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SPORTS HEADLINES
Moncton's Mudwrestling Mayhem
Moncton, NB—The annual Moncton Mixed Mudwrestling championships got under way
here last night. Thousands packed the Moncton Agri-Arena to see the thirty-two lucky lads and lasses writhe semi naked in a huge vat of mud and water.
In the end it was down to Vicky Viceroy and Daniel Leblanc, by far the most experienced wrestlers of the night. The championship eliminations went by
in quick succession. Six people had their bathing costumes stripped from their bodies in the first five minutes. In the end the last two standing quickly engaged into
a mess of muddy mayhem. Vicky took the overall victory when she proceeded to give Sheddyshack's Daniel Leblanc a fearsome wedgy thus incapacitating
him right on the spot. It was a well earned victory for Moncton women city wide.
Snowplow Championship Hots Up
EDMUNSTON, NB—Round 3 of The Maritime Snowplough Championships proved
that skill and attrition is the way forward. The Edmunston-Grand Falls 50 got underway with clear skies and a high of -5. Claude Cloutier getting the lead early
on following Martin Michaud's accident when his plough lost hydraulic pressure, embedding itself into the asphalt. However it was not long before a snow storm
hit and visibility became zero. Many contenders opted for a pitstop at the Irving gas bar and restaurant for a fry-up. This left Mick Dunwoody and series leader
Cloutier to head home a narrow 1-2 finish for Plow manufacturing giants CAT.
Stiffer Penalties for Formula One
FRANCE—The FIA has imposed stricter regulations following Ferrari's dominant season in
2002. Starting next season any car showing a distinct performance advantage will not only be asked to start at the back of the grid but will also be fitted
with shopping cart wheels as a measure to slow the car down. Many teams welcomed the new regulations and Ferrari World Champion Michael
Shoefitter said he would be looking forward to next year's CART race. "I raced shopping carts as a kid, this is no problem for me!" he quipped, stroking his chin.
Baseball Legend In Burger Lifting Shocker
Baseball legend Warland Harris was so incensed after hearing that his hall of fame
shop was to be demolished to make way for a Happy Burger Restaurant that he sent a team of excavators to the existing site of Happy Burger
and had the entire site removed and dumped into a landfill. Warland, 53 is currently in court facing charges of wrongful removal without prior permission.
Separate lawsuits have been filed by individuals who were eating there at the time.
NFL Team Leader Coaches From Prison Cell
MARION—IL, Chicago Bores coach Burl Zwatskty vows to fight the federal system and
remain in charge despite being handed a life sentence with no parole after he murdered a referee with a toothpick during a game last August. "I'm the best
dang coach in the world" he commented from his cell-phone. "No-one coaches like me! It's murder out there! Without me the team will fall apart!"
Moncton Cheerleaders Forces To Strike
It's every girls dream to make it onto the Cheerleading squad. To be able to do the splits,
a couple of high kicks and shake pom-poms is what these girls live for. However here in Moncton it's a lot different. A fued has errupted within the college
football fraternity as to which team should carry the official baton. Moncton is well known around the world for being an ambidextrous
city with English and French speaking Canadians. English and French speaking schools, hospitals, restaurants, shops, library's etc.
But the City does not want two 'Official' teams. It wants one "The UDMNBC All stars" A 'Mixed' team. Thus hundreds of french and english
speaking cheerleaders face being ruled out in favour of a select few. This has incensed Anglo-french relations and a city wide strike has
been put in effect thus crippling further the Cheerleaders chances thanks to Moncton's left wing, socialist policies.
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SAVAGE REPORTS...
Moncton QMSJHL Team Is Doomed!
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What’s wrong with the Moncton Wildhats? I see all these young mum’s and dad’s dragging their kids along to
the Coliseum to show them what being Canadian is all about and two hours later the kids are asking “What was that we saw Daddy?” To which the poor pride beaten father replies
“We’ll go see Johnny Pneumatic at the theatre next week Billy!”
Hockey is bread into the heart’s and minds of Canadian’s across the country. It’s a symbol of Canadian-ness. One of the few true identities this vast nation of nobodies has! Other
than Quebecers, Newfies and squabbling Acadians that is.
Now tonight’s game against the Saguenay Screaming Queens was promising, The Wildhats were two goals up at the end of the second period. I was beginning to feel something
magical was going to happen, then I looked down and remembered I was drinking Irish rum.
Then it happened! I thought extra terrestrials were invading us. The lights
flickered, followed by a deafening crash, then the silence. Except for me shouting f****** Jesus and wetting myself.
When the smoke and debris cleared and the emergency lights came up, we all stood amazed at the sight before our eyes. A huge hole had appeared in the roof and right
In the center of the pitch lay a frozen slab of brown ice about a meter wide. The announcer told us it was a freak accident caused by a jet liner dropping it’s sewage by accident and
that the game would continue around this frozen slab of fecal matter.
Just as things seemed to be looking up, The Saguenay Screaming Queens scored seventeen goals!!! Obviously they are used to playing around shit I thought to myself as yet
another defeat was handed to Moncton’s only hockey team. I tell ya bye, Moncton is doomed!!!
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