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INTERNATIONAL NEWS
President Obama Appears On Yet Another Daytime TV Show!
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President Obama Pictured Here In Fits Of Laughter With
Secretary Of State Clinton During A Recent White House Birthday Party.
WASHINGTON D.C (AP)
It seems US President Barack Obama cannot get enough of daytime TV these days.
His popularity in recent months has plummeted due to his handling of the BP oil fiasco that saw the
President enjoying a round of Golf while his British BP scapegoat, former Haircut 100 singer and current BP CEO Nick Heyward enjoyed a weekend yachting around Britain's Isle of
Wight.
To rectify damaging his accountability further Obama instructed that an American become CEO of BP so that any future oil spills would be absolved of any blame whatsoever and that
Nick Hayward take a managerial role at a UK Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise.
To add further insult to injury, his closest aides advised him to appear on a slew of American cable shows in a bid
to boost public support.
The celebrity TV train did not stop there. Only last week he appeared on Saturday Night Live as a vaccum cleaner salesman and as a contestant on America's
'Wheel of Fortune' where he vowed all his personal winnings from the show be donated to unemployed Clam fisherman in the Gulf of Mexico.
"We were under the impression for a long time that our elected president was intelligent. Deep down he still is". A senior Liberal senator who wished to remain anonymous
disclosed.
"However he has favoured taking the advice from aides who think that drinking beer with insignificant black professors and equally unimportant white cops on his lawn is more
important than running a country. He has totally lost touch with the real world and has embraced the belief that targeting daytime TV viewers will get the job done".
"Its a sad day for
America. At least President Bush was an ass, accepted it and acted like all the world leaders around him. Ruthless, wrong and corrupt in every sense!"
Hockey Rookie Unleashes The Motherload.
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Future NHL Sensation Stan Stanovic (pictured) During His Highly Explosive Moment.
PHILADELPHIA, PA (AP) - Serbian Hockey sensation Stanislas Stanovic, rookie for the Philadelphia Flippers got caught off guard during off-season training yesterday.
The 22 year old upcoming rookie was out on the ice, slicing and dicing his stick when he succumbed to a freak, highly explosive bout of bowel bother.
"This was totally unprecedented and without warning!" Flippers manager Pierre Laviolette was quoted as saying. "Stan had been feeling a little queasy following an extraordinary long spell of
constipation so our medical team gave him some laxative remedies to help ease his discomfort then out of the blue he just showered the ice with sh*t pellets! It was unreal!"
Stanovic in a state of deep regret and embarrassment was being comforted by family and friends last night following the mishap and released the following statement to his fans. "I am ashamed at
what happened, I hope you will find it in your hearts to forgive and forget. I have learned my lesson. This mistake will never happen again".
Unfortunately the incident was sensationally caught on camera and posted on youtube by The Philadephia Flippers Zamboni operator. He has since been fired.
Man Found Alive Fifty Years After Setting Sail for St. John's Newfoundland In Wind Propelled Bathtub.
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Billionaire Bathtub Manufacturer Donal O'Doonican (Pictured) Floating Off The Scottish Coast Last Sunday.
GLASGOW, Scotland (AP) -
Irish-born billionaire bathtub manufacturer Donal O'Doonican left the shores of County Kerry, Ireland bound for St. John's, Newfoundland on August 16th 1961. He believed he could make the
transatlantic crossing in thirty days. As history will document he never arrived.
However newspaper articles recounted sporadic sightings of a man matching the description of O'Doonican during the first few years of his voyage.
Take the story of a crazed Irishman who was found with severe malnutrition and dehydration living in a an upturned bathtub along the shores of Namibia's inhospitable Skeleton Coast as long ago
as 1964.
Fast forward three years to 1967 when a National Geographic reporter stationed on the Island of Mauritius in the southwest Indian Ocean reported seeing a crazy incoherent
drunk with a bathtub in a local bar in St. Louis.
All the reporter got from the man was his name and that 'He didn't realize it rained at sea'.
O'Doonican, now 71, was plucked from the Ocean after being spotted perilously close to rocks off the coast of the Outer Hebrides in Scotland and air lifted to hospital in Glasgow, along with his
bathtub. Asked how he had kept himself alive for so long he sang 'Seabirds, salt, booze and rain keeps the old bastard from going insane!'.
It is now believed that O'Doonican was quickly swept off his initial course and set an incredulous fifty year course around the globe following the currents of the North Atlantic, West African Coast,
rounding the notorious Cape of Good Hope, surviving the roaring forties of the south Indian ocean, the Pacific, North West Passage finally following the currents into North Atlantic across to
Scotland.
How he managed to say alive and afloat in his wind propelled bathtub has left maritime experts dumbfounded.
