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WORLD EXCLUSIVE
The Secret Is Out!
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Shocked onlookers watched in awe as Britain's Prime Minister and America's President
held hands and embraced for the camera's at a recent fund raising spectacular.
Love them or hate them the dynamic duo ended month's of speculation surrounding their
personal lives with a display of unfaltering affection. "Yes its true" Tory Blare announced
his face breaking out into one huge grin. "We've been at it for some time now!" he continued and announced
that he was a very happy man. "This is a coalition of the willing" US President Geordie Busch confirmed
reading from a carefully prepared statement. "This us a harmonius union of committment, trust and loyalty!"
Stunned onlookers could not believe their eyes. Rumours had circulated about their 'close ties' as far back as 9/11 but
nobody dared question thier desires except on a professional level. Recent reports that the couple had been sighted in strip clubs,
movie theatres and swanky restaurants had been flatly denied by a Pink House spkesman.
Busch and Blare stood momentarily for photographers at the annual Immigrants for Weapons charity ball. When asked how
the hunt for weapons of mass destruction was going Busch cheekily quipped "The only weapon of mass destruction I am
facing today sits dormant in the pants of my friend Mr. Blare. A true English man and a gentleman!" Tory looked up lovingly
at his master and buried his head into Busch's shoulder squeezing his hand "Thankyou" he whispered.
This complete turn of events have left people wondering whether Busch or Blare will continue in their current roles of
Western dictators of the free and willing or retire to a small island in the Bahamas. It's hotly tipped that their spouses
may take over their worldly duties while these love buddies get to finally find true love together.
REGIONAL NEWS
Mullet Mania!
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With the countdown to The Moncton Mullet Mania Fest just weeks away we thought we'd bring you
upto date with one of North America's top hair frenzy's.
The Mullet or 'Rat's Nest' as it has become affectionately known burst onto the North American
scene with a vengence back in 1982 thanks to MTV and Mel Gibson. The birth of rock video's paved the way for
promoting the Mullet like nothing else on the planet. Eighties Rock groups like The Scorpions,
Whitesnake, Poison, Def Leppard, Styx and Bon Jovi made Mullet wearing a household name.
Mullets sold records, Mullets sold women, Mullets sold motor bikes and so on. It seemed the Mullet was the
staple for all hot blooded North American males the world over. Unfortunately as the 80's glam rock era drew
to a close paving the way for Grunge so did the decline in Mullets.
Now every year die-hard Mullet fans the world over hold Mullet fests. Even if you can't make one of these fests,
by just visiting trailer parks, fun fairs, truck stops, motorbike shows, weight lifting competitons and local fishing wharfs will provide you with
countless Mullet sightings and proof that the Mullet is alive and well in a community near you.
Catch the annual Moncton Mullet Fest throughout the Summer and be sure to visit their sponsor Daryl's "Make Mine A Mullet" hair salon
on George St en route. For more Mullet Mania check out www.hotmullets.com
Man Woman Attacked Robbed
Moncton Police are looking for conjoined twins who verbally attacked and attempted to rob a man or woman Tuesday night at a Main St. Subway Station.
A spokesperson for the RCMP said the incident occured between midday and midnight. The victim who remains unidentified was verbally assaulted
one or two times by the coinjoined twins. Although it was unclear which of the twins spoke first. They then proceeded to look as if they may or may not
have stolen the victim's dress or slacks. The incident remains a high priority for the RCMP.
Court Clears Reckless Skateboard
A nine-year old skateboard was cleared yesterday in a Moncton Court of all charges arising from causing a multi-car pile-up when it lost control and headed
into a busy intersection. The skateboard who could not be named for legal reasons lost its owner seconds earlier and became airborne when it was hit by a
delivery truck carrying frozen fish. The result ended in several cars being forced to take drastic action. The skateboard was given a suspended jail sentence
and ordered to pay for the loss of fish and damages incurred due to its wreckless behaviours.
