Huron Productions welcomes you
For Guys' Eyes Only
Some of you people may have seen
this looming outside of my room in residence. However, you wouldn't have seen
the whole thing. Please take the time to read it thoroughly, enjoy it and abide
by it. Remember boys, pals before gals! And if you are a girl who is not
supposed to be here and is thinking about chastising me for posting this... all
I have to say is that Cosmo is way worse than Maxim. Maxim is witty. I mean, do
we put good looking guys on our magazines so that we feel inadequate or fat?
Nope. We put girls that we could never possibly date on the cover of our
magazines.
Rule
#1:
Thou shalt not rent Chocolat.
Rule #6: Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
Rule
#19: No guy shall
attempt to pick his own nickname. If a friend suddenly starts demanding to be
called Diesel, it’s your duty to saddle him with a handle like Wee-Bit or
Sheet Stain.
Rule
#85 (The Sergeant Schultz Rule):
When queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink,
dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any
useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to
deny his very existence.
Rule #188: You are within your rights to leave the poker table early if
you’re up. And the other players are within their rights to duct-tape your
shaved body to the axle of a Peru-bound semi.
Rule
#212: Unless he
murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail
within 12 hours.
Rule #404: Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move
furniture: Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident. Acceptable
excuse for not helping a friend of a friend move furniture: You’d
rather stay home and watch Speed Buggy reruns.
Rule #476 (The Big Screen on Campus Rule): A man’s salary should never
be used to judge his social status or virility. The size of his TV should.
Rule
#511: When asked,
your best friend’s girl is always beautiful—and never your type.
Rule
#663: Even if God
Almighty himself asks, you have no damn idea what brand of conditioner you use!
Rule #674: You must maintain to the death a “rampaging rhino”-type
anecdote to explain all scars. Admitting your toaster boo-boo dishonors you and
your listeners.
Rule #689: If you score tickets to a major sporting event and take your
girlfriend over your buddy, he is perfectly within his rights to spend those
three hours boning your mother.
Rule #692: Friends don’t let friends drive drunk—but they also
don’t open their fucking mouths when their sober friends are driving
115 mph in the wrong direction on a one-way street.
Rule #711: It’s OK to shed a few extra pounds; it’s not OK to gush
about “having a delicious shake for breakfast and a sensible dinner.”
Rule
#723 (The Tuxedo Cloaking Rule):
A best-man toast must not include any of the following phrases: “down in
Tijuana,” “improbably booting out his nose,” “mostly scabbed over,” or
“energetic Greco-Roman clusterfuck.”
Rule #776: There is no such excuse as “I am not properly attired to
partake in this impromptu athletic match.” In fact, freshly pressed $2,000
suits make a great third base.
Rule #802: You are not a fan of a major sport unless you can lucidly
explain its overtime regulations. Conversely, you are not an American if you can
lucidly explain the overtime regulations of soccer.
Rule #881: When ordering pizza, you are not required to provide a
meatless option for any vegetarian interloper. If you have a backyard, however,
you may invite him/her to graze.
Rule
#959: You may
exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination;
beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call bullshit. (Exception: When
trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.)
Rule
#1,000 (The NutraSweetie Rule):
Drinking a diet soda doesn’t make you gay. But it does make you look gay.
Rule #1,073: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
Rule
#1,111: One does
not shave one’s nether regions unless one is prepping for open-nether-region
surgery.
Rule
#1,219: If
you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever,
unless you actually marry her.
Rule
#1,304: The proper
housewarming gift for a buddy: beer. The proper going-away gift for a buddy:
beer. The proper “checking into Betty Ford” gift for a buddy: light beer.
Rule
#1,476: The
minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late:
five minutes. Maximum waiting time: six minutes. For a girl, you are required to
wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1–10
scale.
Rule #1,699: Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s
refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature’s unsuitable.
Rule #1,765: If you’re the new guy at work, “New Guy” is your only
name until a new new guy shows up—even if you’ve been a senior VP for 12
years. Got it, New Guy? Great, now fetch us some coffee, New Guy! (God, we love
that.)
