Traditionally,
Thanksgiving is the biggest family holiday of the year. More people
travel home for the Thanksgiving holiday than any other time. Phone
lines will be tied up, and millions of cards will be sent. Old feelings
of hurt are often pushed aside so that there can be a feeling of warmth
and peace as families share a time of thankful remembrances gathered around
a table.
When a child
dies, whether the death occurred early in a pregnancy or as an adult, the
entire tone of the first Thanksgiving holiday without this precious child
changes. Instead of being a time of joyful gathering together, there
is a time of very real reminders that someone is now missing. The
circle no longer feels complete. The table has an almost hollow feeling
of emptiness. There are sad echoes throughout the home instead of
only the sounds of happy laughter that once was descriptive of this fun
time together as a family.
Facing the
first Thanksgiving without your child can be the most difficult grief work
you will ever do. Your heart has already been broken, and now you
will have constant, painful reminders that someone from your family is
missing ~ you no longer feel complete. This empty spot once occupied
by your child causes a sense of pain similar to a throbbing headache.
Nothing seems to relieve the pain, and you are left feeling like you just
don't know what to do.
Talk about
your child! Don't try to pretend that all is well, and that this
is like any other Thanksgiving you've celebrated in the past. By
pretending, you only push aside emotions that must be dealt with at some
time. Include your child's name in the Thanksgiving blessing offered
at dinner. This will break the ice and let others know that you want
your child included in this most important family day.
Bring a picture
of your child to the family gathering, and share that with others when
family-sharing time takes place. Maybe all you have is an ultrasound
picture. If your heart feels moved to share that picture with others,
then do so! Help make your child part of the family tradition.
Some parents
have found it healing to set a place at the table in memory of their child.
Many parents place a candle at the table, and once a blessing for the food
has been offered, the candle is lit and there is comfort in knowing that
their child has been included in the tadition of the day.
Read a poem
or a brief letter written in memory of your child. Parents find that
there is often great comfort found in having a brief reading about their
child. It is somewhat symbolic of helping to make the family circle
feel complete. It is most important to validate your child.
Don't apologize
for tears. Your tears are an outward shedding of some of the pain
held within the depths of your heart. You do not ever need to apologize
for missing your child.
By including
your child in some way on Thanksgiving Day, you will feel a small bit of
healing in this most difficult journey we call grief. By acknowledging
your child, you will also validate your child and the grief that you still
feel over the loss of your precious child.
There is great
healing in saying "I love and miss my child!" This one step marks
the beginning of finding your joy in living once again.
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~SILENT
GRIEF~
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