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INTERNATIONAL NEWS
Americans Release The Most Carbon Dioxide, Methane - Study.
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The Average American Releases More Carbon Dioxide And Methane Than The Rest Of The World Combined A Study Shows.
Vancouver, BC (AP) - With the world in the grip of a never ending oil crisis, world leaders yesterday voted to force Americans to manufacture and contain vast amounts of Carbon Dioxide and Methane as an alternative fuel for the future.
"The American people for reasons unknown release the most hot air and gas and its going to waste." Top environmentalist David Suzuki said. "If we could harness this we could have Methane powered transport and carbon dioxide powered generators that will more than cater for the world within twenty years".
It is believed that because so many American's eat junk food, rich in sodium and sugar and drink piss-poor gassy beer that they expell more gas than anybody else on the planet.
"If we rounded up all the American media, Hollywood Actors, The US Senate and every resident from New York and California to voluntarily let rip for a couple of hours a week we could save the planet from an energy crisis". Mr Suzuki continued.
Mummified Hockey Player Uncovered.
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Workers Painstakingly Uncovered This Mummified Hockey Player Found With His Stick.
Montreal, Que. (AP) - Using tiny brushes and chisels, workers picking at a big greenish-black rock in the basement of refuse collector Lenny Levesque's Montreal home uncovered something amazing: a complete hockey player, stick and all.
Unlike almost every other fossil ever found, the Hockey player, dubbed 'Eric', is covered by fossilized skin that is hard as iron. It's the only one of its kind in the world, say the researchers who are slowly freeing it from a 32-million-year-old rock tomb.
"This is the closest many people will ever get to seeing what Hockey players actually looked like millions of years ago." A researcher said.
Animal tissue typically decomposes quickly after death. Researchers say 'Eric' must have been buried rapidly probably after a huge loss or something and in just the right environment for the texture of the skin to be preserved. What is even more puzzling is the fact his stick was preserved too.
Bert Levesque a 25-year-old waiter, discovered the Hockey player at his uncle's
house a few months ago when their basement pump got jammed. After weeks of digging he found a rock hard hockey stick had blocked the pump mechanism.
"It may turn out to be one of the best examples of early Hockey history, because of the quality of the player and the stick's condition". A senior scientist said Tuesday.
'Eric' is currently on display at The Musée McCord in Montreal.
World Wide Pressure On Canada To Ban The Clubbing Of Seal Hunt Protestors.
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Last Years Photo Of A Newfoundland Seal Hunter Clubbing Seal Hunt Protestor Heather Mills Sparked Outrage Amongst Environmentalists.
Washington, DC. (AP) - "It's a barbaric and ignorant and cruel industry," the group's founder, Bindy Finlayson, said at a recent news conference in Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island. "And it can't be justified just because somebody's making a buck off of it."
The coalition of 'Anti Seal Hunt Protestor Clubbing' (ASHPC) is advocating a boycott of anything Canadian because of the unlawful hunt for protestors. But with the price of Protestors at an all-time high of up to $700 per protestor some fishermen said there's little support for the (ASHPC) message on the East Coast.
"This is a legal cull, markets seem to be up," said Dunphy Murkle of the P.E.I. Club A Protestor Association.
"If they're going to protest things, I think they should protest in the States and Europe where stupidity and ignorance runs rife. Us fishermen are simply trying to make a living." Murkle continued.
So then the question still remains where does this leave the Seals? "Frig the Seals, there's more of them damn foreign Protesting types wandering the Ice floes each Spring so were after their bloody hides now!"
Beavers Rampage Through Russian Store.
Novoboinkayinski, Russia, (UPI) -- A gang of beavers smashed thier way into a grocery store in Russia, breaking hundreds of bottles of vodka before running off with countless packets of cigarettes and potato chips.
The store was in Novoboinkayinski in the southern Oral Mountains, an area that has been experiencing bad Beaver behavior recently the Novosti news agency said.
"The saleswoman saw some large animals near a storeroom and called the local emergency service," a spokesman for the local government said. "The Beavers were apparently heavily armed and knew exactly what they were after"
Animal control officers were able to capture one of the beavers and remove it from the store but were unable to track down its accomplices as the beaver couldn't speak Russian.
Prisons in Britain Compared To Holiday Camps.
LONDON, UK (AP) - Britain it seems is the preferred Jail of choice should you wish to do jail time. A prison official says inmates in British jails are treated so well they have absolutely no incentive to try to escape.
In fact, the lifestyle and luxury afforded by the British correctional system has prompted many overseas British prisoners to request transfers.
Barty Maltravers of the Prison Officer's Holiday Camp Association says there is one jail in Manchester where drug dealers repeatedly break in to sell drugs, mobile phones and beer to inmates.
Maltravers said that inmates across the country have had opportunities to escape but no-one has bothered to do so.
"It tells me there's something wrong with our country when people are breaking into prisons to bring in drugs and booze and our prisoners are quite happy to stay inside."
At one top security prison, inmates told Justice Secretary Jack Hay that conditions were like a "holiday camp" with such amenities as satellite television, bars, swimming pools and video porn.
"I can see why overseas inmates want to return to the UK to finish their time". A top Prison spokesperson lamented.
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LOCAL NEWS
Worlds Longest Sausage-Dog Dies Entering Elevator.
Canada's Official Weiner Mascot - Kurt, During Happier Days. (File Photo)
Halifax, NS (AP).
The City of Halifax was in a state of shock and disbelief last night following the news that Kurt - The longest Sausage dog in the world had died. Grief counsillors were on standby to comfort mourners and give them space to heal during this difficult time.
