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Again, they all answered, "NO!"
"Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
This applies to most every Christian Religion
THE CATHOLIC DICTIONARY: (enjoy whether or not you are a Catholic)
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at a service, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW.: 1. A medieval torture device still found in Christian Churches. 2.The word spoken when Incense is used.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom.
The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children.
The teacher asked a little boy:
TEACHER: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the
sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the
sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't
there. He doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time).
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in
school, she must not have one!
"FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT" ( 2 Corinthians 5:7)
So if you believe that there is a GOD, send this to all you
know!
A young preacher arrived in a small town to give a sermon. He needed to mail a letter, so when he saw Little Johnny he asked the young boy where the post office was. When Johnny told him, the Preacher thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."
"I don't think I'll be there," Little Johnny said. "You don't even know your way to the post office."
Signs in front of churches
The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.
Under same management for over 2000 years!
Soul food served here.
Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!
Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church.
Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
Life has many choices. Eternity has two. What's yours?
Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.
Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!
Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible.
It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees.
What part of "Thou Shall Not" don't you understand?
A clear conscience makes a soft pillow.
The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday.
Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive.
Can't Sleep? Try counting your blessings.
Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
Christians, keep the faith...but not from others!
Satan subtracts and divides. God multiplies and multiplies.
To belittle is to be little.
Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you.
God answers knee-mail.
Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back.
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