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If your know the Bible- even a little- you'll find this hilarious! This
comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments.
The following statements about the Bible were written by the children. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Deliah.
Samson slayed the Phillistines with the axe of the Aposties.
Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a hebrew king skilled at playing a liar. he fought the
Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys form the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
The episties were the wives of the aposties.
One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said "I am a Father".
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that".
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest getting impatient said "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly...but on leaving the bus he leaned over and said: "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar".
9999999999999999999999999999999
Got this in my email:
New billboards are getting attention in Arizona. Some reported seeing one or two messages, but the newspaper listed all of them. Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included. These are awesome... enjoy.
Tell the kids I love them.
-God
Let's meet at my house Sunday
before the game.
-God
C'mon over and bring the kids.
-God
What part of "Thou Shalt Not..."
didn't you understand?
-God
We need to talk.
-God
Keep using my name in vain,
I'll make rush hour longer.
-God
Loved the wedding,
invite me to the marriage.
-God
That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing...
I meant it.
-God
I love you and you
and you and you and...
-God
Will the road you're on
get you to my place?
-God
Follow me.
-God
Big bang theory,
you've got to be kidding.
-God
My way is the highway.
-God
Need directions?
-God
You think it's hot here?
-God
Have you read my #1 best seller?
There will be a test.
-God
Do you have any idea where you're going?
-God
(And my personal favorite...)
Don't make me come down there.
-God
++++++++++++++++++++++
An Irish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years they asked her to come home for a visit, as her father was getting frail and elderly.
She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing furs and diamonds. As she walked into the house her father said, "Hmmm - they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London."
The girl took his hands and said "Dad -I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute."
Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called.
As the priest began to administer Extreme Unction, with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly "I'm a goner -- killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you've become!"
"Please forgive me", his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute."
Brushing the priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in bed, smiling. "Did you say prostitute?,,,,, I thought you said PROTESTANT!!
==================
The new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
~~ ~~~~
He took out a card, wrote "Revelation 3:20"onthe back and stuck it in the door.
~ ~~~~ ~~~
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
~~~~~ ~~ ~~
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
~~ ~~ ~ ~ ~
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
~~ ~~ ~~~
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
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