Computer users, Click Here Web TV viewer to view as MSNTV (WebTV)
Thank you R2D2 for leading the way and lighting our path with your new spot light. It sure gets dark out there in cyber space :)
Ok folks. Are we ready to get started for more Jokes & Quotes? Lets go....
~1~
JOKE
WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was"DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have Forbidden
fruit!!!!!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
But.... THERE IS reassurance in this story! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
~2~
JOKE
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching your children to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.
AND FINALLY:
If You have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the asprine bottle: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" and "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN."
~3~
JOKE
FOR THE SICK
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" Mom asked.
"Yes."
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick."
~4~
JOKE
FACINATE
A school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly said, "My family went to my granddaddy's farm,and we saw all his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to See Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word "fascinate".
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny was noted for his bad language.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word"fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My cousin's wife has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big, she can only fasten eight."
The teacher could do nothing but cry!
~5~
JOKE
WISDOM OF AGE
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home in the summer near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.
Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys full of youthful afterschool enthusiasm came down his street beating merrily on every trash can they encountered.
The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look" he said, "I haven't received my Social Security (pension) check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?!" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
WOW! I think I just found the "BLACK HOLE"!
~6~
JOKE
CHILDREN'S SERMON
One Easter sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?" "I know!" A little boy exclaimed. "PANTYHOSE!"
~7~
JOKE
THEORY ON WORMS!
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put in a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put in a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put in a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put in a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
First worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in the Cigarette smoke - dead. Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - ALIVE.
So the Science teacher asked the class... "What can we learn from this experiment?"
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said... "As long as you drink,
smoke and have sex, you won't have worms
~8~
JOKE
GRANDMA'S AGE:
Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was.
Grandma answered, "39 and holding."
Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"
~9~
JOKE
FIRST TIME USHERS:
A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the the boy said loudly, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE."
~10~
JOKE
CLIMB THE WALLS:
"Oh, I sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother's side. "Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked.
"I heard him tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit" the little boy answered.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I hope you enjoyed all the jokes on this page and will join us on the next page.
Meet my good and dearest friend Jenny Lu. She is anxious to assist you to page 12 if you would like to follow her. She's pretty fast so you might have to run to keep up. If you prefer you can click on to "NEXT" located under my guest book. You will get there just as fast without running out of breath. I'm on my way so I'll meet you there? Sure hope so :)
