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ENTERTAINMENT
CELEBRITY NEWS
Latest Reality Show To Become Sensational Hit.
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Jeff Pabst Host Of Celebrity Isolation with the Isolation Towers Pictured In The Background.
HOLLYWOOD, CA. (AP) - The latest reality show from Mark Burnitt is about to hit our screens and it is going to be sensational. That is the claim made by 'Survivor' host Jeff Pabst who has just signed up to host the show.
Twelve celebrities from the US, Canada and the UK must complete a six week stay in total isolation or fear losing their celebrity status forever. The winner gets to be an even bigger celebrity and will receive more media attention than ever before. Lose and their career is over.
From the US the contestants will be Dr. Phil McGraw, a TV psychologist for sub-intelligent people, Paris Hilton, irritating, shallow socialite, Rosie O'Donnell self opinionated TV host, Michael Jackson, singer amongst other things, Criss Angel, a TV illusionist and Duane 'The Dog Chapman' a TV bounty hunter.
From the UK Simon Cowell, overpaid US and UK reality show host and Gordon Ramsey, self inflated TV chef.
Finally from Canada Quebec's princess of pop Celine Dion, Quebec variety show host Julie Snyder and communist, socialist leader Jack (Red Army) Layton.
All twelve contestants will be placed on rusty decaying WWII seaforts situated in the Thames Estuary off the east coast of Britain and will live in isolation on each fort. Chores and mind games will be dished out daily by host Jeff Pabst until one by one the contestants can take the elements of isolation no longer.
Celebrity Isolation premieres this fall.
Ompah Winney Blames Her Ballooning Weight On Hearty Appetite.
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CHICAGO, IL (AP). The first week of January in the USA is traditionally when over indulgent Americans go to the gym twice a week in the hope it will justify eating morbid amounts of fatty, sodium drenched junk food during the previous year. But not if you’re name is Ompah Winney. Ompah Winney knows that she’s piled on the pounds again and she’s determined to stay that way.
And Ompah, America's richest media madame plans to do this by abusing food alot more. "I'm tired of this work regimen and the low fat diets that I've repeatedly had to endure over the last 20 years!" She defiantly explained on her show. "I mean come on! I work hard! I've lived the dream and If I want a tub of ice cream or a Rhino-hide burger drenched in chipotle and cheese - I'M GONNA HAVE ONE!" She bellowed to a shocked studio audience.
Ompah has always struggled with her weight - over the years she’s literally tried every diet known to man. Why? Because she can afford the catering staff. But as one ex-staff member explained. "It simply don't work with Ompah, she eat all the different diets in one day! Heck even a horse couldn't muster the energy to consume like that girl!"
“Food is my hobby — abusing food is my goal. I work too much. Can't relax. So now my goal is to be the weight that my body can hold and if I love the body I'm in so what?"
Catch the latest issue of 'Ompah' magazine on newsstands from next Monday to see the full interview and 10 page colour spread of Ompah showing off her 'new, bigger body'.
Amy Winegarden Plans To Write Her Near Death Moments Memoirs.
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LONDON, UK (AP) - Popular British singer turned drug addict and troubled tabloid darling Amy Winegarden has been offered over $5,000,000 to reveal her most darkest near-death drug induced experiences according to her publicist.
Amy famous for hits like 'Rehab', Back to Crack', 'You Know I'm No Good In The Sack When I'm On Crack' and 'My Bud Jack' has been through a very trying time in recent years and now she wants to set the record straight.
"Everything I do people know about it. But they don't know the half of it". Amy recently disclosed. "I mean there was the time when I was so mashed I accidently fell into a bath filled with water and nearly died 'cos my stupid ex-husband had left a toaster in it! Then not long after I smoked so many smokes that I was boiling the tar out of my cigarettes and drinking it while snorting coke 'cos it was quicker than smoking the f#$king things!" she continued.
Harrowing tales of falling over 17 storey hotel balconies, walking into oncoming tractor trailers and failing to regain conciousness on numerous occasions are just the tip of the iceberg for this popular pop princess known for her eclectic mix of various musical genres including soul, jazz, rock & roll and R&B. So Amy hopes this book will lay some gossip to rest and set the record on other such matters.
