Here is my ever-growing collection of some of the best clean health and fitness jokes that I've come across. To the best of my knowledge these are just jokes and not based on actual facts; so please do not be offended if you have fallen victim to any similar circumstances. At any rate, feel free to send me any jokes that you may have, and I'll post them here as well.

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Home Health Club      For my birthday, my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it.      I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started. DAY 1      They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blonde hair and a dazzling white smile.      She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points.       Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was encouraged as I did my sit-ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT!! DAY 2      Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT! DAY 3      The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorials. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagon.      Tanya was a little impatient with me and said that my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest, so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators?      Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse. DAY 4      Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. NOT A CHANCE TANYA!! The word dumb must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's rom until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank. DAY 5      I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain, I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya. I don't have triceps, and if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage. YOU went to sadist school. YOU are to blame.      She had the treadmill set so fast that it flung me back into a phys. ed teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music, or home economics teacher? DAY 6      Got Tanya's message on my answering machine wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote, so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel. DAY 7      Well, that's the week. Thank God that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a free lower-colon exam or gum surgery. Scrambled Radio      A June bride asked her husband to copy the radio menu one morning. The husband did his best, but got two stations at once. Once was broadcasting morning exercises and the other the recipes. This is what he got:      "Hands on hips, place one cup of flour on shoulders, raise knees, depress toes and wash roughly in one-half cup of milk. In four counts raise and lower legs and wash two hard boiled eggs in a sieve. Repeat six times. Inhale one-half teaspoon of baking powder, one cup of flour, then breath naturally. Exhale and sift. Attention - jump to a position and bend whites of eggs backwards and forwards. Arms forward, overhead, raise the cooked egg in flour and in four counts make stiff dough. Lie flat in flour and roll into marbles, size of walnuts. Hop to straddle in boiling water, but do not boil at a gallop. After ten minutes, remove and wipe with a dry towel. Breath deeply. Dress in warm flannels and serve with fish soup.   Home