Thank you Mr. Peabody for your help. I am happy to see you have joined us here at page 10 for Jokes & Quotes :)
~ 1 ~ Joke
FIRST,SECOND,AND THIRD BABIES
~ Your Clothes: ~
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
~ Preparing for the Birth: ~
1st baby:You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
~ The Layette: ~
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
~ Worries: ~
1st baby: At the first sign of distress (a whimper), or a frown you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
~ Pacifier: ~
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
~ Diapering: ~
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
~ Activities: ~
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
~ Going Out: ~
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
~ At Home: ~
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
~ Swallowing Coins: ~
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When 2nd child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin to pass.
3rd child: When 3rd child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!
~ 2 ~ Joke
These are actual excuse notes from parents to school teachers (including original spelling) Collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University of Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston
~~~~~~~~~
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
~~~~~~~~~~
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
~~~~~~~~~~
Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
~~~~~~~~~~
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today.
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Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
~~~~~~~~~~
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
~~~~~~~~~~
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
~~~~~~~~~~
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
~~~~~~~~~~
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
~~~~~~~~~~
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
~~~~~~~~~~
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
~~~~~~~~~~
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
~~~~~~~~~~
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday
paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
~~~~~~~~~~
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with
the Marines.
~~~~~~~~~~
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
~ 3 ~
Presidential Quotes
1. Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves, under a just
God, cannot long retain it.
-Abraham Lincoln-
2. If anyone tells you that America's best days are behind her, they're looking the wrong way.
-George W. Bush-
3. And so, my fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.
-John Fitzgerald Kennedy-
~ 4 ~ Joke
A small boy went with his parents to see a young couples new baby. He looked at the small, wrinkled red face for a while and said, "So that's why she hid him under the coat for so long."
~ 5 ~ Joke
Things My Mother Taught Me
My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling
test, you'll never get a good job!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me."
My mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a
barn?"
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE... "When you get to be my
age, you will understand."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING... "You are going to get it when we get home."
~ 6 ~ Joke
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN:K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?" JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
~ 7~
Joke
Grammar School Children's answers to "MOM" questions
The following are different answers given by school-age children to
these questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1.-She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2.-Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
3.-Mostly to clean the house.
4.-To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1.- He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2.- Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3.- God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger
parts.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1.- We're related.
2.- God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1- God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in
the world and one dab of mean.
2.-They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly used
string. I think.
What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1.- My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2.- I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty
bossy.
3.- They say she used to be nice.
How did your Mom meet your Dad?
1.- Mom was working in a store and Dad was shoplifting.
What did your Mom need to know about your Dad before she married him?
1.- His last name.
2.- She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get
drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs
and YES to chores.
Why did your Mom marry your Dad?
1.- My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a
lot.
2.- She got too old to do anything else with him.
3.- My grandma says that my Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
What makes a real woman?
1.- It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.
Who's the boss at your house?
1.- Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad's such a
goofball.
2.- Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the
bed.
3.- I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.
What's the difference between Moms and Dads?
1.- Moms work at work and work at home, and Dads just got to work at
work.
2.- Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3.- Dads are taller and stronger, but Moms have all the real power
'cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your
friend's.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1.- Mothers don't do spare time.
2.-To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What's the difference between Moms and Grandmas?
1.- About 30 years.
2.- You can always count on Grandmothers for candy. Sometimes Moms don't
even have bread on them!
Describe the world's greatest Mom.
1.- She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
2.- The greatest Mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat Aunts!
3.- She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
Is anything about your Mom perfect?
1.- Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2.- Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3.- Just her children.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1.- On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2.- Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1.- She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid
of that.
2.- I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
~ 8 ~ Joke
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
It's a period," he replied.
I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was missing one. Mommy fainted, Daddy had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the army".
~ 9 ~ Joke
How To Get to Heaven
"If I sold my house and my car,had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class.
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
Again the answer was,"NO!"
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?" I asked them again.
Once more they all answered, "NO!"
"Well," I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
A five-year -old boy shouted out, "YOU GOT TO BE DEAD!"
~ 10 ~ Quotes
Christian One Liners:
-Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited-until you try to sit in their pews.
-Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
-It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
-The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
-When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
-People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
-Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
-Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
-The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: "And in conclusion."
-If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has!
-God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
-To make a long story short, don't tell it.
-Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
-Peace starts with a smile.
-I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?
-A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.
-We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
-Outside of traffic, there is nothing that holds this country back as much as committees.
-Be ye fishers of men. You catch them ....
He'll clean them.
-Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
-Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
-Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
-Forbidden fruits create many jams.
-God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
-God grades on the cross, not the curve.
-God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
-God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
-He who angers you, controls you!
-If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!
-Prayer: Don't give God instructions .... just report for duty!
-The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
-The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
-We don't change the message, the message changes us.
-You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.
-The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
"Father, bless the person reading this in whatever it is that You know he or she may be needing this day!" In Jesus name, Amen
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Well kind folks, we have reached the end of page 10 of Jokes & Quotes. I hope you are enjoying your visit so far. A good local friend of mine has a wonderful flying machine. Normally he charges for transporting but since you are so kind and our guest of honor, he would like to transport you on to page 11 free of charge. If you prefer to make the trip yourself he has included a spot light to light the path for you. It gets mighty dark in between pages around here. The pilot of this fine craft is R2D2. Strange name? Not in this neck of the woods :)
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