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Ask darklao Anything!
darklao has been a member since February 16th,
2000.
# Asked: 79 -- # Answered: 922
Average: 0.53 -- Average: 4.60
Rank: 93 -- Rank: 100
6.12.00 - Ask me anything, eh? Alright, I'm game. Do your worst. I swear to be as honest as possible, unless you ask something too invasive, under which circumstances I shall dodge the question by giving you my most interesting lie, marked as such.
Enguarde.
--darklao
heyteach on 6.12.00 - Do you think other people are "luckier at love" than you? (Saw your quote and your latest answer.)
I don't think people are luckier at love than I am. I do think a lot of people have fewer self-destructive tendencies that allow them to better succeed in relationships than me.
For instance:
a) I fall in "love" very easily, and not always
with the reality of the person or thing I am in "love" with. I see great
potential in a person to be spectacular, and love them deeply for it, often
in spite of the fact that their potential, while great, is never actualized.
Do I rush out and try to consumate this "love"? I used to. I have since
become cautious, not trusting my initial thoughts and feelings, because
it leads to less pain caused for myself and others.
b) I have a very hard time trusting people. And when I don't trust them, I close down communication. So, theoretical situation: My girlfriend does something that hurts my feelings. Rather than open up and talk to her about it, I close off communication (but subtly--so that the real or imagined offense will never come to her attention. I do not even act angry. I express my dissatisfaction by handing her an emotional zero). Why? I wish I knew. Fear of closeness, fear of rejection? I recognize that it is amazingly unfair to her, and I am working on it, but it's a slow growth.
c) I have not yet rooted out the wonderful lie that I have a soulmate, who is perfect for me in every way, and as a result, I tend to keep my distance and make no promises. Do I drool over everything that moves? Of course not. But this adds a general emotional distance between me and the person I have a relationship with.
d) I had two wonderful chances at having a wonderful person to be with for the rest of my life. Both chances were ruined by me, and I deeply regret it. Further, I am unwilling to pick up and move on, in my head. In my life, these two women are far away in space and time, and I do not really work or hope for another shot, but they occupy a lot of my mental landscape. Point being, anyone I am with generally gets only so close, and then finds a door with a sign on it: Occupied. Unfair? Absolutely. But they were wonderful women and I won't be able to give them up until I want to give them up.
To sum up: I am not less lucky in love. I have made mistakes that taught me the wrong lesson (one of fear rather than hope), and have allowed certain character flaws to develop in myself (being generally uncommunicative, untrusting) that together, tips the romantic odds against me.
cyndy10 on 6.12.00 - Where did you get your name "darklao" ...what is the significence to you?
Well, I spent a couple minute's looking for jmkm's old "What does your KnowPost name mean to you?" question, which I answer in my typical overlong fashion, but couldn't find it, so in brief:
Lao has been a kind of alternate chosen name of mine for years, probably dating back to the time I was in my early teens and dove into religious exploration. The name came about for the reason extra names usually do: a different context (like KnowPost, for instance), where you are allowed to choose your own name. For me, the specific context was video games. Lao was perfect because it was under four characters and referenced a key figure in one of my favorite brands of religion (Lao Tzu, I needn't mention but do, is the possibly mythical author of the Tao-Te-Ching, a prominent Taoist work).
Darklao was also first originated because of a video game. As time passed, video games allowed the use of more than four characters, and as there came to be more characters you could name. I do have a stock of common other handles (including Slothrop, Geli, Grendel, Lilu, etc...), but Final Fantasy 7 depleted my stock. So I was forced to come up with something new. Why couldn't I just accept the default name? Not sure. I absolutely love the act of renaming those characters. I couldn't stand to leave well enough alone. I spent quite some time failing to come up with anything, until I settled on DarkLao. Why? The character was some sort of vampire/werewolf something or other, and had a bad attitude. Thus, Dark.
Later, as I expanded into the net, I found that my favorite alternative name, Lao, was almost always taken already. Yes, I could use one of the other names, but the name Lao has been mine so long that it has a history, an emotional content--it has become infused with meaning, and is as dear (and possibly more dear, because I chose it) as my given name. My options? Lao88. Or perhaps Lao_Tzu_37. Possibly Lao_710? No. Not a big fan of the numbered name.
So I dredged up the store of names, and out fell DarkLao. Close enough to Lao, but uncommon enough to work every time. So after I while I stopped even trying Lao for use on the net--simply switching to DarkLao, or, (lazy me) darklao.
colldoll on 6.12.00 - I have been lucky enough to get to know you a little, I know you have a wonderful sense of humor, and admire that. I would like to know if you consider yourself a contented person, my guess is that you would rather have inward contentedness more than fleeting moments of ecstatic happiness, am I right about that, and to what do you attribute this contentment, if in fact, you have it?