Distraught owner Dick Swing praised his four-legged canine. "Bye, he was special. I have no doubt in my mind about that. Every Friday we'd go down to Davy's Pub And Eatery and make his special platter - Meatballs and onions with a side order of gravy. Jeez... I'll miss that perky little bugger!"
When Mr Swing bought Kurt 9 years ago he was just a pup, but as the month's passed he knew something was special about his dog. "That little bugger was over 3 metres long before he was a year old!". Dick recalled. "Its just a shame he died how he did that's all".
It is believe Kurt died entering an elevator with his owner after a night out. "The little bugger was so long the elevator just gave up waiting for him to get in and blammo, next thing the doors just slammed on him!".
Thousands Flock To Hub City For Annual Atlantic Head Cheese Festival.
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Anyone For Head Cheese?
Moncton, NB (AP). People from all over Canada, The US, Haiti and Caraquet will be descending on Moncton like flies to dung this weekend as she pays host to the 45th Annual Atlantic Head Cheese Festival.
Hotels, Bar's and Restaurants will be tested to the max this weekend. "Don't bother calling ahead for a hotel, they were all booked up months ago!" Moncton events entrepreneur Wolfgang Cormier stated with a wry grin. “It’s that time of year again!"
With over 5000 different varieties of head cheese on show at various Kiosks across the city you can guarantee a huge turn out everywhere you look. "Oh there is so much to choose from this year!" Fannie Fenton, events organizer, enthused. "Head cheese ice cream, head cheese croissants, head cheese and penne pasta parfaits. Its just one tongue tasting tease after another!"
The three day event will include top head cheese Chefs from all over the world, a head cheese taste-a-thon and the much anticipated head cheese eating marathon. Last years winner Dorland O'Fintan, ironically from Head Cheese Harbour, Newfoundland, will be gorging like crazy to ensure he keeps his crown!
Why Are New Brunswick Kids So Fat?
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A Typically Fat, Cheerful Three-Year Old New Brunswick Kid.
Moncton, NB (AP) Canadian children between the ages of 3 and 15 are exercising more and eating less but in New Brunswick they're the fattest and laziest in the whole of the country.
Top Doctor, Batatta Raveen put the whole thing into perspective. "The children of New Brunswick are consuming more food, smoking more cigarettes and continue to pack on the fat because they're sedentary and idle most of the time." Raveen continued. "These kids are hooked up to their PC's, TV's, Cellphones and videogames for upto 20 hours a day and eating upto 6-8 helpings of soda, candy, fries and fast food".
A weighty 4860 page report on New Brunswick's chomping children is aimed at providing parents and teachers with ways to get their kids of their backsides and eat a more balanced healthy source of nutrition.
"The kids I see coming in here for routine health checks just want to make me weep". A local Moncton Doctor confessed. "First off I can't give them an accurate weight as my scales often break under the stress, some need crutches just to help them waddle into the patients room. Others as young as five have already suffered major strokes and heart attacks and they just sit their eating chips and candy, asking mommy when they can get back to 'Road Kill Inferno' or whatever on their Playbox".
New Brunswick Minister for Child Welfare, Merlin Buttermilk, stressed that that the situation was not yet an irreversible epidemic. "Some kids are fat, but the ones I see playing hockey and soccer look fine to me. I just think its a case of a few bad apples spoiling the crop!"
NBers To Represent New Brunswick In National Over 18 Spelling Contest.
5000 University students from New Brunswick represented themselves yesterday at the qualifying finals of The International Spelling Championships in Beijing. Only one student came out on top - 19 year old hair salon employee Frederic Implante
Acadian Peninsula Gets Two New Puppies.
PAQUETVILLE, NB - Two more puppies were added yesterday to the Acadian Peninsula's only pet shop. A Rottweiler-Spaniel cross and a Golden Retriever-Bulldog-Pitbull were proudly unveiled to more than 600 local residents desperately wanting to get their hands on one of the little lovely balls of fur.
Nova Scotia Group Wants To Grow Stronger Weed.
SYDNEY, NS - The Cape Breton Society of Recreational Herb Cultivation unveiled a multi-million dollar development program in Sydney yesterday that will outline plans to grow weed on the ocean floor. The plan will see some much needed employment in the region and will be looking to enlist many unemployed fisherman to help harvest the stocks during the summer months.
Newfoundland Explosion Sends Two To Hospital.
BUTTOCKS HOLE, NFLD - Two people were taken to hospital following an explosion that rocked the village wharf yesterday, sending clouds of thick smoke into the air. The accident occured late in the afternoon at a local bar. One eye witness Christine Flem said she saw one person wander from the building with a cigarette lighter in hand, smoke pouring from their rear. "Dis guy walked out de bar on his own but he had very little clothin' left below de waist".
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Atlantic Canada's Rumour Rousing Bore!
Inflatable
My rumour mill has been churning up quite a storm lately as I found out recently when a vacant car lot that had been standing empty for quite some time had been bought by an inflatable Dinghy retailer. Sure enough last Thursday Thandie's Divine Dinghy store annouced they would be taking up residence.
Bottom
Whilst bending over to retrieve some nasty gum from the sole of my shoe last Wednesday night I heard two passers-by explaining that they had found a mysterious railway trestle lying at the bottom of an old muddy creek. Fuelled by what they had said I quickly made my way to the creek in question and dove in. Sure enough after a few scary moments I did indeed uncover the mysteriously placed trestle.
Ring
At about 2.15pm last Sunday the local fire chief I was sharing a coffee with mentioned his grief over losing his Wife's wedding ring. I was offering my sincerest sympathy when I overheard the woman at the cash counter telling a fellow employee that she had found a ring just like the fire chief's in a half-eaten blueberry and almond muffin the night before. Quickly connecting the two occurences I told the fire chief what I had heard just seconds before. My evaluation had been correct. It was that very same ring!
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