OBITUARY
New Brunswick's Olympic winning Ballet Dancer dies aged 89.
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Rudolph Netanyahu (pictured).
Salisbury, NB (AP) - One of Canada's most prolific and distinguished icon's has died. Olympic Gold winning Ballet Dancer Rudolph Netanyahu was born Troy Steeves in Salisbury, New Brunswick.
During the depression his family relocated to Haifa, Israel where his father got a job selling rubber boots. It was here that Troy secretly learned Ballet, something his father and close friends frowned upon. At age 20 against his father's wishes Troy changed to name to Rudolph Netanyahu, returned to Canada and joined the Royal Canadian Ballet Corps.
During WWII he put on many shows for Canadian troops overseas. His biggest claim to fame however was winning Gold for the 'Male Freestyle Ballet' category at the 1948 London Olympic games.
Rudolph however did not escape notoriety. His lavish lifestyle was well documented and his frequent all male piano party's further deepened his wounds with his father. It was however an incident during the encore of Broadway's production of 'Swan Lake' that sent alarm bells ringing signalling an end to a once vibrant and energetic career.
As Rudolph launched himself, spread like an eagle into the air his crotch caught on an old rusty nail that was protruding from a nearby hat stand, it ripped his ballet tights thus exposing his privates to the entire audience.
It was front page news. His father never recovered and Rudolph, shamed by the relentless exposure hung up his ballet tights forever.
Rudolph spent the remainder of his life stalking Star Trek's George Takei (Mr Sulu) until his hips gave out and was no longer able to go anywhere without his trusted companion Reg at his side.
Trevor The Lemon's Tips For Stupid Folk
HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a bit, thus reducing
the pressure in your veins.
MOTHERS: A strip of banana peel taped to the bottom ofchildren's shoes allows them to be pulled effortlessly around supermarkets and malls.
GAS LEAK?: Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals
the source of the escaping gas.
MAKING CHEAP ADDRESS BOOKS: Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of all the people you don't know.
MODEL BOAT PORTHOLES: Old contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.
NO TIME FOR A BATH?: Just wrap yourself in duct tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off afterwards.
AVOID SLICING MISHAPS: To avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables simply get someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Until next time dudes...
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LOCAL ENTERTAINMENT
Angela Lansbury's Entertainment Round-Up
Hello my name is Angela Lansbury. You may have heard of me.
I played the role of Miss Price in the classic 1970's musical 'Bednobs and Broomsticks' and later gained international stardom as Jessica Fletcher in 'Murder She Wrote'
Well, here I am. A guest columnist for your website aimed at bringing you a review of all the latest music and local events in your area. I hope you enjoy what I have to say just as much as I enjoyed saying it. Cheerio!
MUSIC
Catch Colm and His Flute Of Fermanagh weekdays at Moncton's only authentic North American pub 'The Ring Of Kerry' and wonder in awe at his musical tribute of pestilence and poverty during 19th Century Ireland.
For you heavy rock lovers make sure to book a date with The Shit Octopus This Thursday at Manhattan's. These fun loving boys will be belting out their Taurus award winning hits Inky Brown Floaters, Eight Legged Groove Machine, Suck On This, Squid In Yer Eye and the Canadian number one selling hit Tentacally Yours. Tickets are priced at $59.99 at the door.
If your preferred flavour is French then make sure to head along to the Universite De Moncton and catch the political activists of music Je suis Acadien. These well known francophones will be showcasing favourites like Parle Pas Bien, Chu Pas Su Mes Stamps Ou Su Le Welfare, Y'a Pas De FromageSu Mes Poutines, Blah Blah Blah 1755, Pauvre De Moi Dans Le Peninsule, Je Déteste Les Enfants Anglais Du Canada, La Guerre Du Silence. To name but a few.
LOCAL EVENTS ROUND-UP
World famous Ballet troupe Aardvarks On Acid will be dancing on the newly laid foundations of the former Pays de la Sagouine restaurant this Thursday night.
The Montreal based quintet will be showcasing their latest masterpiece 'Baleines En Mer'. The one hour spectacle showcases a volley of vigourous dance moves and lots of splashing around.
Tickets are available from all fine gas stops in the Bouctouche region.
