1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually
you'll get what you want.

2. Don't go out without an ID.

3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how
you feel by piddling on their shoes.

4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when
to use it.

5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.

6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose
in the crotch is very effective.

7. When you do something wrong, always take
responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from
under the bed).

8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack.
One afternoon he noticed an unusual site.
Right before the first race, a Catholic Priest
visited one of the horses in the stable area
and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the
horse race very carefully, and, sure enough,
the blessed horse came in first!

Charlie followed the Priest before the next race.
Again, the Priest went to the stables and blessed
another horse.  Charlie quickly put two dollars
on that horse and won close to fifty bucks!

The Priest kept blessing horses and Charlie
kept betting on them and they won!

The last race of the day was the biggest and
Charlie saw the Priest with that horse, also!
He quickly went to his bank and withdrew his
life's savings of $20,000, went back to the
racetrack and put it all on that horse!  He
watched the race in certain anticipation of
leaving a millionaire!  The horse was last to
cross the line and Charlie was dead broke!

He couldn't believe what happened so he went
looking for the Priest. He found the man and
asked, "What happened to that last horse you
blessed?  Because your blessing didn't work,
I've lost all of my money!"

The Priest said, "That's the trouble with you
Protestants.  You can't tell the difference
between a blessing and the Last Rites!"