Rule
#1,862: A friend
must be permitted to borrow anything you own—weed whacker, car, firstborn
child—with 12 hours’ notice. If he damages the item, he must repair it
within seven days, even if it means selling his plasma. Exception: If you
don’t notice the damage at the hand-off, he gets away scot-free.
Rule #2,284 (The Patton Principle): Falling on a grenade for a buddy
(i.e., agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he’s trying to
score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed
and end up bonking the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your
bachelor party.
Rule #2,475: Do not torpedo single friends: If you’re married and a pal
drops by with a date, do not, even after your sixth vodka, blurt out, “So,
when are you two gonna walk the plank?” Punishment: Following the
assembly instructions for your rug rats’ toys for two years.
Rule #2,500: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops,
not the weakest.
Rule #2,650 (The Hand-off Catechism): Before dating a buddy’s ex, you
are required to ask his permission; and he, in return, is required to grant it.
But he’s fully within his rights to say, “Man, are you gonna love the way
she licks your testicles.”
Rule #2,738: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be
treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
pick a Buffalo wing clean.
Rule #2,811: If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem—you
didn’t see nothin’.
Rule #2,901: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man. (In fact, even remembering your best buddy’s birthday is
strictly optional.)
Rule #3,462: The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is
beer. The reward formula is as follows: (hours of labor) x (number of boxes) x
(flights of stairs) ÷ dollars, in hundreds, of damage to belongings = beers
owed. Bonus for the friend who owns the truck: first crack at that hot new
neighbor chick.
Rule #3,730: You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the
death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire
and threw it into a ceiling fan.
Rule #3,987: You can only falsely claim another guy’s personal anecdote
as your own if (1) there is a chance the story will get you laid, (2)
the guy you’re stealing from lives in a different town, and (3) no one
in earshot can prove you never spent three years as a guerrilla leader in
Bolivia.
Rule
#4,001: Under no
circumstances may one man ask another man a question that begins with, “So,
what are you wearing to…?”
Rule
#4,262: An
anecdote about a threesome, no matter how unlikely and overwrought, may not be
interrupted for any reason.
Rule
#4,671: While your
girlfriend must bond with your buddies’ girlfriends within 30 minutes of
meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pals’
significant dickheads—low-level sports bonding is all the law requires.
(Sorry, ladies: It’s called a double standard because it’s twice as true.)
Rule #4,884: The official ranking of your friends’ dorkwad hobbies, in
order of how intensely you should mock them:
5. Fantasy sports leagues
4. Stamp collecting
3. Comic books
2. Doily knitting
1. Star Trek conventions
Rule
#5,294: Unless you
have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing
more than one Nike swoosh.
Rule #5,649: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event,
you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask
who’s playing.
Rule #5,883: A man should be able to consume the weight of his own head
in alcohol at one sitting—but should not attempt to actually determine the
weight of his head after his eighth tequila shot of the morning.
Rule
#5,888 (The Mercy Rule):
When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny, loser friend up
with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you’ll be able to warn
your buddy and give him time to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.
Rule #6,172 (Gas Warfare Act): You may flatulate in front of a woman only
after you’ve brought her to climax. But if you trap her head under the covers
for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.
Rule #6,521: It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when
you’re sunning on a tropical beach…and it’s delivered by a topless
supermodel…and it’s free.
Rule #6,520: Any man caught gossiping must wear a skirt over his pants
for one workweek.
Rule
#6,876: When in a
bar that has a ratio of more than five waiting customers per bartender, limit
orders to beer and straight liquor. (No, your girlfriend does not need a frozen
flying grasshopper with a twist of grapefruit.)
Rule #7,000: If a man compliments your “outfit,” he is accusing you
of being gay.
Rule #7,104: Only in a situation of mortal and/or ass peril are you
allowed to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.
