be doing a 90 minute rendition of 'My Fair Lady' whilst belching vast quantities of previously eaten turkey bologna and sausage hotpot.
Plastic dishes will be given out prior to the show to enable the dinner guests to protect their heads from the shower of continous vomit errupting from their mouths. Tickets are $150.00 at the door.
The Moncton Museum will be showcasing the "History Of Hammers" exhibition for one week from next Monday. "Its a very interesting display showing the development of the hammer through various stages of our History", says Moncton University Professor Vaseline DuRoches. "We have a really good visula display of how the hammer came to revolutionize the nail industry."
Annual Tractor Driver Hopscotch Championships Will be out in full force this Saturday in the Parking lot of the Riverview Mall. Over three hundred tractor drivers from across south eastern New Brunswick will be putting their best feet forward in an attempt to be this year's Hopscotch champ. The winner wins back a field that he/she has had expropriated for Uranium testing.
This Saturday Georges Barentstrait will be exhibiting his highly controversial Canvass Covered With Snot gallery next month at the Moncton Art Society premises near the almost derelict Highfield Square shopping centre. Free prints will be given away to anyone who shows up.
Cap Pele residents will be thrilled to know that the 199th Annual Clam smothering Gala is a go! Yes for the 199th consecutive year locals and tourists a like will be delighted to know that they can once again run naked around the beach smothering raw clams over their bodies. Last year's clam smothering spectacular raised $24.77 for needy folk
BOOK CORNER
Former New York Governor Pen's His First Novel. An Accurate And Revealing Account About His Love Of Illicit Sex.
Former New York Governor and author Eliot Spittzer, born to parents who couldn't spell his first name, spills the beans on his private life and how easy it is to spend millions of tax payers dollars running prostitute rings once being voted a member of the US Senate.
"I'm a lawyer by profession and one hell of a dirty bastard in my spare time!" Spittzer sensationally claims in his new book 'The Governor Pimp'. "I am wholly a slave to sex and quite frankly who is not?" he reveals. 'I loved my job as a Senator and I loved the perks that came with it!"
The piggy-eyed, high browed former New York Governor, who's appearance it is claimed is just another traditionally mis-matched gene malfunction (a common trait in the lower 48's) lays out a blow by blow account of how low he was prepared to go.
"Pretty low" he remarks in chapter 3. "I found myself going down at every available moment! Your money, your profile it opens up plenty of opportunities. I found my calling and by the power of the Lord I took it! Chances like these don't come often!" Spittzer goes on. "Yeah I love my wife, who wouldn't! But you know we only live once. Why not splurge a little!"
'The Governor Pimp' is a detailed, well documented account of Eliot's illicit after hour’s entertainment that could only be achieved by wealth and lust alone. "Heck I lost my job; it got in the Daily's, CNN flogged the news to death, so what? Who the hell am I now? A nobody and the American people have a right to know!"
COLLECTORS CORNER
 |
|
Ladies Undergarments. Married father of eleven, Jyrki Tripplegartner is the unofficial holder of the Worlds largest collection of ladies underwear. He has so many pairs that he had to buy an extra house just to store his bizzare collection - 717,224 at the last count!
He claims that if the City of Quebec suffered an underwear shortage he could quite easily supply one pair to each female resident and still have enough to cover the population of Shawinigan!
Jyrki's bizzare fetish/hobby began one morning thirty years ago after spending the night at his Aunt's house. "I have fond memories of my Aunt Hildegard". Jyrki confessed. "I stumbled across several pairs of rather scant panties scattered across her bedroom floor and thought how lazy she was." He continued. "I grabbed 3 or 4 pairs from the floor and took them home". The rest as they say is history.
Jyrki's massive collection has mostly been built on trips to thrift stores, used clothing stores and his ex girlfriends panty drawers. "My favourite brands are Hanky Panky thongs and La Perla G strings. But the creme-a-la-creme of all women's underwear has to be the vintage 1940's, 1950's huge granny cotton double seat panties. (See photo) They are awsome! Thick woollen beasts! I can see how women needed something smaller and more hygienic!"
Jyrki found as his collection expanded that his apartment shrunk, so six years ago he bought a derelict property to store his ever expanding cotton collection. "All of my underwear has been painstakingly labelled by brand name and year of manufacture and stored in big plastic containers."
When asked if Jyrki was ever tempted to try a pair on he replied mischeviously. "Well, one is tempted occasionally by one's feminine side to experience the forbidden fruits of the opposite sex".
|
