A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golfbag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?" "It's over here in the pussy willows."
The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"
A man is out playing golf and is having the round of his life. He comes up to the 17th hole, a long par 5 with a large oak tree in the middle of the fairway. He hits a beautiful tee shot down the left side of the fairway. When he gets to his ball, he finds that there is one limb hanging over the fairway that may interfere with his 2nd shot. The man thinks to himself, "Do I pull out a 7 iron and play it safe or do I pull out the 3 wood and go for it?" The man has been having the best round of his life so he decides to pull out the 3 wood and go for it. He hits his second shot which hits the overhanging limb, bounces straight back at him striking him in the head and instantly kills him.
Now the man is at the Pearly Gates and is standing in front of Saint Peter. Saint Peter is looking in his book and can not seem to find the man's name. Finally, Saint Peter is so frustrated that he asks the man, "How did you get here?"
The man replies, "I got here in two."
Three friends were playing their regular Saturday morning round of golf. They were joined on the 1st tee by a stranger who proceeded to hook his drive into the bushes. The stranger and his caddy went to look for the ball while the other three waited on the fairway.After about five minutes when the golfer and the caddy failed to reappear, the three others went in search of them only to find the golfer performing anal sex on the caddy. "Get away from there, you nasty fellow," the three others shouted.
"Please, please, you don't understand," said the golfer, "when we came into the bushes, my caddy suffered a heart attack and I was only trying to revive him." "But that's not how you revive someone when they suffer a heart attack," shouted the three others, "You have to give the person mouth-to-mouth resuscitation."
"I know," retorted the golfer, "How the hell do you think this started?"
A lady golfer ran into the clubhouse screaming, "HELP, HELP! I've been stung by a bee and I'm allergic." The golf pro responded, "Where?"
The lady answered, "Between the first and second hole!" The pro stated, "You're stance is too wide."
A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole.
He congratulates her in the parking lot then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning. On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything." He pulls over, they kiss and she gives him the best oral sex he's ever had.
The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at the last, again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation.
This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel.
Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason. "You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite." He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm sorry," she repeats.
"You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating bastard. You've been playing off the red tees all week!!"
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" says the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" she says. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
A guy is playing golf with a priest on day. A the first hole, the priest hits a lovely drive down the fairway and looks to the heavens and says, "Thank you God, thank you for that shot!" The other guy then slices his tee shot into the trees and screams, "What a fuckin' useless shitty freakin shot that was!"
The Priest turns a blind eye to this and they continue. On the second hole the priest knocks a lovely drive right down the middle and says, "Thank you Lord, thank you for helping me strike that ball so well!" The other guy hits a complete shank and bellows, "What a fuckin shitty pox weak arse girls blouse shot that was!"
The priest turns to him and says, "My son, you cannot keep cursing like that or the Lord will strike thee down in his vengeance to all things impure." The Guy apologizes and they continue.
On the third hole, the priest knocks a lovely iron onto a Par 3 and it goes straight in for a hole-in-one, " Thank you my savior," crys the Priest, "thankyou, Lord, forever I will be in your debt!" The other guys hacks one straight into the water and goes off the handle. "You fuckin hopeless asswipe! What kind of a fuckin useless shitty shot was that?" he screams.
Just then, the clouds open and a huge finger points out from above and sends a lightning bolt out which hits the Priest and kills him on the spot. From the heavens a voice booms, "What a fuckin shitty shot that was!!!!!!!!!"
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