Rule #7,105: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
Rule
#7,546: When your
girlfriend or wife goes on an endless rant about how crude, stupid, and lazy
your buddies are, the proper response is to nod your head and say, “You’re
absolutely right, dear. And they’re on their way over.”
Rule #7,547: No phone call between men shall last more than one minute
per year of friendship, unless it’s about fixing something.
Rule
#7,718 (The Body Heat Rule):
A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober
enough to fight.
Rule #7,847: The third, fourth, and fifth rules of Fight Club: If your
buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must
jump into the fight. Exception: If during the past 24 hours his actions have
caused you to think What this guy needs is a good ass-whupping, you may
stand back and enjoy.
Rule #7,911: A man’s hair shall not be longer than his girlfriend’s.
Rule #7,975: It’s OK to like Fight Club, Seven, and Snatch.
It is not OK to be a Brad Pitt fan.
Rule #8,000: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue
closed.
Rule
#8,102: Never
speak ill of another man’s dog. Always speak ill of another man’s cat. If
the other man owns a gerbil, find another friend.
Rule
#8,174 (The Golden Rule):
Move your feet, lose your seat. This rule has survived many challenges and
supersedes all childish “pee breaks are safe” local ordinances.
Rule
#8,201 (The Hos Ahoy! Rule):
If your buddy invites you to spend the weekend aboard his boat, it’s
understood that you’ll be bringing along at least one hot chick—and that she
won’t whine about the “cramped quarters” or her bikini top being used as a
fish stringer.
Rule #8,296: Formula for number of sex partners to tell your girlfriend
you’ve had: Conquests she can prove + 1. Formula for decoding how many sex
partners your girlfriend has had: (partners she claims + 10) x (number of sex
toys she owns) x (number of times you’ve seen her bum a cigarette off a male
stranger) ÷ (number of Amy Grant albums in her collection).
Rule
#8,411: When it
comes to animals, remember this simple rule: Carnivores = pets; herbivores =
food.
Rule #8,416: When picking players for a sports team, it is permissible to
skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes—as long as you don’t let
him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sidelines.
Rule #8,421: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be
talking about his choice of beer.
Rule #8,580: Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of
yours, except when she’s withholding sex pending your response.
Rule
#8,659:
It’s acceptable to have sex with a woman 20 years older than you if:
·
She’s European.
·
Her husband and servants left her alone at the mansion for the weekend.
·
You’re 10.
Rule #8,754: Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
- “Yeah,
baby, push it!”
- “C’mon,
give me one more! Harder!”
- “Another
set and we can hit the showers.”
- “Nice
ass. Are you a Sagittarius?”
Rule
#8,746:
Corollary: Never hug another man from behind or allow yourself to be so hugged.
Rule
#8,812:
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not
both. That’s just plain mean.
Rule #8,820: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you’re on equal
footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an
almost imperceptible “I recognize you” nod is all the conversation you need.
Rule
#8,821:
Never loudly insult the jukebox selection at a bar with more than six
Harley-Davidsons parked out front.
Rule #8,825: If you’re behind the wheel, you pay the speeding ticket,
even if your passenger has the Ebola virus, is bleeding from his eyeballs, and
is begging for a ride to the emergency room.
Rule #8,901: No man shall purchase a Christmas gift before December 22.
Rule #8,911: The accepted excuse for making a mule’s ass of yourself in
public, age 29 or younger: “Dude, I’m so-o-o-o drunk.” The accepted excuse
for making a mule’s ass of yourself in public, age 30 or older: “Hey, I pay
my taxes.”
Rule #8,959: It isn’t mandatory that you contribute to every
coworker’s birthday/get well soon/going away gift fund. It is mandatory
that you contribute to every coworker’s Super Bowl/March Madness/turtle race
betting pool.
Rule #8,990: Any man whose wife or girlfriend does the grilling must wear
a frilly pair of oven mitts in public for a month and must explain why to any
curious passersby.
Rule #8,992: If a married man lets his wife keep him away from two
consecutive guy outings, said pals may legally move into his living room and
begin the intervention process.