Barb's Bologna Bonanza The second annual Bologna Bonanza hosted by renowned Bologna chef Barbara 'Bile-duct' Melanson will be held at the Riverview line dancing club next Sunday.
For a small entrance fee Bologna fans will be treated to a mouth watering feast of Bologna in all shapes and sizes. Barb's husband Kris 'Krispie-Cream' Curtis will also be serving up his unique brand of Bologna and Beef filled donuts.
Yoga With Madame Herpeze-Haza. Israeli born Yoga supremo Orifice Herpeze-Haza will be giving a free one-hour Yoga session to the first one-hundred people to sign up for a six-year subscription to her 'Yoga In Yiddish' program.
If you have Yoga in mind and love great money parting deals hurry on down to The Dieppe Legion this Friday at 2.35pm and make that reservation!
Hockey Harness Racing. Well Hockey season is almost over but not quite. You can still head down to the Hillsborough Bingo Hall this Friday and catch Junior Hockey league masters do the unthinkable. Yes! Watch as they harness race across the ice wielding their trusty hockey sticks! Tickets are $16.00. A must for die hard Hockey and Harness fans.
This Saturday Gaston 'Gaggie' Gagnon will be exhibiting his award winning collection of oil paintings Parfum De Calice at the Universite De Moncton campus.
His portfolio of oil to canvass includes 'Le Nez du Vin', 'Mon Père, Ma Mère Sur La Mer' and the Acadian award winning painting 'Mignons Filets Aux Pommes-De-Terre Acadiennes'
The exhibition will be on site for several years. Potential buyers are welcome and encouraged to bid for these authentic originals.
Arc Welders Anonymous (AA) Will be holding their bi-monthly meeting this Tuesday at the Old CN Rail hump yard following an electrical fire at their regular meeting place.
If you or a friend have a constant desire to use a welding power supply to create an electric arc between an electrode and the base material to melt the metals at the welding point maybe this is the group for you!
BOOK CORNER
The Constant Aubergine By Randy Boobstrapp
Imagine waking one morning, looking out of your bedroom window and seeing nothing but Aubergine's. This is how famed science fiction novelist Randy Boobstrapp painted his latest literary canvas.
Our story begins in the small farming community of Bed Springs, Iowa and centres around Emily McBugg, a sixteen year old unemployed school drop-out.
Emily awakes one morning to find the whole world has been taken over by Aubergine's. She realises soon after that her dreams of becoming a curator at the Des Moines Museum of Agriculture have been severely compromised.
Author Randy Boobstrapp takes us through a 276 page voyage of hope, fear, dispair and tragedy as Emily wearily hacks her way through Aubergine after Aubergine in a hopeless bid to reach Des Moines and save civilization as we know it. A rather long and slightly dull read at times but nevertheless interesting at times. 5/10.
COLLECTORS CORNER
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Blowtorches. Derrick 'Sparky' Dickens has the largest collection of blowtorches on the planet. The 39-year old father of six has been collecting them since he was six years old and to date has around 5000 or more.
"My hobby began when I was a pup. My dad was a welder and every Christmas he'd leave a blow torch in my stocking!" Derrick fondly recalls.
The Blowtorch was invented in Sweden by C.R. Nyberg in 1882 and since have been used for welding, brazing, melting, plumbing, sweating and camping every year since.
"I find blowtorches or flamethrowers make a pretty good attention getter. I once set off my M2A1-7 flamethrower in a parking lot one night infront of a few girls. That was the night I met my future wife." He beamed.
I have so many blowtorches I have lost count. I used to have a lot more but my grandpappy lit a cigarette in his garage about twenty years ago and the whole place went nuclear!".
Derrick's collection is mostly limited to antique butane torches, handheld butane blowlamps and Modern paraffin flameguns. "I have a few working flamethrowers lying around but they really are a bit dangerous. My three year old son Bert accidently let one off only just last week and totally destoroyed the west side of our house. So you can see this hobby certainly comes with risks!"
We were glad to learn afterwards that Bert was unharmed in the incident. Unlike Derrick we strongly suggest that if you do collect Blowtorches that you do not attempt to light themas they are simply too dangerous and make sure to keep them well away from children!
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