|
|
WORLD NEWS
US Terror Hostage Blows Lid On Prison Ordeal
 |
|
Retired Pipe Fitter, Seaman McFergus was arrested in London, England in 2002, and was sent to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba on terrororism charges.
The US claims he was arrested, together with several Al-Qaeda members in a well know strip club in Soho, London. McFergus said that he never knowingly had any connection to Al-Qaeda or the Taliban.
"These fellas came over looking for work just like me!" He insisted. "We were there filling out applications to work as male-strippers". Seaman continued.
Two years on, Seaman is finally back home in Londonderry, Ireland. In the media, the 25-year-old had been known as “the Irish Taliban man,” “the Guantanamo Paddy,” or “the Cuban Clover.” At Guantanmo he was simply known as "Ploppy".
"Only by Ploppy, never my name." McFergus said to the Northern Ireland Daily Nightly Catholic News.
McFergus said that he had to endure endless interrogations and abuse during the imprisonment. During the first six months he told the investigators everything he knew, but when he no longer had anything to ad, he kept telling officials to "Feck off!" and that's when interrogations became more and more brutal.
The questioning cell was turned into a pub. McFergus explained that he got his arms tied under his feet and he was force to sit like that for hours facing a nice cool pint of Guinness.
McFergus also claimed that they even tried to tempt him to have sex with senior White House officials in order to make him abandon his faith.
Before McFergus was allowed to leave Guantanamo he was forced to sign a document stating that he would never ever enter a North American fast food chain or work in any North American retail outlets. Seaman is currently planning to sue everyone for being utter morons including his Mum, Dolores, who he claims started this whole fiasco.
Famous Scientist Cracks Arse Hole Paradox
After nearly 30 years of arguing that an arse hole destroys everything that falls into it, eccentric scientist Steven Caulking is saying he was wrong. It seems that arse holes may after all allow information within them to escape. Caulking will present his latest finding at a conference in New York next week.
The about turn might cost Caulking, a scientist at Buttbridge University, a box of cigars and a large cream cake because of a bet he made in 1989. More importantly, it might solve one of the long-standing puzzles in modern physics, known as the 'Arse Hole Farting Paradox'.
It was Caulking's own work that created the paradox. In 1966, he calculated that once an arse hole forms, it starts losing mass by expelling energy. Once the arse hole matter evaporates into the air, all information is dispersed.
In essence, Caulking's arse holes keep emitting smelly gases for long periods of time, eventually opening up to reveal foul smelling solid matter. "It's possible that what Caulkings findings amounted to was nothing more than a pile of crap," said a fellow scientist who who wanted to remain anonymous.
Kidnapped Mexican Escapes In Vaccum Cleaner
 |
|
Two months ago 5ft tall, 32 year old Mexican, Chico Hernandez was installing a soft drinks vending machine in downtown Baghdad when he was suddenly surprised from behind with a small blunt instrument. Hours later he was forced to plead for his life.
"Death was on the cards, but I didn't really mind" The cheerful little Mexican recounted. "Compared to my captors body odour I would have gladly accepted a swift execution".
But for Hernandez luck was on his side thanks to years of working as a contortionist Back in his native Mexico.
"When the cleaning woman came in to clear up all the shit in my cell I snuck up the hose of the vaccum cleaner and waited to be emptied into a garbage can. After that I hit the sewers before popping up in Saddam's Presidential Palace where some drunk American soldiers handed me over to the Mexican authority.
Chico's heroic escape will be featured all week on a CNN special paying tribute to hostages that defy their captors.
|
|
LOCAL NEWS
Female Facial Hair Growth On The Rise
A study by Statistics Canada shows that facial hair growth amongst women aged 21-30 is on the increase.
"Womens hormones are becoming more and more masculine and aggresive" That's the verdict of Sackville Professor of Bodily Hair, Tert Pubik. "In the past few years or so more younger women are finding they need to shave their stubbly faces at least once a week."
This spiraling trend has reached epidemic proportions in places like southeastern New Brunswick. "More ladies are now facing five o'clock shadows when leaving work. Its all quite remarkable! Some women are now opting to grow stylish goatee's!" Professor Pubik reflected.
Woman with dark complexions, who smoke are the most visibly at risk of aquiring 'FFHS' or Feminine Facial Hair Syndrome. Many pharmacists across southeastern New Brunswick have recorded record sales of men's shaving products in recent months. Which is a boon for hardy retailers!
Bra Bomber Creates Havoc In Food Court
A woman who set off a blast that covered herself and four onlookers in ground beef may have been wearing a 'bra bomb' a police investigator said.
The device exploded as the would be attacker approached a food court in a busy shopping mall in Dieppe, New Brunswick. Two eye witnesses who escaped with minor injuries said that the woman, in her late twenties, smiled and showed them her bare midriff before the blast went off.
"All this points to the possibility that the woman was wearing a bra packed with beef by-products" Inspector Igor Boudreau explained. "The attack bore all the hallmarks of a disgruntled activist fed up with all the cheap chemically enhanced fast food currently being offered in the city" continued Boudreau.
Forensic experts believe the bra could have been wired to go off when fondled. This would be the first case of its kind encountered in the Greater Moncton municipality.
Saint John Couple Say 'I Do' In Septic Tank
Saint John, NB - Most people get married flanked by friends and Family but a New Brunswick couple tied the knot in a septic tank on Saturday surrounded by nothing more than good old raw sewage.
Davinia Dobson, 21, and Mervin Lutz, 30, each wearing bubble-helmet immersion suits, were lowered in a cage into the septic tank at their local sewage treatment plant in Saint John.
As they swirled round in the grey, brown untreated stench -- Mervin responded “I do” to Mayor Pam Blatt who was communicating via a phone link.
The couple wanted to draw attention to the lack of raw sewage plants in third world countries.
Cigarette Blamed For Exploding Toilet
Salisbury, NB - Warning: Smoking in the toilet can be very dangerous. That's especially true for 55 year old truck driver Norbert Collins.
The explosion, which occured last friday in a Dim Mortons coffee outlet resulted from a build up of methane gas inside the washroom. "The methane did not take too kindly to Mr Collins lit cigarette" A Dim Mortons worked reported saying.
Collins a truck driver for Crappers Haulage was observed as hurrying into the washroom, cigarette hanging from his bottom lip. Moments later a giant explosion ripped through the restaurant. After a few tense minutes a burned and dazed Collins emerged staggering into the parking lot minus his clothes before collapsing naked into a smouldering heap on the ground.
Although the building was totally destroyed no-one else was injured in the explosion. Collins faces charges of reckless endangerment of public service workers and faces a fine of unwilfull but neglegent destruction of a commercial property.
|