Rule #9,048: You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a
massive hangover. You may, however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with
Limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his
monitor’s broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.
Rule
#9,210:
If one guy is already singing along with a song on the car radio, you may not
chime in, even if it’s the chorus to “Wooly Bully.” Better response: Tell
him to shut his pie hole.
Rule #9,374: If you catch your woman screwing your best friend, let your
state’s crimes-of-passion laws be your guide.
Rule #9,481: When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only
in a manner that gives you no chance of getting laid, either.
Rule #9,546: Things you can always cheat on: your taxes, the SATs, and
your resumé. Things you can never cheat on: golf, darts, poker.
Rule #9,601: Before allowing a drunken pal to cheat on his girl, you must
attempt one intervention. If he can get on his feet, look you in the eye, and
deliver a “Fuck off!” you are absolved of responsibility. Remember: Later on
you will have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.
Rule #9,750 (The Skank Rule): You may swear friends to secrecy about a
sexual escapade only if there’s a chance the woman in question will become
your girlfriend. If you’re imprudent enough to get caught bagging an
undesirable female, then the anecdote will stay in the guy public domain right
through your bachelor party. Don’t beg; it’s unseemly.
Rule #9,806: The morning after you and a babe who was formerly “just a
friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird
and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a
big mistake it was.
Rule #9,999: Money borrowed from a pal absolutely must be
repaid…sometime over the course of your life. Take your time.
Here is some stuff that Dan Scarrow sent to me back in the day. I found it when I was sorting though old emails and stuff ... I thought that it might be cool to post it. Gentlemen, start your engines!!!!
The
Pickup Mission
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to go out with your friends and
meet new female acquaintances to add to your repertoire of potential
"friends". Of course by the end of the night, you are a few hundred
dollars poorer, you've accelerated your own liver failure (from all the alcohol
you drank), your lungs are a shade darker, and you still didn't get to escort
that beautiful woman back to her place (you didn't even get her number). It's
another familiar failed Saturday night.
Maybe it's time to reconsider your whole pickup strategy. If it has not worked
for you and your friends in the past, then it's time to try a new strategy.
In general, most men fail to meet women for two reasons. The first problem is
that they move in packs but go on the hunt solo. What do I mean by this? When it
concerns meeting women, men tend to separate from the squadron to wander
helplessly towards the female pack, only to hit a wall and be shot down and
humiliated.
The second factor that adds to the squadron failure, is the pathetic expectation
that "if I stand around long enough, maybe something will happen."
Most men will sit or stand around all night holding a beer, and watch women
dance all night without doing anything. At the end of the night, they're
disappointed because they did not meet any women. Of course not; to meet women
you have to go up to them and start a conversation. If you can't talk because
the music is too loud, then invite them to dance with you.
The only way to actually meet women in nightclubs is by following the ways of
the jet fighter pilots. Men have to learn to fight in squadrons. By sticking
together, we increase our chances of having a Successful Pickup
Saturday Night (SPSN).
Look into the eyes of a pilot. In his stare you will see, among other things,
great intelligence. It is precisely that intelligence that makes the fighter a
great pilot. When pilots fight, the members of the squad gather together.
Survival depends on cooperation. Each member works to care for, defend and
protect his fellow members.
This is the same attitude that men must adopt. By working together, we can
accomplish a lot more than if we continue to hunt solitarily. In order to
achieve these goals, there are specific roles that one must take on. When
hunting, you have to prepare yourself according to three main roles: the Kamikaze
Pilot, the Wing
Commander and the Wingmen.
The Kamikaze pilot has a girlfriend,
is engaged or is already married. His main duty is to initiate the
"seek-and-attract" plan. Because he is already dating, he will not
care if he gets shot down. He will also convey more
confidence, and women will be more attracted to him. These people have nothing
to lose. To them, flying kamikaze is "just talking". The key here is
having them save the "I have a wife/girlfriend" part for the end of
the conversation.
The Wing Commander
engages the primary target. Anyone can be a Wing Commander. In order to
become one, you simply have to spot a woman that you are interested in and get
the squadron ready for action.
