We would like to focus this issue on that horrible "First Year of Grief." We have several new parents who are in their agonizing first year. We asked some of our on-line parents, ‘veterans’, to share what helped them get through and what didn't. These ‘veterans’ shared abundantly and it’s a shame that we have to pare down what they’ve shared. Two of the testimonies you are about to read are from parents still in their first year: Maria Gilmore & Ellen Tetreault. Each loss is unique. Our hope is that not only will some of the ideas shared here help each of us, but will also encourage us to reach out to others just starting that First Year!

Testimony of Geraldine "Jerry" Mudge

Losing my only two sons (Leon Jr. & Wayne Jonas) together at one time in a car crash almost killed me. I was in shock for 10 months and could not cry a lot in front of people, including my family. They assumed that because I am a Christian I was really handling it well. I felt really alone; no one could understand my grief – not even my husband.

The church I had attended for over thirty years, with people that had known me for years, I thought didn’t try or couldn’t comfort me. I felt like I had a disease called GRIEF and they were afraid they might catch it. The devil was really pulling my spirits down when he put in my mind that people didn’t really care if I lived or died. Someone once wrote: "We all need to know that someone cares. There is that inconsolable something within us that cries out for assurance that we do not stand alone in our hour of trouble.’

At times I thought I was going crazy. I didn’t want to kill myself but I wanted to die so I could hold my sons again. I was losing the will to keep living, even though I still loved the Lord. I felt like a modern day Job; I felt most of my friends had deserted me.

On June 29, 1991, I was at my lowest point and asked God to give me cancer, allow me to die and join my sons. Instead He allowed a light to shine through. My pastor called me at my gift shop and all the anger I had held back for months poured out. I really ‘let him have it.’ He was leaving for vacation in minutes & just wanted to check up on me before he left, yet I exploded all over him. While talking, I asked him how another member was doing; she had lost her husband a few years earlier & was now trying to kill herself – she was in really bad shape.

After he hung up, I immediately called the lady. Someone picked up the phone and then hung up without saying anything. I felt since God had brought her to my mind I needed to check on her and try to give her a reason to live (even though I still wanted to die).

While I was on my way to see her, I seemed to hear my son Wayne’s voice saying, "You can’t come now Mom; you have work to do." God seemed to be speaking to me through my son’s voice so I wouldn’t be afraid to listen. It was then I realized what both my church friend and I needed: someone to listen & care. I felt as if God were telling me that He wanted me to help people like my church family and others by showing them ways they can help those of us ‘buried in grief.’ It dawned on me that they just didn’t know what to say or do.

That day, God opened my eyes: people really do care, but it’s up to us to show them how to do it! When I began to want to help others in grief, I began to heal. That’s how Footprints Ministry was born!

Remember Job in the Bible. When Job began to pray for his friends, who were all saying the wrong things, God began healing him. (Job 42:10). The verses on which our ministry is based are 2nd Corinthians 1: 3-4: Praise to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the father of all compassion and the God of all comfort. Who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."
 
 

 

Testimony of Lucille Blackburn
(Dale Blackburn died of viral pneumonia at age 26)
(E-mail: lucille_blackburn@msn.com)

"What helped me most the first year after my son Dale died, was to force myself to be alone when his birthday came and to look at all his baby pictures and of him growing up. I also felt I needed to write him a letter which I still have but it just felt better writing it. It’s been 9 years now and it hurts less and less but of course the pain will never totally go away.’

 

Testimony of Maria Witte
(E-mail: maria_witte@hotmail.com)

"My husband Chris and I lost our first child, our infant daughter Hope, at almost 20 weeks gestation due to a neural tube defect called anencephaly in which her brain failed to develop. She was stillborn on September 18, 1997. I really felt the need to avoid social situations especially where I knew there would be babies or pregnant women. I guess I needed people to understand that and be sensitive to that (and not think I was crazy) and that I didn’t feel like going out to have a fun time for a good while….Some people seemed to want to talk about what we were going through to everyone BUT US. It hurts bereaved parents so much when they hear how ‘concerned’ everyone is, yet they completely avoid you!…The things that helped us when our baby died were the small remembrance gifts people gave in her memory on her birthday and Christmas or just because… I also appreciated when people asked about her and even the details of her death. I still appreciate this almost 4 ½ years later. Relatives gave us a surprise remembrance stone with her name & the saying Love is Eternal one Christmas…I would really tell bereaved parents not to feel guilty for needing life & traditions to change because we have all changed so much forever! People might want to judge you or want you to "get back to being the same old you", but  your dealing with your horrible sadness and grief is your most important thing in those early weeks and months and years."

 

Testimony of Lisa Klingseisen
(Tyler was age 6 when he died in a car accident)
(E-mail: LisaAnn2U@aol.com)

"What helped me at first was not being alone; always having people around. Then when I needed to be alone, having someone I could always count on when I needed to. What didn’t help is how my family were afraid to bring up his name because it would make me cry. That still drives me nuts to this day.

