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Today is December 23, 2001. We're going to start off with a funny fictional Christmas story which may be classified as a "Joke" sent in from a very dear long time e-mail friend :). There are quit a few Jokes & Quotes lined up for your enjoyment ( I hope you enjoy them ). So we better get with the program and get this show on the road!
~ 1 ~
Joke
~The Missing Baby Jesus!~
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the creche when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures.
He hurried outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant Jesus.
So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get your passenger, my fine friend?"
The little boy replied, "I got Him at church."
"And why did you take Him?"
The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told Him if He would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give Him a ride around the block in it."
~ 2 ~
Quote
Treat everyone with politeness, even those who are rude to you - not because they are nice, but because you are.
~Author Unknown~
~ 3 ~
Joke
~CHILDREN'S ANSWERS TO SCIENCE EXAM QUESTIONS~
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on
the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature
hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the
heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I,
O and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
~ 4 ~
Joke
~SCHOOL~
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write - and they won't let me talk!"
~ 5 ~
Quote
Education is when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you don't.
---Pete Seeger---
~ 6 ~
Joke
~Kid's Kitchen Vocabulary~
APPETIZING: Anything advertised on TV.
BOIL: The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic 'Yuck' before a food is even tasted.
CASSEROLE: Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together.
COOKIE (LAST ONE): Item that must be eaten in front of a sibling.
CRUST: Part of a sandwich saved for the starving children of China, India, Africa, or Europe.
DESSERTS: The reason for eating a meal.
FLOOR: Place for all food not found on lap or chair.
FORK: Eating utensil made obsolete by discovery of fingers.
FRIED FOODS: Gourmet Cooking.
KITCHEN: The only room not used when eating crumbly snacks.
THIRSTY: How your child feels after you've said your final 'good night.
SODA POP: Shake 'N Spray.
REFRIGERATOR: A very expensive and efficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art gallery.
NAPKIN: Any warm cloth object, such as shirt or pants.
MACARONI: Material for a collage.
~ 7 ~
Quote
No one is useless in this world
who lightens the burdens of another.
~ 8 ~
Fictional Story
Joke
My neighbor was telling me about her toddler Allison: "I took Allison to the doctor for her 2-year checkup. They had her do coordination tests, like stacking blocks, and they watch and see if they walk properly. The doctor said, "Allison, can you stand on one foot for me?" So Allison toddled over and stood on his foot!
~ 9 ~
Jokes 'N' Quotes
~CHRISTIAN BUMPER STICKERS~
We're too blessed to be depressed.
A clean conscience makes a soft pillow.
A family altar can alter a family.
A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
Are you wrinkled with burden? Come on into Church for a faith lift!
Be ye fishers of men. You catch them and He will clean them.
Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
Do your best and then sleep in peace. God is Awake.
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
Exercise daily. Walk with the Lord!
Fear knocked. Faith answered. No one was there.
For all you do, His blood's for you!
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
Give God what's right, not what's left!
Give Satan an inch and he'll be a ruler.
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
God doesn't want shares of your life; He wants controlling interest!
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts"!
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
Having truth decay? Brush up on your Bible!
He who angers you, controls you!
He who is good at making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
He who kneels before God can stand before anyone!
If God is your Co-pilot - Swap seats!
In the sentence of life the Devil may be a comma, but DO NOT let him be the PERIOD!
Kindness is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.
Man's way leads to a hopeless end! God's way leads to an endless hope!
Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity.
Never give the devil a ride! He will always want to drive!
Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it.
Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
"Pray" is a four letter word that you can say anywhere (except in a public school).
Prayer - Don't give God instructions - just report for duty!
The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
This Church is "Prayer Conditioned"!
To be almost saved is to be totally lost.
Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!
WARNING:
Exposure to the Son may prevent burning!
Watch your step carefully! Everyone else does!
We don't change the message, the message changes us.
We set the sail; God makes the wind.
When God ordains, He sustains.
Wisdom has two parts: 1) Having a lot to say. 2) Not saying it.
Worry is the darkroom in which "negatives" are developed.
You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.
~ 10 ~
Joke
~Growing Up~
A little girl was lying across her grandmother's lap and running her little fingers across her grandmother's neck, under her chin. Suddenly she sat up and asked, "Gramma, how come your skin doesn't fit?"
~*~ ~*~
Well kind folks, it seems we have come to the end of this page. I would like to introduce you to a local friend of mine, Ms. Peabody. She would like to lead you on to the next page. I'm not too sure though. As you can see she looses her sense of direction easily. If you prefer, you can click on to "NEXT" just under my guest book. You will be beamed over to the next page. I'll catch up with you over there. :)
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