Sat., Oct. 23, 1999
As it happens, this change couldn't have come at a better time. It's
"Make a Difference Day" in my town and every fiber of my being is aching
to make a very great difference indeed.
We've all seen the little forms at our Department of Motor Vehicles.
We've all read the pamphlets in our doctor's waiting room, and sat through
the public service announcements on TV. Well, this morning I finally
took action. I actually got a pen and filled out my Testosterone
Donor's Card. Now, in the event of my untimely death - or even my
timely one - I know that the testosterone I'll no longer be using will
live on in others and might someday even save the social life of my fellow
man. If nothing else, I'm sure it'll be appreciated by those Red
Cross officials looking to spice up their Remedial Chest Thumping classes
with a few simple injections.
As everyone probably knows, Elizabeth Dole dropped out of the race for
president earlier this week. What hasn't been reported as much, however,
is that she fell right on top of Dan Quayle in the process. Dan,
of course, had dropped out earlier. Unlike Lamar Alexander and John
Kaisch, however, he forgot to get up and get out of the way before the
inevitable others followed.
Quayle 2000
If you merely want to see what a single high heeled shoe can do to a man's ego when it hits with a force equivalent to 3450 pounds per square inch, visit the Dan Quayle Musuem online by clicking here. To learn about those distinguished American politicians who actually made it to the White House using such names as John Quincey Adams (who kept a pet alligator in the East Room) to Dwight D. Eisenhower (who made a habit of wearing three coats of clear nail polish), click here.
If you'd like to participate more directly in the running of the country,
you might consider doing what I'm going to do this afternoon: Write a letter
to our congressional representatives in support of House Bill 1789B.
That leaves this evening. If you're the newly-minted dedicated do-gooder
that I am, you'll devote the hours between 6 and midnight to joining us
fellow "Americans for Purity" in combating the real threat to our American
way of life: rampant and unlicensed masturbation. For details about
how you, too, can take matters into your own hands and stop our steady
slide into madness, mayhem, and quite possibility a disco revival, click
here.
Finally.... I realize that not everyone is up to all or even any of the activities I've outlined above. For some, today is a holy day of rest. For others, today is merely another block of 24 hours to piss away in sin before an eternity in the fires of hell. For these people and others like them, I have the Mouse Odometer and the Foot Rat.
The Mouse Odometer is a simple little program which will tell you how far
your cursor has traveled. My own Mouse Odometer now tells me that
my cursor has traveled just over eight-tenths of a mile since I installed
it yesterday. That's 50,788 inches, or 4232.8 feet. Or
65.45% of the way across the Brooklyn Bridge - WOOO-HOOO!
Sick of your mouse altogether? Check out the FootRat. The reviews
are lousy and it costs a ridiculous $30, but the idea and picture are free.
I found 'em both smile provoking. Maybe you will, too.
That's all. A sudden recurrence of guilt is leaving me feeling quite
dizzy again, so it's back to bed for me (Cocoa Puff stains and all).
I'll continue turning over my new leafies as soon as I can - I promise.
|
Back To A Simpler Past |
(All Material ©1999 by Dan Birtcher in a selfless attempt to keep it out of our aquifers) |
Donated Dining Hint To The World's Teeming Masses #1: For a great taste sensation, try adding catsup to your French fries before eating. |