Man Eats His Dead Pit Bull
Wilber Bois-joli became the first man ever to eat an entire Pit Bull Terrier. Onlookers stared in disbelief as Wilber, 48 chomped his way through 300lbs
of raw thoroughbred. He did it in a record breaking time of 2 hours 27 minutes at the Annual Bouctouche Bay Dixie Grease challenge. He ate the dog as a symbol of
his faith. "When a pet dies I like to think that their bodies are not wasted. I hate to think of poor Dimples rotting in some back yard years from now!" For
his troubles Wilber received a free Dixie Grease coupon and a brand new set of dentures for his trouble. Way to go Wilber!
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NATIONAL NEWS
NB Prepares for US Onsalught
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With Afghanistan and Iraq currently on the back burner US president George W Busch has now placed his priorities of world domination more closer to home. Canada infact.
Busch fired a warning shot across the bowels of Canada yesterday. “Give us your trees and oil or you will be liberated”. In Washington The Pink House press secretary also found it “troubling and a little unnerving” that Canada was unwilling to co-operate with the presidents interests and desires. “As recent history shows it would be a tactical and beneficial move if all Canadians co-operate to the fullest” he continued.
Meanwhile back in Ottawa it was business as usual. “We're too busy being ignorant and irresponsible right now to worry about what our neighbours in the south are saying” Prime Minister Cretin shrugged puffing on a Cuban.
But here in New Brunswick the threat is very real. Take the border town of St. Stephen. US troops are on guard day and night; tanks line the riverbanks in readiness for an assault. Asked what an impending liberation might be like, one resident lamented “We will loose our hockey, and our national flag, and all of Canada will be burned by the mark of a Busch.
US Secretary of Dictatorships – Ronald Bumsfed said a plan for the removal of Canada’s top guns was already in place and that he has already given US Army boss Tommy Tanks a deck of 55 playing cards of Canada’s most stupid and ignorant people including the mayor of Toronto. Last night forest fires raged in northern Alberta as the impending invasion loomed larger.
Canada Plans To Auction Provinces On Ebay
Outgoing Prime Minister Jean Cretin has launched a desperate last minute
campaign to make sure his legacy continues.
"If your Province is not 'appy
then we will sell it to the highest bidder" Cretin, 68 declared. "I know Alberta, Nunavut, Quebec and Newfoundland
in the past 'ave threaten us with separation and now we will give dem de opportunity to do so!"
Ottawa has long been seen by outsiders and foreigners alike as the Disney Capital of Canadian Politics.
Its a place where responsible, elected MP's spend hours of fun at the tax payers expense gambling, fine dining,
golfing and enjoying prostitution to meet their personal needs. "We do dose things because we are human.
who isn't!" Cretin reasoned.
Opening bids for Newfoundland and Labrador have been set at a whopping $9.99 US,
while Nunavut, Alberta and Quebec have all been set at $4.99 US. Final Provincial sale proceeds will go to "The Continued
Ignorance and Double Standards Bureau (CIDSB). A little known Parliamentary organisation that was founded by John "The Jester"
Trudeau a former Prime Minister that ruined Canada's economy decades ago.
New Brunswick was not mentioned as
a possible auction due to its lack of interest.
THE LAST WORD
Moncton Continues To Defy Logic!
Usually its shrewd business practise to get great big power centres to lure customers from smaller one's in neigbouring towns and cities. But not here in Moncton. The Moncton business cartel has decided to break tradition and lure customers away from one big power centre to another in the same City! Thus creating a confusing and misleading business boom/deficit. Trinity drive is one happening place and now Main Street is trying to be the other.
When asked for some logic on this scenario Moncton Business Cartel President Berk Berkely said "Here in Moncton we do things differently because we are always culturally and economically at odds with ourselves. For a City already drowing in a sea of too much of everything and not enough money to spend this can only lead to greater things" Berkely continued.
Plans are currently in motion to set up Gas stations, grocery stores and bulk supply outlets on every major street corner at intervals of 200 metres. Thus creating a shopping Mecca like no other seen anywhere else before.
Critics however point out that some laws be put in place to curb large businesses from shutting out smaller independent companies that provide better customer and employee services. Bertin Chibougamou's point almost hits the spot. "Here in New Brunswick we are a society divided in many areas. The north and the south, the french speakers and the English speakers. Everyone wants it 50-50. If they got one we have to have one. Instead of living as one unit we as a Province, city or whatever have to live as two. Therefore we have to have two of everything. So it cost money and Moncton is getting all the money right now!"
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