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TOP STORIES
Moncton Prepares For Historic Visit
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Santa fever steps up in Metro Moncton as the countdown to Saint Nicholas's highly anticipated
visit draws near. It's been 18 long years since Monctonians got a glimpse of the world famous
white bearded parcel courier.
Known world wide as Santa Claus, Saint 'Nick' was banished from visiting Moncton after a series of
burglaries took place one Christmas Eve. City officials pointed the finger at Santa and
a lifetime chimney ban on the red baron thus putting an end to the joys and delights of every
childs Christmas day celebrations. That was until earlier this year when the notorious light fingered lingerie lifter, aka Neil Biggs,
was caught in Centennial Park hiding up a tree dressed only in women's underwear.
Mounting pressure in recent months have caused Moncton's Major, Ryan Duffy to do a drastic U-turn.
"I think we should go with the popular vote! Abolishing chimneys and prohibiting Santa from enetering
households was a bad idea. It has resulted in a serious knock on effect causing kids today to lose out!
Lifting this ban should bring a few welcome traditions back to our province."
Santa's visit includes an evening dinner engagement at the Hotel Beausoleil, followed by a Santa-look-a-like parade in Dieppe's
Champagne Mall. Saint Nicholas will then be driven by motorcade to the International Airport where he will
depart shortly afterwards via his sleigh. Thousands are expected to turn out so roads will be closed temporarily
during the night of the 24th.
Newfoundland All Set To Seperate
Newfoundland is all set to separate from Canada. That's the unofficial word from St. John's.
Pressure has been mounting in the sparsley populated province to think of a quick solution
to curb the escalating problem of migrating newfies.
"No jobs, no fish, no food, no money, It's 1933 all over again!" Premier Dougie Staines
recently told legislature. "If we don't do something about it now our province will be as dead as the cod industry!"
Anti-confederate Stanley Sturgeon announced to Ottawa that Newfoundland no longer thinks
itself as part of Canada. "We have two options available to us!" Stan announced. "The first
is to become the 51st state of America, thus becoming a giant fortress for the US Military.
The second option is to join an alliance with Britain and help them with their mass immigration
problem thus creating a province that potentially could hold well over the population of Ontario
and become a prosperous self governing entity that would put the whole of Canada to shame!"
Stan concluded. Premier Staines went one step further adding "With all the oil we got
we'd be the Kuwait of North America! And them buggers in Ottawa would have to pay us dear!"
Ottawa, as usual, refused to comment on this recent upheaval saying that they knew nothing about this recent
threat and they would send a good will food hamper to the thousands that will be starving this Christmas.
Jet Dumps Raw sewage On Dieppe Resident.
Home Owner Leopold Hache-Brown is lucky to be alive. "It's a miracle I'm still standing!" Leo excalimed,
pointing to a dirty great hole in his back garden. The wife was indoors knitting some napkins and I was standing right here talking to my cat, Aldard when
out of nowhere a huge block of brown frozen ice slammed into the ground!" At first Leo thought a freak meteor had struck but as he peered into the
10ft crater in the ground a bizzare odour filled his nostrils. "I called the fire department because I thought the meteor had hit a sewage pipe. Once
they arrived the told me it was frozen waste from a jet liner. I was horrified!" Leo was later admitted to hospital with shock following the news that his cat had been
squashed in the impact. It is a rare occurence that Jet liners dump their sewage before landing but not uncommon. "Heathrow, England gets a splattering almost every 17 seconds"
One Moncton Airport spokesperson admitted.
Paintball Night Fright Fiasco
CFB Duckwater, NS—An action packed fun weekend turned into a bloody bloodbath when two paintball teams headed for the woods near a Canadian Army
training camp last week. The two teams set out on a planned all night shoot-em up and ended up shot themselves. One team had accidently walked in on an army
training camp, thinking it was the other team they pelted the sleeping soldiers with paintballs. Stunned into retaliation two Canadian soldiers opened fire with a volley
of their own dropping the paintball enthusiasts like flies. Luckily no one died. The troops on night patrol had thankfully been drinking heavily and couldn't see straight, thus
the only injuries were to lower extremities. A joint Police and Army investigation has been launched into this bizzare incident.
