Humor on the Golf Course 2

A foursome of hackers teed off at 10 am every Saturday and all were usually there well before tee time. This Saturday Dave rushed to the tee just in time, as the other three had already teed off. Dave apologized and explained that he had stopped at the Optometrist office on the way to the course to pick up his new bifocals. Dave put on his new glasses, teed up his ball and after turning his head this way and that proceeded to hit the best drive of his life. Dave's approach shot to the green was even better than his drive - leaving him a birdie putt which he drilled into the middle of the cup.

Dave continued to play the best golf of his life, he broke 80 for the first time and won every bet. Of course the foursome retired to the clubhouse after the round to celebrate and allow Dave to buy drinks. After the first round his buddies began to press him to explain his new golf skills.

Dave said "Guys its these new bifocals - when I put them on and looked over the top I saw a little ball and a little club - when I looked through the bottom I saw a big ball and a big club - but if I looked just right I could see a little ball and a big club. So I hit the little ball with the big club all day. When I putted it was even better, I hit the little ball into the big hole with the big putter."

Well, everyone thought this was exceptional and required several more drinks. After a while Dave excused himself to visit the Men's room. However, when he failed to return after a considerable absence one friend went to check on him. He found Dave at the urinal with the front of his trousers soaking wet. "What happened?" His friend inquired.

An obviously tipsy Dave replayed "I don't know. I was standing here taking a leak and I looked down and saw two - one big one and one little one. Well, I didn't recognize the big one so I put it back in my pants!"

Half Hour Late

A couple of weeks ago, I played with new member who shot an even par 72. We had fun during the round, so I asked him if he wanted to play next week. He said: "Sure, but I might be a half hour late." The following week he shows up right on on time, and sets up on the first tee this time playing left- handed. Again he shoots a 72. I asked him if he wanted to play again next week. He replied: "Sure but I might be a half hour late." I then asked him :"How come some times you play right- handed and other times, left-handed." He said :"When I wake up in the morning and my wife is sleeping on her left side, I play left- handed and if she is on her right side, then I play right- handed." I then ask ;"So,what if she is laying flat on her back?" "That's when I'll be a half hour late!" he replied

Escapee

Two golfers are waiting their turn on the tee when a naked women runs across the fairway and into the woods. Two men in white coats and another guy carrying two buckets of sand are chasing her, and a little old man is bringing up the rear. One of the golfers grabs the old man and says, " What's going on?" The old guy says, "She's a nymphomaniac from the asylum, she keeps trying to escape, and us attendants are trying to catch her." The golfer says, "What about the guy with the buckets of sand?" The old guy says, "That's his handicap. He caught her last time."

A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?" "Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the balls. That was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water

A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.