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SPORTS HEADLINES
Bum's Away!
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Hopewell Cape, NB—The Annual Hopewell Cape-Riverside Albert Underpants Run got under way last Sunday
and it caused quite a stir. "It's one of those rare occasions where you just let everything hang out" Charlie Steeves commented, eagerly showing off his sweat ridden, soil stained underpants.
Over five-hundred men and women from several nearby rural settlements took to the two-lane fundy coastal road barefoot, clad only in their T-shirts and
underwear. "It was not a pretty sight!" Mable Spiffin noted. "To see middle aged men and women limping along the highway exposing their sweaty cottage cheese arses is not
something I would wish upon anyone!"
Cyril Sweatsbetter was the eventual winner completing the 24km event in 9 hrs and 56 minutes. He was taken to Hospital suffering
deep cuts to his feet and swollen haemorroids. Other incidents included Womens Liberation Activist - Dolores Bujold 'liberating' her bra and panties in petrol and setting light to them.
She got off to minor nipple and buttock burns.
There were refreshments on hand at every 1km interval. Beer Cigarettes and clean undies. Will there be another event next year? You bet!
Riverview Under 21 Womens Anvil Hurling
Gerda Plockton of Lower Coverdale won the 5th and penultimate round of the Riverview Women's Anvil
hurling league last Saturday. Champion favourite Debbie Steeves narrowly missed out on increasing her lead after her anvil accidently slipped from her hands and smashed her in
the head. It is thought Debbie had too much moisturising cream on at the time. This means that third placed Mandy Machet could now be in with a chance of glory should she win
next weeks title decider. Mandy needs to hurl her anvil clear across the Petitcodiac to be guaranteed top spot.
The Eastern Provincial Herb Growers Challenge
Vince Crandal of Salisbury, NB won the coverted annual Herb growers award this week following weeks of feverish
activity amongst horticultural lovers across eastern New Brunswick. Hundreds of residents took the opportunity of developing acres of untouched scrubland in their back yards
into a sea of herbs and spices. Crandal won hands down with his colourful mix of Poppies, Hemp and Marijuana shaped into a beautiful peace sign motif. The prize - A week long
holiday for two in Colombia, herb capital of the world.
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JETHRO SAVAGE COLUMN
The Sky's The Limit
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I have just as much a passion for flying as I do for downing a bottle of
JD. So you can see how seriously fun both pastimes can be!
Yesterday I took to the skies over Moncton and soared like a bird for an
hour or so. It was pure elevated ecstasy. As I sat there in the cockpit
swigging on my whisky and port cocktails I marveled at the sight from beneath -
mile upon mile of forest, I found flying and drinking a little bit difficult
though because sudden gusts of wind knocked the plane sideways from
time to time making me spill my liquor down my chin. But all in all it was
a real blinder of a ride!
Memories of me fighting for King and country
came flooding back as I recall soaring over Nazi Germany during WWII. I was a fearless
18 year old tear away back then. Yes I flew many sorties over Germany in my
Submarine, bombing the be-Jesus out of the Japs! Oh the good ol' days!
Now where was I?
Ah yes, when you take a little plane up for a little spin always bring a parachute with you. They come
in handy if the plane does something unexpected. For example I dropped my
bottle of JD on the floor and as I reached down to retrieve it my head hit the steering
mechanism and caused the plane to nose dive, I was only 100 feet above the tress so I didn't
have time to pick up the bottle I just bailed out. An Instant reaction from my wartime skills.
I landed safely next to the Airfield Bar and grill,which was nice. The plane however ended up nose-diving
into the ground. Not to worry I'll be up and flying again in no time after a couple of stiff beverages.
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