What helped, is finding wonderful people like you on-line that I could talk to about my feelings. Because you had been there and walked in my shoes. What didn’t help is seeing a counselor who did know, but couldn’t feel what I did. What helped is that I still memorialize Tyler; he has a playground in his name. …What helped is me talking to him and not being afraid to do it. What helped is knowing he is with God and in a WONDERFUL PLACE and someday I know I will be with him. What helped is HAVING MY FAITH! 2/14/02 will be Tyler’s Third Year Anniversary."
 
 

 

~My First Year – But Which One?~
By: Paul D. McCutcheon

"September 13th, 1978 was only the beginning of my first year to face the awful journey of grief and little did I know that November 19th, 1996 would send me on another ‘first year’ journey.

Darren, age 7, and Paul, age 4, died in a flash flood that hit our little town in Arkansas. They were swept into a flooded creek and drowned. My wife at that time and my beautiful daughter barely escaped the same tragic fate.

To say the first year is the hardest is not entirely true, for many parents who have faced grief know that the full reality of what has taken place comes in the second year. Even so, if one can find a way to travel the grief journey through the first year then they have a better chance of getting through the second a little easier.

My faith was tried much that first year since I had just surrendered to God’s ministry just 10 days before the flood took my boys. Through these trials I became stronger by focusing my sight on Jesus Christ and allowing Him to guide every step of my journey. Though I struggled and often fell, He was always there to pick me up and dust me off; telling to continue no matter how difficult it seemed.

I had been a softball coach for teen girls in my community and on several occasions became counselor to them as well…There were times they would call me at home in the wee hours of the morning needing advice and I believe that was one of the key things God sent me to help me through that first year…I realized that through helping others, God was helping me.

I firmly believe that if a parent facing the first year can find a way to put "self" aside, even for a very short time, and help others in need they will start to grow stronger in their ability to cope with their own grief.

Little did I know that my first year of grief would find me again, taking me into a second "first year." On November 19th, 1996 my oldest son, Kevin, passed away from a brain aneurysm at the age of 30. He left behind a wife and two children that thought he ‘hung the moon.’ Thus my ‘first year’ started once again….

There are many things a person a person can do to help learn to cope that  first year and that first step is to realize they are not alone. Help can be found through joining hearts of others who have been there and are forever traveling the grief journey. Don’t turn down offers of friendship and guidance no matter how bad you grieve. Accept a helping hand for it is much tougher going it alone…

Getting involved with a church in some way, even if it seems only in a small way can help tremendously. God has a way of sending help when help is not looked for and when you least expect it – so being where others are that love the Lord will allow God to open doors to you that you never knew were there.

(Paul McCutcheon is one of the most gifted poets we know & his many poems actually rhyme. Paul has one of the most extensive on-line prayer ministries in America. You may reach him at: mcc@up-link.net)

Incidently, Footprints Ministry, Inc. has an on-line prayer ministry for bereaved families. If you need prayer or would like to be part of the prayer team, contact us at: smudge0410@aol.com  or write us at 13611 Merton Woods Lane, Charlotte NC 28273. We can also put these in the Footprints Ministry Newsletter.
 
 

 

~Testimony of Alice Wisler~

"It has taken me this long (Feb. 2 will be five years since Daniel died) to realize that my anger and frustration with God over Daniel’s death was because the way in which my son died…We prayed, prayed and prayed some more for my four-year-old son Daniel’s health. People all over the world were praying for Daniel. He had finished his eight months of chemo, radiation and surgeries…But an infection (staph) entered his body. People prayed and believed. Daniel still died.

When people threw "Trust God" and "God will comfort you in all your sorrow" at us, I felt like they were literally throwing wet towels at us… Also, the church we were active in was not able to handle our grief and we had to search for another church just months after Daniel died…The first year I refused to pray for anything because I did not think asking for anything and then having it answered would be something I could accept. I had prayed with every fiber of my being for something valuable – Daniel’s life – and when Daniel died, I felt God had turned His back on me…

I do pray these days but my relationship with God is changed. For I cannot lose sight of the reality I live with each day – despite prayer, even the prayers of children and godly men and women, children die. I have had to wrestle as Jacob in the Bible. My character is one that does fight and challenge and question. But God is still with me. And I am still with God."

