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SPORTS HEADLINES
Bull Run Gets Underway
SUSSEX - The Sussex annual Bull Pulling Championships began yesterday. Sixteen farmers and their
prize bulls will compete in the gruelling Sussex to Salisbury Bull pull in an attempt to beat the record set by Johannes Bawslanger in 1983. A feat in which he managed to
drag his Prize Bull, Hansel, fifty km's in under eight hours. This years Bull Pullers hope to smash the record. "It shouldn't be too difficult" said seasonal entrant
Farmer Basil Fillysuck who's Bull Ned has entered five previous events. "Last year was a setback for me. My Bull managed to break free and got hit by
a passing tractor trailer but after some gruelly physiotherapy he's as strong as an ox now!" Lets hope someone walks home with the Bullseye!
Rabbits Interrupt Lagoon Lake 50.
Lagoon Lake, NS - Eastern Canada's very own version of NASCAR was interrupted midway through
the Lagoon Lake 50 when a family of bunny rabbits hopped onto the course and proceeded to eat carrots. Series leader after five rounds Kenny MacMacDonald
veered onto the grass in an attempt to move the unsuspecting rabbits but ran over them by accident. The race was stopped as rescue crews began cutting the rabbits
from the wreckage. Kenny was so distraight he accompanied the rabbits by Air Ambulance to Halifax Regional Hospital for Animals. The race
has been posponed until next month.
Mysterious Rash Halt's All Women Rugby Game
New Brunswick's heavy weight female Rugby teams the Tantramar Tetons faced off against
The Shediac Skirtlifters on Monday amid much hype. Thousands packed the Shediac Speedway
to watch the bloodied babes battle it out.
Midway through the second half however The Tetons began writhing uncontrolably on the
ground, giggling and scratching feverishly. After a brief inspection it was deemed the players
were no longer capable of playing. Huge red welts appeared on their bodies and they
began to burst. The team was taken to Hospital and kept under observation.
It was revealed hours later however that The Shediac Skirtlifters Coach, Wincy Galtreau
had secretly stuffed the Tetons clothing with a highly reproductive strain of flea that impregnate
and give birth on contact with skin. By nightfall the whole of Shediac was under quarantine.
We have learned that the danger is now over as helicopters dumped gallons of flea powder on the town
late last night.
Wimbledon Umpire Sues for Damages.
Gianfranco Giancomelli the umpire made famous during the men's Wimbledon semi-final clash between
Mexico's Bafuco Testeverdi and America's Andi Agassalot last year has filed for
damages resulting in a freak accident that left Gianfranco with Agassalot's tennis racket
embedded in his left nostril. Adding insult to injury the stray ball hit by Testeverdi lodged in
his right nostril. Gianfranco left the scene, watched by millions bloodied and humiliated.
Since his nostril splitting accident last year he has been unable to work or be taken seriously
and was left with a huge medical bill. To make matters worse Andi Agassalot sued the Umpire
for breaking his prize racket. "I don't see why he's suing for damages! My racket would have taken
me to the final had it not splintered up Mr. Giancomelli's nose!"
Giancomelli refused to comment or make any statements as we went to press.
American Football Facing Name Change.
Since North America discovered how pathetic American Football is to watch
compared to the riveting action filled sport called Soccer. Sports dignitaries and Presidents are pondering
a name change for the sport in which over paid padded pansy's get to stand around for commercials, drink gatorade and look mean. Europe has been pressuring
North America to play real men's sports for years now with the likes of Rugby, Soccer, cricket and rowing to name a few. It is belived that American Soccer will now be known as
'American Football' and American Football as it is currently known will be renamed 'Handball'
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SAVAGE REPORTS...
Jethro Savage Reports On That Sinking Feeling
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Muddy Front Park, Moncton - After a gruelling few months building a dream baseball pitch on the banks of the Petitcodiac River
The first Baseball game got underway here last Saturday between the Moncton Tightpants and The Minto Missionary's
In attendance was yours truly totally out of it on absynthe, our ever faithful Mayor Ryan Duffy, co owner of Serving Gas
Bobby Serving and Premier Bunjay Cord.
After ten minutes or so of game play things got a little shaky.
At first I thought it was the effects of being deprived of alcohol, as it happened the spectators stand collapsed. Seconds later after picking myself up I
watched in horror as both baseball teams got carried away by a torrent of mud and
sludge.
What was supposed to be the opening match of the season turned into a mud wrestle for survival. At least I found a dry cigarette to suck on
and a small bottle of whisky in my pocket to calm my nerves as the mud inched up to my neck. Luckily a passing farmer sent down his cows to the river
bank armed with ropes and began dragging us all out one by one.
Baseball fans will be glad to know that temporary area of land next to the Moncton Landfill has
been cleared of refrigerators so that the game can be resumed early next week. I however will be eating strawberry's by the punnett and swiging Martini's at
Wimbledon by the time you read this.
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