A LETTER TO MY SPOUSE!
With loving feelings!


 

To My Dear Wife:

During the past year,  I have tried to make love to

you 365 times.

I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of about

once every 10 days.  The following is a list why

I did not succeed more often.

14 times the sheets were clean.  17 times it was too late.

49 times you were too tired.  20 times it was too early.

15 times it was too hot.  3 times you said the neighbors

would hear us.  22 times you had a headache.  7 times you were

sunburned.  9 times you said your mother would hear us.

43 times you were not in the mood. 17 times you were afraid of

waking the kids.  6 times you were watching the late show

on TV.  5 times you did not want to mess up your hair.

16 times you said you were too sore.

12 times it was the wrong time of the month.

And 19 times you had to get up early.  Of the 36 times I

did succeed,

the activity was not satisfactory because~

6 times you just laid there,  8 times you reminded me

there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me

to hurry and get it over with,  7 times I had to wake you

to tell you I had finished, and once I was afraid I hurt you

because I felt you move.

To My Dear Husband:

I think you have things a little confused.

Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get it more

than you did.

5 times you came home drunk and tried to mess

with the dog.

35 times you did not come home at all.

21 times you just didn't come.

33 times you came to soon.

19 times you went soft before you got it in.

10 times your toes were in a cramp.

38 times you worked too late.

26 times you had to get up early to play golf.

2 times you were in a fight and someone

kicked you THERE.

4 times you got it caught in your zipper.

3 times you had a cold and your nose kept running.

3 times your coffee was too hot and you burned your tongue.

2 times you had a splinter in your finger.

20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day.

6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book.

98 times you were too busy watching football on TV.

Of the times we did get together,

the reason I laid still is because you missed and

was 'enjoying' the pillow, and I was not talking

about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was,

"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

And the time you felt me move was because

you farted and I was trying to breathe.

                             Sadie May 99