I guess maybe people will say I'm dumb. But that doesn't matter, people always tell me that. Maybe they'll say good riddance, I wouldn't be surprised. I wonder what Ike and Tay will do without their drummer? Just get a new one. What about when they find they no longer have a little brother to abuse and demean. Maybe they'll move on to Mac. I hope not. Mackenzie is the coolest little brother in the world. I just wish I could have been a better big brother.
I'm thinking about all the things I wanted when I was little. I wanted to sing with my brothers. I wanted to be just like them, they were so cool. I grew up, it happened, and it sucked. They were cool, and then they weren't. It was such a disappointment. Or was it me? Was I the problem? Probably, it's always my fault.
Then I wanted to be a father. That was always something I loved, kids. I could identify with them so much better than people my own age. It's too bad I'm the only person in the world like that. When I got to play with Mac, we had so much fun. I wanted to experience that with my own kids. I see how happy Mom and Dad always are. I always thought that I might feel that happy if I was married and had kids.
One more dream shot down. One time I was babysitting Zoe and she somehow fell out of her crib. Mom had blamed me for it. Said something like I was trying to kill my little sister. I have no idea why she blew up like that. I would never have done that. I decided then and there that I wasn't cut out for parenting either. If I couldn't make sure my little sister didn't get hurt then how was I supposed to care for my own child and a wife?
So I got older, hitting the puberty stage, I wanted to have sex. But I wanted it to be with someone I really liked. I didn't want to have a baby, but I wanted sex. I wanted to experience this act since it was supposed to be so wonderful. Hell it had to be great because my parents kept doing it. I honestly think kids three through seven were accidents. Well maybe not Jessica. Mom always loved her the most, and Dad loved Ike and Tay. Avery latched on the Jess and so it worked. Mac tried to hook up with me, I tried to hook with him but something was missing. I think it was the eight to nine years in between us. Zoe, I don't know about her. Mom loves babies, but I think that seven was just a little too much, and I think she knows it.
But seeing as the way things are I don't think I'm going to make it into any girl's bed. I'm ready for it to be over. The tour is done. I'm finally home. Ike is off somewhere with his girlfriend. Aimee flied in to fool around with Taylor. Mom, Dad and everyone else went out for dinner. I'm not hungry. Mom thought I was sick, I told her I was but that she should go out to dinner anyway. I wouldn't want her to spoil her plans over me. The truth is I don't want her to spoil my plans over me.
It seems like the gun which lays beside me is my only friend. The ony one who won't betray me. My dad never knew that any of us knew he had a gun, the majority of them don't, but I've known for a couple years. Now it's finally going to do this family some good. Now I stand, holding my ticket out. It's a one way, and the only thought in my mind is that maybe, jsut maybe life will be better the second time around.
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