(Alice Wisler publishes a free e-mail newsletter for bereaved parents, which is available by writing: tributes@yahoogroups.com)

 

~Testimony of Deb Kullik~
(Jennifer was 17 years old when killed in a car accident)
(E-mail: leprechaun@racc2000.com)

"I think what helped me most during that first year was the little "inspirational" books I bought…they were not in depth, but just little blips to read. I think knowing that you were not the only one this happened to, and being surprised at the number of other parents that had lost children. The other thing, I remember doing what I wanted to do, and dealing with things the way I wanted to. Pick some close friends that you can relate to. I think the most devastating thing that happened to me was that my Administrator called me into his office about 7 months after Jennifer died, and told me to "get over it" and I should be adjusting better than I was. I was horrified, and he threw me deeper into my depression, which in turn increased my usage of "crutch" drugs to get me through. Just know that it will get "better"…not perfect, but "better."

 

~Testimony of Maria Gilmore~
(Alyssa fell out of a window; age 12 years old)
(In first year now; E-mail: strawberi28134@yahoo.com)

"It has been a rough year but I made it with GOD helping me every day. It has really only hit me in the last 4 months that my daughter is gone, and boy did it hit hard…I have come to realize that I will never reach that final step of acceptance…my daughter is gone and I cannot and will not accept it.

I will live, I will go on. She would want this for me…I am 31 years old and have spent most of my life being a mother. I defined myself this way. I am not worried about Alyssa (Ali), she is so happy now. I have to get used to not being a mother, this is the painful part of grieving, realizing that you are no longer who you once were. If you have other children, maybe you can cope or better if you are married, you can lean on each other, BUT it was just Ali & me…With GOD behind me I will go on…I will celebrate this life and try to give it meaning, but I do miss my old life and my little girl."
 
 

 

~Testimony of Carol Ranney~
(Calvin died of heart failure at 18 years old)

"The thing that helped me most was journaling. Several days after Calvin died, I sat down and wrote (on the computer) in excruciating detail what had happened … Writing it all out was very helpful – how I felt, how my other children were reacting, dreams I had, every little detail of those first days I recorded…It also helped to record what we did and how we made it through all those ‘firsts.’

I made up my mind that I would Journal every single day for a year, and I did that. ..Now that journal is very special to me, reading over it now (five+ years later) brings back some bittersweet memories. I’m glad I have it.

On those special ‘firsts’ that are so painful, it seems like the anticipation of the day is a lot worse than the day itself. I would always (and often still do) make a plan for the day, especially Calvin’s birthday. Usually what I do is write other bereaved parents…I feel good seeing the date on there and knowing I am doing it because of him, that because of his loss I can help someone else."

Carol Ranney publishes a monthly newsletter magazine for bereaved parents, called: `Broken Hearts, Living Hope"  If you would like a sample, contact her at: ranneyclan@juno.com  or 11040 SW Gaarde St. #8, Tigard, OR 97224.
 
 

 

~Testimony of Ellen Tetreault~
(In first year of grief; E-mail: toyboxesetc@earthlink.net)

It hasn’t been quite a year since we lost our son, Logan S. Tetreault. He was born on December 15, 2000 and went to be with Jesus on May 7, 2001. It is still tough for our family, even now as I write this the tears start to fall. Our sweet little boy was born with a birth defect that we didn’t think much of; we just thought that he would have the necessary surgery and then go home. Unfortunately that didn’t happen.

Since Logan was never able to come home, it was like our grief process started when we had to leave him in the hospital…When we knew that he wasn’t going to get better, we had the ultimate decision to make: do we let him die alone or do we shut off the machines now and be with him when he leaves this world? We choose to do the latter….

At first I thought I was going to go crazy; everyone deals with grief in a different way and there are no instruction books on how to deal with it. I think the hardest part was that after the memorial service no one wanted to hear about him or how we were coping.

For me, finding a support group was a lifesaver…Talking to other parents that have gone through a similar experience is very helpful…Our children were also able to participate in grief counseling through our local hospice."
 
 

 

~Testimony of Jeannine Baker~
(Max Baker Jr. died of cancer at 26 years old)
(E-mail: jeanninet@twave.net)

What did help: Support group. Talking about our grief to anyone who would listen. Reading my Bible daily so I could feel closer to God and His love. Volunteering to help others and donating in memory of our son, Max. Changing to new traditions and locations for Holidays. And most of all TIME, as we worked through our loss we became more able to accept what was probably meant to be for whatever reason we will not know til we meet our Heavenly Father and He explains. As husband and wife, we tried to listen to each other and accept our different ways of grieving; my husband was very willing to talk and go to support meetings…the FamilyLife Conference we attended helped immensely. We came out of there with a new respect for each other.

What did not help: Other people who tried to make light of our loss and still do. This even from close relatives which made us withdraw even more.Close friends talking about their children’s accomplishments, marriages, births etc. as though this would make us feel better…I hope this helps in helping others who lost their child. I don’t believe any other loss can be as devastating."
 
 

 

~Testimony of a Young Couple Who had a Miscarriage~

"On grieving the miscarriage we had – I will say that if you put the GRIEVING off, hurt, pain and anger will reside inside to manifest the ugly part of anger that hurts yourself more, and your family that is effected. And at the same time, we as individuals have to deal with such losses in our own time. God waits for us, to be there to help us!…I am continually allowing God to heal me (after waiting a year) of the loss of our baby, and that He has something else in store for us about children. I carry a PEACE with the loss.

