Frequently,
we are reminded how difficult special days are when you've lost a loved
one. Father's Day is especially though if you've lost one or more
children. This issue of Footprints Ministry Newsletter is dedicated
to those of us who will soon face the "Holidays(?)" without a son or daughter.
Our hope is that something in this issue will bring some comfort to each
of our readers.
"HAPPY
FATHER'S DAY"
by Dinah Taylor,
in Lamentations,
June1993
reprinted
with permission
FATHER is a
title of honor given to men who establish anything important in human affairs.
When young Jim was a small boy I cross-stictched a saying for Taylor for
Father's Day. It read:
Anyone can
be a Father,
but it takes
someone special to be a DAD
What a wonderful
statement! We must understand that fathers grieve differently from
mothers. Many times, because the father is not as demonstatvie with
his grief as the mother, the father is ignored, or at best, receives minimal
attention and support. Isn't it the man's "job" to protect and correct?
He has probably never been :allowed" to demonstrate his true feelings and
emotions.
The father
is suppose to be strong, composed and emotionally controlled, even when
there is a death; a "Superman." Why does this job fall on his shoulders?
Society has "done" this to him and we tend to reinforce it. By doing
this, we prevent or inhibit a father from resolving his grief. When
will this stereotype end? Only when we make an effort to understand
what he is really feeling, will we be able to share one another's grief.
The greatest
thing a man can do for himself during this time is to let go of the control
he is trying to have. He must take care of himself and deal with
his own feelings and grief before he can help anyone else. He cannot
"fix" this loss and has to experience his own pain, and not try to remove
or ignore it. Since men aren't "allowed" to cry, they usually release
their grief through anger. This is one of the stages of grief, but
don't permit yourself to stay in that stage, work through your anger.
Don't be carrying a "TIME BOMB" that may go off at any time. "DIFUSE
IT!
Woman talk
easily with others and we share our grief. Men, you seldom allow
yourselves that luxury. You may be fearful of what others may think
if they see you cry. There is nothing more loving than to see a man
cry when talking about his loved one. This is the truest sign that
a man is a man. He permits others to see his emotions and his love
and loss.
Because men
and woman deal with grief so differently, the loss of a child places great
stress on our marriage. You would think that this loss would bring
us closer together, and it does in some ways, but in others it seperates
us. Because the child we have lost means different things to each
of us, we can't understand the other's reactions. You must also understand
that the two of you will not go through the stages of grief in the same
time span or in the same manner. Have you noticed that on the days
you are really "down" you spouse may be "up"? I think that we sense
each other's needs and do our best to meet these needs...
Share your
thoughts of your child, share you own thoughts and emotions (including
anger, guilt, shame) but especailly share your fears. We need to
hear ourselves express our emotions, and by doing this, we are beginning
to free ourselves from the darkness of grief.
FATHER'S
DAY SUGGESTIONS
Borrowed from
Dinah Taylor & Catherine Sanders
Go fishing
or take walks etc. This allows time to eliminate distractions
Don't take
on any new responsibilities; maybe give up some
Allow yourself
to cry. This is a most healthy response because it not only lets
out store-up tensions, but it releases toxins from your body
Talk with other
bereaved fathers and focus on your feelings ~ not on how to help
your wife.
Deal with your
natural anger by venting on things not people
Talk to your
wife about your feelings
Accept the
fact that men frieve differently from woman
Read about
grief, the feelings & responses that you can expect to occur
Do something
positive in memory of your child or loved one
*make a donation
in their honor*
*build a garden
in their honor*
*donate blood
on their birthday or death date*
*work with
a charity that honors their memory, for example, if they died of cancer,
work with hospice or children's cancer center*
*build a frame
for their 8 1/2 x 11 picture*
*Adopt a street
to clean in their honor (clean it too!)*
*Support a
little league team with equipment*
*Talk to teens,
for example, on the dangers of drinking*
*buy an engraved
brick in their memory*
*write a poem
or story in their honor*
Join a men's
bereavement group (Contact jcmoffitt@jcmoffitt.com)
~MOTHER'S
DAY~
NEWSLETTER
~ MAY/JUNE 2002
|
~THANKSGIVING~
NEWSLETTER
~ NOV/DEC 2002
|