Pandemic On The Rise As Fear Grows
OSLO, NORWAY (AP) - No-one is quite sure how it started or when it originated but one thing is certain an epidemic of pandemic proportions is spreading throughout the western world
according to a top Norweigan psychologist.
"More and more people are living in fear for whatever reason and its growing". Top Doctor of Behavioural Sciences Sigurd Frederiksen warned. "We think this steady increase of fear began
somewhere in the western hemisphere. We believe this latest pandemic has been exacerbated by a continual stream of negativity beamed 24-7 into homes that have access to satellite and cable
channels.
We have seen this before. More recently with the H1N1 outbreak which was instigated by clever media management strategies. By the US government and pharmaceutical companies desperate
to make a a buck during one of the worlds biggest periods of recession. After millions of North American's and Latvians ran screaming, fearful of their sudden impending death to their local Sports
complexes, schools and libraries in order to be saved the whole situation amounted to nothing short than a dose of heavy flu.”
The doctor believes a more sinister pandemic plan has been put into action on the unsuspecting public. This pandemic is bigger and more voracious in its delivery. I believe its intentions are to
make people really fearful. With fear comes paranoia and with paranoia comes instability. Once this is achieved, with no end in sight one might assume a total mental meltdownn for millions of
mellow minded folk.
“Unfortunately we have no quick fix to this problem, there is no needle to protect us. I can just hope and pray to the powers that be that we will somehow see the light and fight this. I strongly advise
any sensible human being out their just to simply switch off their 42 inch+ TV sets and go and grow some organic produce. You'll be thankful you did.” he urged.
OBITUARY
Canadian Skating Sensation Ulysses 'Pop-tart' Llewellyn Dies.
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Ulysses In A File Photo From The 1984 Winter Olympics.
OROMOCTO, NB (AP) - New Brunswicker's were in mourning yesterday following the tragic death of one of their own. Ulysses 'Pop-tart' Llewellyn.
Born in Cwm Tillery, United Kingdom to
parents, Bleddyn Llewelllyn, a Pig herder and unstable mother GwennAlarch he was later adopted in 1964 and shipped to New Brunswick, Canada.
Ulysses quickly adapted to harsh
Canadian winters and obsessive amounts of Ice Skating.
In 1980 Ulysses became a local hero when he won the New Brunswick male Major Junior Senior Freestyle Figure Skating Championships in Minto.
This title set him up for 1984 XIV
Olympic Winter Games held Sarajevo, Yugoslavia.
He was given a standing ovation during the opening ceremonies but his chance at a winning medal was dealt a severe
blow.
While stepping out of a taxi outside the Zetra Ice Hall, he inexplicably broke his pelvis. As history would reveal, Ulysses's understudy Brian Orser would step in and later take
silver.
in 1986 Ulysses began his hugely popular Canadian TV show 'The Figure Skating Chef'. It lasted three seasons and brought culinary delights on ice to new heights.
Sadly in 1989
Ulysses was dealt yet another blow following a freak accident where he broke both his ankles while opening the front door to his house. Again his friend and assistant TV Chef Brian Orser stepped in
for the remainder of the season.
Always upbeat he then went on to write and direct the award winning 1995 Ice spectacular 'Bambi the Ballerina'. It won rave reviews across Canada and the US. His autobiographical book 'The
Way Of The Ice' was released just two years ago.
He died yesterday after slipping on a discarded pop-tart.
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LOCAL NEWS
Casino New Brunswick Dealing Another Linguistic Hurdle?
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MONCTON, NB (AP) - Another complaint was formerly submitted yesterday this time from the Visibly Impaired Gamblers Association.
Denise MacCormier questioned the validity of New Brunswick's bilingual laws and declared that all slot machines be fitted with French and English braille.
"Anglophones and Francophones in this province are for the most part closet bigots. They cry foul and run to the courts like spoiled little children at a huge cost to us - the tax payer!" Ms
McCormier fumed.
"Visually impaired gamblers don't give a rat's rectum what language is being spoken at Casino's. We just want to be able to gamble. Robbing us of this right is an
affront to the visibly impaired!" She concluded.
Later that day Herve 'Pepsi-gas' Robichaud, spokesperson for the Provincial Government issued the following statement. "The Province of New Brunswick does not care what language is used to
deprive a fool from his cash. Helping the disabled however is our priority. We will surely look into this matter."
This latest development follows a grilling of the Casino by New Brunswick Commissioner of official languages - Michel Carrier who accused Casino management of causing an affront to french
speaking Canadians by having the card tables and slot machines built by English speaking Canadians.
Briton Starts Speaking Chiac After Eating A Poutine Râpée.
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Brenda Bamstick (Pictured) And A Poutine Râpée.
LONDON (AP) - A British woman has suddenly started speaking Chiac after eating a traditional French-Acadian dish called
Poutine Râpée it can be revealed.