Woman loses underwear in laundromat Legal Rinse
A PEI woman who was short of cash dumped her undies in someone else's washing machine while their back was turned. A court heard
yesterday how 26 year old Glenda McClurrt stole the opportunity of a free wash courtesy of an innocent paying customer. Glenda also went
one step further, smiling in court she told how she stripped right down to nothing but a bath robe and then proceeded to clean the clothes
she had been wearing. Things got ugly when the victim Darlene Dorks, opened the washer and threw Glenda's clothes into a basket
and took off in her truck without drying them. A fuming Glenda was left clotheless and broke in the laundromat. To add insult to injury she slipped
on a half eaten chocolate bar and cracked her pelvis. The court threw her claim out and refused her any rights to see her clothes again.
The judge defended his decision by saying she had a wanton disregard for people's clothes and principles.
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SPECIAL REPORT
Dave England Reports On Mall Rage
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Moncton once dubbed Canada's Railyard has in recent years become the mall
city of the Maritimes. A change that has been welcomed by thousands of individuals trying to make sense as to why their ancestors
settled here in the first place.
As the population increases there are more shoppers out there. In Metro Moncton alone
there are more than 175 million trips to the mall weekly. Therefore it's hardly surprising that
long lines and short tempers spur the onset of mall rage.
Two years ago 28 year old Felippe Fettucine caused a furore at mall location when he accused a female cashier of calling
his daughter a monkey. The cashier totally shocked by the remark, fearing for her life used a cattle prod on Felippe
resulting in him suffering a severe bowel movement. Innocent bystanders became so overwelmed by the mess
and stench that they began a mass exodus to the exit. In the confusion and panic many arrests were made for alleged shop lifting.
At the time this was thought to be an isolated case
Where incidents like these have been relatively uncommon it seems Mall rage in Moncton is on the increase.
Take yesterdays calamity outside the Cost-a-lot wholesalers. One person innocently drove their shopping cart into
another person quite by mistake and the end result? Three burn't out cars and sixty four arrests for public disorder
in the parking lot. Police from Saint John had to be airlifted in just to bring order. How can we reduce this spiralling epidemic?
A lot of the recent incidents have however been attributed to a chronic lack of forsight by city planners.
In particular the areas surrounding Maplesyrup Road, Disability Drive and Wansker Boulevard has seen
a steady climb in traffic jams and pollution due to poorly designed road layouts. Ask yourself where the traffic signals are when you want
to make one of three left turns out of the Power horse Mall? Also wonder why no overpass was built over Wansker
Boulevard connecting Power horse Mall with the oversized mecca of Wart-Mart?
To reduce mall rage and make shopping more enjoyable follow these helpful tips. Buy online and stay at home or go another town that has
been granted a few of your favouite stores that Moncton does not have exclusive rights to and finally if your town is planning a mall be sure to
find a decent planning committee. Until next time shoppers...
Beth LaRoche Reports On The Oldest Family That Never Was
Brown Narrows, NB—I recently paid a visit to see the legendary Percy Dulbore, allegedly 117 years old.
I had heard of this old man living in a hut on top of Albert's Hill for years so I decided to to lay the this Albert County myth to rest. After a brief
introduction his son Murville, 82 led me up the hill to his hut and showed me in. Finally I could begin to unravel the secret of this man's astonishing longevity.
"Eggs!" he screached, coughing and spilling his cup of freshly boiled tar. "I eats eggs!" he said again then promptly fell asleep. I asked him how he felt the
world had changed in all his years but he didn't seem to care. "It's all a crock!" he continued five hours later. "Nothin's changed here! Same idiots everywhere!"
he mumbled, as I watched his dentures slide out of his mouth and down his chin. I asked him what his favourite meal was he replied "Raw Potatoes, raw beans mouldy cheese!"
Then the interview really began to get interesting. "Ma and Pa would like to meet you!" He nodded shifting his cane in the direction of a room opposite.
I thought he'd lost it, you know being so old. But oh no turns out his parents were alive too! Ern & Edna Dulbore.
Both permanently bed ridden but nevertheless alive. Neither could speak but they started to shake when I saw them which was enough to convince me.
Sadly before I had a chance to phone the Guiness book of Records a huge chunk of frozen jet liner sewage crashed through the house killing all three of them.
I was saved by a rotten patch of floor but fortunately fell in their one hundred year old cess pit!
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