I am often content, and it's true that I would rather have this contentment than those wild moments of ecstasy. I suppose it may be because contentment, a kind of peace with yourself and the world, has been hard for me to come by, but those wild moments of ecstasy have historically been fairly easy to create. Also, I'd rather have the contentment because those wild moments of ecstasy, it seems to me, are invariably followed by a kind of "coming down" to normal reality.
To what do I attribute it? Tough question. I'll try to sidle up to it. Today, my girlfriend made a list of things she had to do. She wanted to get a number of things done, and assigned them all times to be done in. Of course it didn't work. This agitated her. At one point, she couldn't find her check-book, and I could tell she was getting annoyed with me for not getting up to help look for it. So I got up, and started looking around, if only to demonstrate that I did care that she was agitated. She shortly found her checkbook in her purse, and apologized that I had to get out of my chair. I laughed, and told her to quit worrying about it.
Why the story? Well, it demonstrates some habits of mine that contribute to my contentment. First, I don't make a lot of plans. If things need to be done, I do them until they don't need to be done anymore. If they don't get done, I don't worry about it--there's plenty of time.
Second, I couldn't care less that she couldn't find her check-book. I would never think of suggesting that she solve the problem by doing thus or so to avoid losing it. I care that she was agitated. She could lose her checkbook every day, and I would think nothing of it. And every day I would only get up to help if she started to get agitated. I care about her--not the checkbook, or the fact that she loses it. I care, without needing to control or change the situation. Unfortunately, sometimes people mistake this for not-caring-at-all, but its really very different.
Third, I thought it absurd that she should apologize for my having to get up. Yes, she wanted me to get up. Yes, she needed me to show that I care about her by getting up, but I wouldn't have gotten up if it wasn't my choice. Once on the back of a letter I got from a friend who addressed it upside down, I saw he had written "I did it on purpose." That statement has stayed with me for years and has come to mean something very important. It illustrates how much power is in my hands. I would never resent her for wanting me to help find the checkbook. Why? Because I did it on purpose.
Finally, one more story: This summer I quit my job. It's a job I've had in summers past, moving furniture and doing odd jobs on the campus I work for. I did not quit because I hated the work. I didn't quit because I wrecked that truck (heh), or even because I didn't like the work. I quit because I wasn't able to do the same work that everyone else was doing. I quit because I didn't want to be paid for doing less work. The point? I quit because I wanted to have a clear conscience. And these days, I always do my best to keep my conscience clear (lord know I have enough history to feel guilty about). When I work, I work hard. If I can't work, I don't want to be paid. I never put myself in a position to have to lie. You might be surprised how stress-free your life becomes when you follow the dictates of your conscience, rather than exerting energy to cover up for your actions.
So, where does the contentment come from? I suspect it has to do with understanding: that there's plenty of time, that I care about things deeply without having to feel responsible for them, that I do what I do on purpose--that I am not coerced, compelled, or controlled, and that it is less work to believe in the good and do it than it is to believe in the good and constantly try to bridge the gap between your faith and your action.
The short version: Calm down, be patient, do good, take responsibility only for what you do, and don't worry about what they're doing.
Of course, this may all be a way to justify my laziness and lack of ambition. But, on the other hand, I can wreck a truck, quit my job, drill my thumb, and lose sleep to an attention-starved cat without being particularly agitated. You make the call.
artemis on 6.12.00 - You are wise beyond your years. What do you suspect you were/did in past lives?
Past life? Honestly, I couldn't say. I have never spontaneously regressed (that I am aware of) or regressed through hypnosis. I do have a lot of dreams about being a spy, running through labrynthine structures, but that probably has more to do with an addiction to video games than memories from beyond this life.
If I had to venture a guess, I would have to guess that I was a human, since it is said that only in human lifetimes is spiritual advancement possible--the rest is just burning off bad karma. Do I believe this? Not necessarily. Only on Wednesdays. And the jury's still out.
A friend of mine once told me that I was Chinese in a past life (and was the lover of a woman that I used to know in this one (who also, I suppose, was Chinese at the time). I believe this because it delights me.
Honestly, if I have wisdom beyond my years, I would have to chalk it up to being over-sensitive, over-thoughtful, and having the (mis?)fortune to have had traumatic experiences that carved truth bone-deep. Then again, perhaps if I have so much wisdom, it is only because I have made so many mistakes.
brigit on 6.12.00
i have three gifts for you.
the first is a malachite pyramid.
the second is a rose, dying because i have
picked it.
what is the third?
(Unfortunately I don't see an answer to this)
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