USELESS RANDOM THOUGHTS
YOU KNOW WHEN PEOPLE SEE A CAT'S LITTER BOX, THEY ALWAYS SAY, "OH, HAVE YOU GOT A CAT?" I TELL THEM, "NO, IT'S FOR COMPANY."
I WAS THINKING THAT WOMEN SHOULD PUT PICTURES OF MISSING HUSBANDS ON BEER CANS.
A LADY FRIEND OF MINE TOLD ME THAT AT OUR AGE SHE HAS FOUND THAT GOING BRA-LESS PULLS ALL THE WRINKLES OUT OF HER FACE.
I THOUGHT ABOUT HOW MOTHERS FEED THEIR BABIES WITH LITTLE TINY SPOONS AND FORKS SO I WONDER WHAT CHINESE MOTHERS USE. PERHAPS TOOTHPICKS?
DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD: UNTIE!
IT WILL BE A GREAT DAY WHEN OUR SCHOOLS GET ALL THE MONEY THEY NEED AND THE AIR FORCE HAS TO HOLD A BAKE SALE TO BUY A BOMBER
POLITICS - FROM THE WORDS "POLY," MEANING "MANY,"
AND "TICKS," AS IN "SMALL, BLOOD-SUCKING PARASITES"
ILLITERATE? WRITE FOR HELP
I HAVE ANIMAL MAGNETISM. WHEN I GO OUTSIDE, SQUIRRELS STICK TO MY CLOTHES
I DON'T SUFFER FROM INSANITY; I ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF IT.
A CAT WILL ASSUME THE SHAPE OF THE CONTAINER IT'S PACKED INTO.
A BARTENDER IS JUST A PHARMACIST WITH A LIMITED INVENTORY.
I GOT A GUN FOR MY WIFE; BEST TRADE I EVER MADE.
SO YOU'RE A FEMINIST.....ISN'T THAT CUTE!
GIVE PIZZA CHANTS.
Help wanted: Telepathy. You know where to apply.
IRS slogan: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
God must love stupid people. He made so many.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
There's too much youth. How about a fountain of smart.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Tonight's weather: Dark with continued darkness until dawn.
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
A day without sunshine is like night.
There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
Death is hereditary.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Multi-tasking - screwing up several things at once.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Please return Stewardess to original upright position.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
There's an exception to every rule, except this one.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
"I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion
stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a
wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?
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