The Wingmen
serve as decoys; they take one for the team, engage the secondary target, they
jump on the grenade and generally keep someone else occupied while the Wing
Commander engages the primary target. The best
suited wingmen are: Good-looking friends who don't know they're hot. But be
careful, these are the wingmen that can accidentally blow you right out of the
sky. Ugly friends are perfect for the mission. They are fun and cool but lost
the lottery on looks.
However, it is better to have no wingmen at all than bad wingmen. The type of
people that make bad wingmen are: The drunk guys- they will usually crash and
burn, and nip your wing on their way down. Instead of backing you up, they'll
give all your naughty secrets away. The boring geek- There is nothing worse than
having to turn around and bail out your own wingman.
Attractive women seek out attractive girl friends, but to make themselves feel
even more attractive, there is always one member of the group that is not so
hot. However, the attractive members of the group require that if men approach
them, they have to find a match for the least attractive friend as well. The
following best describes the
female targets:
The Girl-goyle:
The least attractive member of the female group. The target that the Kamikaze
pilot seeks out and destroys.
The Primary Target:
Usually the best looking female of the group. She is the one whom the Wing
Commander seeks to "engage" in combat.
The Secondary
Target: Known as "Bogeys",
but also known as the "friend that drove us here", the "we have
to get up early" girl, the "we have to leave now" girl, or
finally the "if you think you're going home with her, you're sadly
mistaken" girl. These girls range in beauty from hot, to sweet, to average
looking. These Bogey pilots are engaged by the Wingmen.
As I mentioned before, the first thing you have to do is be aggressive. Don't
just stand around and wait for something to happen because it never will. As
soon as you enter the dance club, you have to seek out your primary target. Once
you've located her, it's time to sprint into action.
The first move you make is to gather your squadron together. Because you located
your woman first, you become the Wing Commander. The next step is for the
Kamikaze pilot to move in and start a conversation with the Girl-goyle of the
group. The purpose of this step is to infiltrate and setup contact with the
female group. If no Kamikaze pilot is available, then one of the Wingmen has to
act as the Kamikaze pilot (chose by drawing straws before entering the club).
Having the Kamikaze pilot (single or married guy) talk to the least attractive
girl serves two purposes. The first one is to eliminate her by sacrificing
himself to a conversation with her for the whole night (she does not know that
he is married or dating). The second reason to talk to the least attractive
friend is so that the prettier friends won't have to
be so concerned with finding the Girl-goyle friend a match. You see, most women
avoid talking to men because they feel guilty about leaving their least
good-looking friend by themselves the Kamikaze pilot takes care of that.
Once the Kamikaze pilot is properly introduced to the female group, it is time
for the Wing Commander to spring into action. His role is to walk by the
Kamikaze pilot and let the Kamikaze pilot introduce him to the gang. The
Kamikaze will first introduce the Wing Commander to the primary target, and then
to the other friends. After greeting all of the friends, the Wing Commander
shows his interest by talking back to the primary target.
The legendary Wingmen wait in the shadows of the club. They always appear on cue
and rarely fail at their assigned duties. The Wingmen move once they observe
that the secondary targets are showing signs of impatience, or even try to
interrupt the Wing Commander. The Wingmen's job is to keep the secondary targets
distracted.
Sometimes, the Wingmen have to take more than one secondary target at a time.
You can never predict how the mission will turn out. Sometimes the Wingmen do
better than the Wing Commander. Sometimes, the Wing Commander gets shot down.
Other times, your wingers get shot down and you have to abort the mission
because you lost your cover.
There is one important code that is followed by all members of the squadron. If
the Wing Commander panics and is too afraid to continue his mission, then the
fastest Wingman takes over as the Wing Commander. This is done to keep the
squadron alive by encouraging the Wing Commander to fulfill his duties.
The next time you go out with your friends, change things around and make things
a little more fun. Instead of just standing around with a beer in your hands,
play a game and make the whole experience fun. But remember: united we stand,
divided we fall.