Like the Morning Glory, we sometimes appear to shed tears for the disorders that we have within ourselves. My disorder is 'panic' and it is very real to me. I look at the lovely morning glory, which opens only in the morning with the dew dripping softly from its petals. I look at my panic disorder and realize that the tears I have shed are very real and pass in time as well. Below I will give an account of what Panic Disorder means to me, the feelings that come with it and how I control it.
Before being diagnosed with Panic Disorder, I was in a state of what was really happening to me. I would be at home, work, in a restaurant, airplane or driving the car. All of a sudden, I could feel mself being over come with something that I couldn't control. First it would start with being unable to breath, then as if something was controlling my brain; meaning my every function. Like hearing, moving, speaking, my limbs would start to freeze and I had no control over any of this.
Also having High Blood Pressure, the doctors attributed it to this and the medication. I was on many occassions, taken to the hospital with the staff and doctors believing I was having a stroke. I was kept overnight, given catscans, monitored for hours upon end. While I was in the hospital, I wanted whomever took me there to stay with me so I wouldn't be alone. There was always the feeling of being alone and no one there to get you back. {from where, I don't really know} This may sound strange to some, but to me, it was very real. After all the tests had been concluded, on these numerous occasions, I was always sent home with more pills to keep me calm. {Of these I would take 1 or 2 and then wouldn't take them as they only made me feel worse.}
Then, of course, there was always the fear of having another attack. Although I had to go to work, I was fine in the environment once I was there. If I had an attack there, it was believed to be a reaction of my medication and I was again, taken to hospital and demanded by my doctor to take days of work until my pressure was down. Of course, when I was in this state, the blood pressure would normally rise.
Everyone at work, my family and friends knew I was having a problem and they continusely came to my aid. They would stay with me, even into the night until I had brought myself back to reality. At this point, I felt like I was having seizures of some type and no one knew what to do.
One day, my daughter wanted to go for dinner after I was finished work. I was tired and didn't particularly want to go but told her I would anyway. I wasn't feeling all that great and by the time we reached the restaurant, I knew I was having an attack. By the time we had received our food, I told my daughter that we had to eat fast as I was having 'another one of those attacks'. All I could hear was the 'clinking' of silverware and 'muffled' voices around me. It was hard to get my food down as I felt like I was choking. My daughter knew what I was like and we quickly proceeded to leave the restaurant. I was in no shape to drive, and she wanted to but I was troubled by this as I told her that the only way I could concentrate was to have something to do to keep me busy. Boy! was I in for a shock. I had to stop for gas and I told her to keep talking to me so I would be ok. She did as I said but insisted she drive, I didn't let her but I should have done so as I may have calmed down some.
By the time we reached home, and I got from the car to the kitchen, it was if my body was entirely frozen. All I could do properly was see. This is what kept me sane, as I thought :) I asked my daughter to call my sister to come down quickly.....when my sister arrived, she knew immediately that I once again had to go to the hospital. I didn't want to go at all but she promised to stay with me until they found out what was wrong.
After reaching the hospital, as I had many times before, I was wrapped up in warm blankets and told to relax. My blood pressure was in another dimension and I was told the doctor would see me shortly. {This seemed like an eternity}. As I waited, they told me how to breath to stop my shaking and kept me wrapped continuesly in warm blankets....although I thought I was frozen stiff.
After 3 long years, I had finally gotten to see a doctor that diagnosed my Panic Disorder right away. He knew all the signs and saw where I was at that time and I wasn't even sure myself. I had never heard of Panic Disorder before but he spent much time explaining it to me and the ways I could help myself. It is attributed to a chemical imbalance in the body and strikes just about anyone. There is a lot of fear involved and the greatest fear is 'that of having another attack!' He perscribed me some medication, that he has kept me on for several years now and I have not the feeling of anxiety. Although I am not happy with taking the medication .....it far outweighs "the Panic Attack' itself. Besides the chemical imbalance, Panic Attacks are also triggered by excessive use of caffeine and nicotine. If I should not take the medication, I have the fear of another attack but I also know that these can be overcome by relaxation and not excessive worrying about this. Also, the breathing technique...long and slow....into a simple brown paper bag helps control the feelings as they come on. Use of all de-caffeinated drinks have helped me a great deal. One day, in the near future, I have promised myself that I will overcome this and with the help of loved ones and doing as the doctor tells me....I know I can do it!
