Past month Featured Jokes .....April



A Little Play on Words:

Man went to the doctor and the doctor asked, How often do you have sex ?
The man replied "infrequently, the doctor still looking down at his notes
asked is that one word or two??



I was playing golf with my doctor friend one day. He ALWAYS hit his drives right down the middle of the fairway. My problem was that I ALWAYS hooked my ball completely off the fairway.

I asked him for help, and he offered to give me a physical to see if he could determine the problem. Sure enough, he said that I had three times the "normal length" of the average male, which caused an anomaly in my swing that caused me to hook.

I asked him to help me, and he agreed to do surgery-- provided that I didn't play golf for four weeks. I agreed. Golf is just that important to me.

Four weeks later, new body and all, I teed off on the first hole and drove the ball 270 yards right down the middle. Feeling elated, I thanked the doctor. Then I asked him what had become of the "rest" of me.

He just smiled, teed his ball, then hit it and watched it duck hook two fairways away...



Lady Diana and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in.

St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity." St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Diana the same question.

Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may go in. Have a nice day.

Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and she gets in and I don't?!!!

"Sorry, Dolly, but a royal flush beats a pair any day.



A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He was saying "Jack, you are wonderful, spectacular, your name is synonomous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the golfcourse. What is your secret?"

To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"



"The golf swing is like sex. You can't be thinking about the mechanics of the act while you are performing."



A married couple was paired with another couple for 18 holes of golf. One
of the wives confided to her husband, "Honey, when I swing my driver
real hard, some silent gas slips out, and I'm afraid the other couple will
smell it, and I would just die, what can I do?"

Her husband says, "I don't know what you can do now, but when we get
home, I'm buying you a hearing aid!"



A businessman traveled to Japan to meet and play golf with a few Japanese business associates. Having nothing to do the night before his game, he decided to solicit the services of a prostitute.

Later, when they were in the throes of passion, she suddenly screamed out "Kawasaki!" Not knowing the translation, he figured it meant he was performing exceptionally well, and so he kept going.

Again she screamed, "Kawasaki! Kawasaki!" And again, he smiled proudly at this congratulation and continued.

Finally, she shrieked "KAWASAKI!" a third time, jumped out of bed and ran from the room. "Must have been too good for her!" he thought to himself, and went to sleep contented with himself.

The next day, while in the middle of his round of golf, one of his Japanese associates hit a perfect 6-iron off the tee right into the cup for a hole-in-one! Remembering his new word and wanting to impress his associates with his linguistic proficiency, the man yelled out Kawasaki!"

Perplexed, the Japanese golfer turned to him and asked, "What do you mean, wrong hole?"



Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don't step on the ducks.

The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks "The ducks?"
"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are millions of ducks walking around the course and if one gets stepped on, he squawks then the one next to him squawks and soon they're all raising hell and it really breaks the tranquility. If you step on the ducks, you'll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."

After entering the course, the men noted that there was indeed a gaggle of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys stepped on one of them. The duck squawked, the one next to it squawked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks.

St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asked "Who stepped on the duck?"
The one who had done it admitted "I did."
Immediately, St. Peter pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to step on the ducks," he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity.

The other two men were very cautious not to step on any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman than before. St. Peter determined which one had stepped on a duck by the fear in his face, and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to step on the ducks", he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn't stepped on a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said "What have I done to deserve this?"

The woman responded "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."



Sex is a lot like golf. It's not the length of your putter. It's your drive,
the approach and a reliable old bag that make for a great score.



Two golfers were sitting at the 19th hole discussing their games
this year when one says to the other, "My game is so bad this
year I had to have my Ball Retriever REGRIPPED!"



An elderly gentleman lived on the 3rd floor of a retirement
condo on a golf course and used the cart path to walk to the
corner grocery. One day, as he was returning from the store,
he looked down and saw that beside a tree next to the path were
dozens of brand new golf balls. He couldn't believe his good
fortune! The man set the paper bag of groceries on the ground,
emptied it out and filled it to the brim with the golf balls.
Alas, the water sprinklers had just been running and the bottom
of the paper bag got wet. As he lifted the overflowing bag, the
bottom fell out and balls went everywhere. Having no choice, he
stuffed all his pockets with the balls. The front pockets were
so full that he looked like a squirrel with his mouth full of
acorns as he walked back to his condo. When the elevator door
at his condo opened, an elderly lady steps out and looked at
his distended pockets with a pronounced look of wonder on her face.
Quickly, he says, "Golf balls."
She responds, "Oh my, is that anything like tennis elbow?"


Paddy was playing golf at a very exclusive club in County Kerry for the first time, and on the sixth hole he hit a hole in one. Jubilant, he walked down to the green and, just as he was taking his ball from the cup, up popped a leprechaun.

"Sor," the leprechaun bowed politely and continued. "This is a very exclusive course which has everything, including the services of a leprechaun if you make a hole in one in the sixth hole. I will be delighted to grant you any wish your heart desires."

"Saints preserve us," said Paddy in shock. But seeing the leprechaun waiting so patiently he thought for a minute then admitted shyly that he did have a wish.

"I want to have a longer penis," he confided. "Your wish is granted, Sor," the leprechaun said and disappeared in a puff of green smoke down the hole.

So Paddy headed back to join up with his friends and as he walked he could feel his penis slowly growing. The golf game progressed and Paddy's penis kept getting longer and longer until it came out beneath his shorts and reached down below his knees.

"Hmmmm," Paddy thought, "maybe this wasn't such a great idea after all." So he left his friends and went back to the sixth hole with a bucket of balls and began to shoot. Finally he hit a hole in one, and by the time he got down to the green, he had to hold his penis to keep it from dragging on the ground. But he managed to take the ball from the cup and sure enough, out popped the leprechaun.

"Sor, this is a very exclusive course," said the leprechaun bowing once again, "and it has everything including the services of a leprechaun . . . oh it's you again.

Well what will it be this time?"

"Could you make my legs longer?" pleaded Paddy.



Maurie was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.

"It's the wife" said Maurie. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week."

"Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!"



A golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the pro asks him what he wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the golfer replies. The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

As the golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks him, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"

Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"



The old golfer paced anxiously up and down outside he emergency room of the East Lothian Hospital near Muirfield Golf Course. Inside the doctors were operating to remove a golf ball accidentally driven down a player's throat.

The sister-in-charge noticed the old golfer and went to reassure him.

"It won't be long now," she said. "You're a relative?"

"No, no, lassie. It's my ball."



After playing 18 holes, Shane decided to hang around with the boys for a few drinks
afterward and didn't get home until the wee hours of the morning.

His wife was extremely upset and didn't believe him when he said he was playing
night golf. She said he couldn't have been because there are no lights on a golf course.

Shane replied, "Yes there are. Miller Lite, Bud Lite and Coors Lite!"


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