From:
The Offices of Conn, Lye, and Diehl, Attorneys at Large
To: Dan Birtcher,
aka DJ, aka Mary Todd Lincoln VIII (and his little cat, too!)
Subject:
The multi-felonious online journal entry of Oct. 21, 1999 entitled "Holidays
Autopsied While-U-Read" (hereafter to be known and referred to as "Ewww
- gross!")
Dear Sir:
It has come to our
attention that yesterday, October 21, 1999, you saw fit to post in or about
the online website known as "Almost A Jester's Journal" certain words and
phrases which have done irreparable harm to the name and reputation of
our client, Godzilla. In an effort to obtain for this distinguished
client some measure of solace, and in hopes of preventing the perpetuation
of further outrages in the future, an official letter of complaint was
filed by us at 8 a.m. this morning with Judge Alvin K. Snicklestein of
the Third District Court of the Great State of Ohio in Dayton. At
8:27 a.m. we had the distinct honor and privilege of being present as Judge
Snicklestein's eyes bugged out of his head as he read and audibly gasped
over the following four (4) major points made by that letter:
1) Dan Birtcher
(hereafter known as "The Fiend") did knowingly and willfully refer to Godzilla
as a "monster" (aka, "the 'm' word") despite the fact that Godzilla is
not a monster at all, but merely Horrifically Gifted.
2) The Fiend
did knowingly and willfully make malicious fun of Godzilla's inability
to maintain his proper two-million-ton doctor recommended weight due to
an unfortunate genetic predisposition towards bulimia coupled with the
low self-esteem one might expect in anyone subject to regular atomic bomb
attacks by the world's armed forces. In the process, The Fiend caused
Godzilla much pain and emotional distress, and destroyed much if not all
of the progress he had been making in his group counseling and art therapy
sessions of the last sixteen (16) (XVI) years.
3) The Fiend
gleefully admitted to impersonating Godzilla in clear violation of the
long-standing right of each and every creature to sole and exclusive use
of his name, personality, and large scaly tail. News of this impersonation
has not only deepened the hospital-certified funk the above two points
has plunged our client into; it has also prompted several major advertising
agencies to end those negotiations which had been on the verge of delivering
to our client vast amounts of money, imported French slime, and the opportunity
to perform Shakespeare in Jurassic Park in exchange for his official endorsement
of TicTac Flame-Enhancing Breath Mints, his on-screen appearance in a series
of ads for giant-lizard-strength Depend undergarments, and the development
of his own line of feminine hygiene products guaranteed to keep women feeling
springtime fresh even while fleeing civilization-destroying disasters.
4) Finally,
while there is no law against The Fiend overhearing the malicious, anti-lizard
comments of prejudiced ghouls on break in haunted house lunchrooms, there
are many statutes barring anyone from repeating what they overhear,
especially in a forum even the youngest and most innocent of mutant reptiles
can easily access from the depths of their own abandoned nuclear test sites.
As much as these comments have hurt Godzilla directly, the knowledge that
they may be injuring the minds of a whole new generation of his Horrifically
Gifted progeny while he is out, say, at a fundraiser for the Diana Memorial
Fund has virtually doubled his out-of-pocket costs for tear-absorbent Bounty
paper towels, industrial strength Prozac, and already outrageously expensive
powergrid-induced electroshock. The fear that his own private comments
regarding people of Japanese descent might in turn be overheard and taken
out of context by a journal-writing fiend hiding under his bed has cost
him many, many hours of sleep which we petition the court to force The
Fiend to make full restitution for. We also ask that The Fiend be
forced to fork over 10,000,000 hours of REM nap time in punitive damages
in hopes that a strong signal will be sent to society that such blatant
anti-giant-lizard behavior simply will not be tolerated anymore.
There's more - oh,
yes, much much more we could tell you, you dastardly Fiend, you! - but
as you'll be hearing it all in court come November 15, what's the point?
Suffice it to say, you'll be getting yours soon enough! Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!
Maniacally yours,
Messieurs Conn, Lye,
and Diehl, Attorney at Large
P.S. - Please use
the return envelope provided to acknowledge your receipt of this letter.
Your first class stamp on that pre-paid envelope, although not strictly
necessary, will enable us to keep our legal fees among the lowest in the
country and will be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