"My husband ran into my place of work, exclaiming "Isaac is dead." I started crying and said, "How do you know for sure?" My husband cried, "He shot himself and I found him!" My heart broke. I’ll never forget those terrible moments. My nineteen year old son, had died from a 7 year battle with severe depression and undiagnosed bipolar disorder. Isaac had completed suicide. His pain and anguish were over, but mine was just beginning.

The first year of my grief was devastating. Everything in my life changed. Although friends were so helpful during the funeral time, I didn’t see or talk to anyone. They went back too their lives and I went on with my anguished crying and desperate loneliness. I tried to work again as a Pre-school teacher, but I was so depressed and couldn’t stop crying. Going shopping or anywhere required much more energy than I could muster up. Instead, I would lay in bed and blame myself for Isaac’s death and torment myself with those awful dead-end questions---"Why & What If?" I felt things never could get better. I had no way out of this unbearable pain. I wanted to hug my only child, Isaac…

There were some definite things that moved me along. I talked to other bereaved parents that had gone through similar circumstances. I started receiving grief support newsletters-that gave me a touch of hope. I have a few people that are extremely supportive and, most important, will listen to me. And I prayed for strength to survive. Now 3-4 years later, I’ve started to understand that I will always miss my precious son. Nothing will ever be the same, but I’ll enjoy the memories of the little time we had together.
 
 

 

~Testimony of Dinah Taylor~
(E-mail: dinah@cumberlandcollege.edu)

"May 20, 1991 changed our lives forever. It was our son’s Honors Night. It was the day before he would graduate from high school…Instead, that date became the re-birth date of our 18-year old son into eternal life. Our son was on a mission of love when he had his automobile accident…He was driving approximately 25 miles per hour on a rain-slicked road when the right wheels of his auto slipped from the pavement.

When we didn’t receive encouragement, or even a visit from our minister, I realized that if we, in a town where everyone knows us [Note: Dinah’s husband is President of Cumberland College in Williamsburg KY], were not receiving the hugs, love and attention we needed in surviving our grief, what was happening to everyone else? After Jim’s untimely death, I began to realize that I was not alone. There were so many other parents who had lost their precious children due to illness, accidents, murders or suicide, and it made me wonder if they felt as alone and isolated as I. As I corresponded with others, a newsletter developed, as the legendary phoenix, out of the "ashes’ of my grief. It is entitled LAMENTATIONS.... David wrote in Psalm 56:8 Record my lament, list my tears on your scroll—are they not in your record? This is one of the reasons I encourage you to write about your loved ones and share them with others, so your loved ones will be in other people’s records also…

Immediately after Young Jim’s death, I was plunged into darkness. After reading so many books on grief, I realized I had to plunge head-on into my grief, to envelop it, and to accept its unknown darkness.

At times I am very angry with God, but I realize that He is great enough to endure my anger and merciful enough to understand and accept. Anger is just another mechanism we use to try to avoid the pain of grief. We blame God for so many of the things we cannot explain or accept. Death is one of these. I do not believe that God caused Jim’s accident. I believe that He cries along with us…We discover that we have to go on living, even though we don’t want to at times…God’s grace cannot change what has happened, but His grace can bring good out of a horrendous situation.

Memories have now become so important to each of us because they connect us with our loved ones…It takes quite a while for our memories to become joyful rather than just another reminder of our loved one’s absence. Even though my tears still come frequently and unexpectedly, a smile is always underneath my tears when I think of Jim.

Our loss makes us take inventory of our lives, whether we want to or not… We cannot change our loss, but we can allow that loss to change us…I now take more time to ‘smell the roses’ and do not postpone activities I really want to do.

What helped me most during that first year of survival was reading about grief and talking with other parents who had lost children. In reading, I that all the ‘crazy’ thoughts and actions that I found myself thinking  and doing were NORMAL! What a relief…It was very helpful to write a journal…Years later when I found that I was not ‘getting any better’, I would go back and read those first journals and found that I had come a great distance in my grief work.

Since 1993, I have had a picnic, J.I.M.s Picnic (Joining in Memory). It is held on the Cumberland College Campus and it is for all of us who have lost children. Parents bring their pictures and their memories… Each of you are invited to this year’s picnic, May 31st-June 1st. For further information you may write to me at: 804 Main St., Williamsburg, KY 40769.

In closing, no matter what, remember your strength lies in your ability to decide how you will respond to any given situation. Your natural response to grief is the right response for you.
 
 

~MY SONS ARE GONE~

~PAUL & JAMES BORCHARD~

~PERSONAL STORIES~ PAGE INDEX