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BREAKING NEWS
Yasser Snacks Hit New Brunswick Stores!
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Public opinion here in New Brunswick has never been so divided. Good will gesture or an
attempt at provocation? That's the reaction to Yasser Snacks the new line of Potato chip that went on sale
yesterday in most food stores. "I think it's tasteless!" Alice Bleurgh retorted "There's no flavour!"
Jarred Jowles offered a different perspective. "They're a bit cheesy to say the least!". However
it hasn't stopped the thousands of regular Mall rats from getting their hands on these sinful debate-provoking snacks. "We sold out in minutes here!" Chief supervisor of Sober's claimed, "The checkout lanes
were heaving with shopping carts jam packed with these new snacks! It seems like everyone wants a piece of Yasser! Elsewhere there was
outrage. Several City locations reported mass chip burning protests. N.B. Premier Bunjay Cord promised to look into the matter saying
"I was not made aware of this product but I will sincerely look into it and make my decision
in the near future!" In the meantime it's thought that Yasser's Bonzai Chilli Jalapeno variety will be on the market very soon.
Muddyview Man Injured In Supository Accident.
53 year old Wilf Bibble was busy preparing himself for work when he innocently mistook
his hemorrhoid suppressant for a WWII torpedo shell. Bibble, who suffers from Object
Disorientation Disorder (ODD) began to get into difficulties as he inserted the shell.
Taking drastic measures to new heights it is believed he leapt into the air and landed on his
posterior thus igniting the torpedo. Neighbours rushed to the scene when the whole side
of Mr. Bibbles house blew apart. A short time later Miriam Munster, spokeswoman for
Moncton Hospitals Inc made the following statement. "The man was clearly delusional but we
are happy to report that he is listed in stable condition and no longer needs a hemorrhoid
Operation."
Squirrel Finds Missing Panties.
MONCTON, NB�Police searching for thousands of dollars worth of ladies lingerie said on Friday they had recovered a cache of stolen panties
in Centennial Park having been led them by a squirrel.
"A 39 year old man was arrested at 1:20 a.m. suspected of the theft," a spokeswoman for Moncton RCMP told us.
"When officers returned to the scene of the crime, a fashion show company, they were met by a little red squirrel," she added, reading from the case-book.
"The squirrel indicated it wanted the officers to follow it by running a little, stopping and then looking back before continuing."
She said it then climbed a tree, at the base of which officers found four boxes of stolen panties. The goods went missing last Christmas during
a fashion show at Champlain Place. Witnesses reported a man dressed in a Santa costume sprinting across the Mall Parking lot carrying several
heavy black garbage bags. "We are in debt of this squirrel," said the spokeswoman. "We have enlisted his services on the Police force."
Premier's Farting Outrage.
SAINT JOHN, NB�The annual Businessman's Ball got a few unwelcome frowns last Thursday
during a gala to celebrate more government funding for a new billion dollar eatery / call centre complex in West Saint John. Apparently
food was the culprit. Dinner guests had to be served with Greeko's Pizza as a last minute resort because the regular catering staff all
fell ill with botulism. As Premier Cord made his speech many of the guests began breaking wind uncontrollably, this lead to uncontrollable
fits of laughter which resulted in Mr. Cord exiting the conference in disgust. A full apology has been made but it was too little too late. He decided
the venture would be more suited to cater for the coffee dependant, consumer addicted, gambling workhorses of Moncton.
Hair Curler Stolen.
MONCTON, NB�A hair curler worth $1.00 was stolen from the bedroom of a 56-year old mother
of two on the Bills Mills road late last night. The curler belonging to Mrs Ethel
Blancmange was last seen attached to her elderly mother, 86 year old Bolga Pewkes.
Anyone with information concerning the whereabouts of the curler
and Mrs Blancmange's mother should contact the Police.
If You Live In Moncton You Live Longer.
It's official! Statistics Canada has concluded
that the average lifespan for hub city residents is a year or more longer than that of free range chickens.
These findings show that compared to the national average, Moncton people can expect to outlive an ordinary free-range
chicken by 1.3 years. The three year study revealed that humans adapted better to their
surroundings than their foul-feathered counterparts. It's thought that longevity and survival
instincts played a key factor.
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TOP STORY
Dick Head Reports
On Lighthouse Abuse
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Lighthouse abuse is fast becoming an epidemic. The awful thing is nobody see's it coming
until it's too late!
Since lighthouses became automated some fifty years ago the incidents of lighthouse abuse have steadily been on the increase.
Case in point the Blogg Lighthouse located at Shags Head, NFLD. It was an engineering marvel that stood 300ft tall, hooked fast to the rocky cliff by steel supports.
Then one day in 1967 Mr and Mrs Jim Blobby were told their services were no longer required. The very next day the Lighthouse mysteriously disappeared!
This was the first recorded case of lighthouse abuse.
The only thing that remains of the Shags Head light today is a pair of box cutters and a nail file. Since then lighthouses across Atlantic Canada
have been subjected to abduction, decapitation, defication and hate mail.
I am standing here next to one of the few almost complete lightouses left in Eastern Canada.
The Percy's Cove lightouse in N.S. Can you tell me tourists want to see this?
Last night I camped out on the cliffs in an attempt to catch the abusers and all I caught was a dreadful cold. Locals here say
its the ghosts of Jim and Janice Blobby that come up here and spread their evil over the light. Bizzare, because every where I have visited the locals all
say the same thing? However I believe that Janice and Jim have spawned a new breed of copy cats, hell bent on wanton destruction. Please help me make this abuse
a thing of the past. If you have witnessed any form of
lighthouse abuse or have heard any chilling stories to that effect drop me a line. Or send me $5 for the Dick Head Light relief fund.
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