Brenda Bamstick a 35-year-old from Scunthorpe, South Humberside, UK is now undergoing speech therapy.
"I was staying with a cousin in South Eastern New Brunswick and we went
out one night and my cousin's husband introduced me to this grey sweaty looking haggis type ball covered with sugar. It had meat in the middle, ham or something, anyway once I ate it I went into a
gag reflex and lost conciousness. When I woke I found I was speaking silly but my cousin's husband told me I was speaking in Chiac"
For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term Chiac it is a contact language consisting of Acadian French heavily mixed and structured with English. For example "C'est either que tu parles
francais, c'est either que tu parles anglais. Translated this means - 'It's either you speak French or either you speak English'.
Miss Bamstick's speech therapist believes she has developed Foreign Accent Syndrome (FAS). FAS is usually linked to a stroke or traumatic brain injury and there are thought to be only a couple
of dozen sufferers around the world.
"We believe that when Brenda fainted she sustained a frontal lobe injury when her forhead connected with one of the restaurant's dining tables". Her
therapist concluded.
"It's bizzare! My friends and family think I'm possessed but when I speak to my french-Acadian friends in Canada they understand me perfectly! It's a pity to lose it but hey, who in Scunthorpe
speaks Chiac!" She shrugged.
Flammable Hairpiece Possible Cause Of Mall Inferno.
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Spectacular Flames Drew Crowds Like Dermott LeBlanc (pictured) As Firemen Fought To Control Fire
MONCTON, NB (AP). Fire officials were releasing few details late last
night following a horrific blaze that tore through a popular retail plaza in downtown Moncton.
Smoke and flames almost one-hundred feet high could be seen belching from the roof for miles around Metro. Many stunned observers and onlookers flocked to the scene as fire crews from
around the region bravely battled to contain the blaze.
“We got a call around 7pm last night saying a huge fire was rampaging through the Mall.” A spokesperson for the Moncton fire department confirmed.
“Thankfully due to eight hours of due diligence and perseverance managed to bring the fire under control”.
It was believed ta suspicious crate packed with discarded gas bottles stored outside a nearby building was to blame. It became apparent however once the flames were doused that a stock room
filled with highly flammable unisex fashion wigs stacked next to an electric heater located in the 'Wig Emporium' may have in fact played a significant role in the inferno.
Riverview Tree Dangler Caught.
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The Moment Of Capture. It's All Over For The Riverview Tree Dangler.
Greater Moncton residents were breathing a sigh of relief last night following the sensational capture of the
the man known as the 'Riverview Tree Dangler'.
For the past few weeks elderly female residents of Moncton and Riverview had been gripped by fear over sightings of a sick opportunist who would climb up trees where branches would overhang
their bedroom windows.
He would wolf-whistle, shout obscenities then proceed to swing and dangle in an erotic manner from the branches.
"We were alerted to an unwanted visitor late last night who was seen bouncing up and down on a branch outside an elderly woman's home in Lower coverdale.
Upon greeting the person
of interest we tried for several minutes to talk him down. He refused so we tasered him off the tree." Constable Rick Lestrange, who officiated the arrest, told reporters.
Police revealed
that unemployed Badminton racket repair man Harald Schnitzelclinger, 33, to be the perpetrator. His motive however remains unclear although he did state that he was Peter Pan's number one fan
and that he wanted to find his Tinkerbell.
Bilingual Toilets For Dieppe.
DIEPPE, NB (AP). Councillors voted overwhelminglyy in favour last night in favour of installing bilingual toilets for all municipal locations throughout the city.
"We had some complaints about the way toilets would flush." Dieppe Mayor LeBlanc observed. "English speaking residents said our toilets made a 'Ku-Klunk' like sound when depressing the
flush mechanism. While french speaking residents felt the toilets made a 'Pfft-shlishh' like sound." LeBlanc animatedly concluded.
Following a tense debate, both sides agreed upon a universal sounding flush that could be understood in both official languages.
"Now we have set in motion a new design, whereby the toilets will flush with a bilingual 'Woosh' that all our residents will be able to understand".
Drivers Seen Smiling At The Pumps.
MONCTON, NB (AP) - Odd sightings were reported across Metro Moncton this morning of motorists sitting in their cars seemingly smiling inanely at gas pumps.
One local resident summed it up. "I pulled into Altramar gas station to fill up and all the pumps were taken. Cars parked beside each one, their occupants all sitting behind the wheel. I got out and
walked around and saw these folk smiling like brain-dead zombies. It was horrible!".
As the morning wore on more and more people began reporting that other gas stations in the city were experiencing the same phenomenon.
It soon became apparent however that this was not a 'serious event' just penny obsessed consumers in a mild state of shock on discovering that the gas prices had dropped 4 cents a litre the
night before.
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