Past month Featured Jokes .....may

A Yuppie was sent a ransom note saying that he was to bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of the country club at 10 o'clock the next day, if he ever wanted to see his wife alive again.

He didn't arrive until almost 12:30. A masked man stepped out from behind some bushes and growled, "What the hell took ya so long? You're over two hours late."
"Hey ! Give me a break." whined the Yuppie. "I have a 27 handicap."

Pre-Season Golf Meditations
If you really want to get better at golf,go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
It's surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt.... for an 8.
It's not a gimme, if you're still away.
There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% of the time.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Drunk at Company Party A guy wakes up one morning with a hangover. Going downstairs he asks his wife, "Honey, I know I made a fool out of myself at the company party last night, so tell me what I did."
"You got in an argument with your boss."
"Well, piss on him!" said the man.
"You did. He fired you." said the wife.
"Well, screw him!" said the guy.
"I did." said the wife. "You're back to work Monday."

POSTED AT A LOCAL GOLF CLUB!!
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet, but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.
The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."

Watching from the Club house overlooking the 10th green, we saw a foursome approaching. Having marked their balls, suddenly one of the guys fell down and the three others started a fist fight. The Golf Captain stormed out from the Club house to separate the fighting men. "Why are you fighting?" he asked "You see," said one of them, "my partner had a stroke and died just now, and these buggers want to include it on the scorecard."

One under par is a birdie,
one over par is a bogey,
now theres the "Lewinsky".
This is where the shot lands
3 feet from the hole.

A man was invited to play at his friend’s course and during the round he felt the call of nature, was far away from the toilets and so he went behind a tree believing that he was unobserved. However, on a parallel fairway, three lady members were playing. As they passed they were surprised to observe just a very private part of a man’s anatomy protruding from around the tree. He’s certainly not my husband, I can tell, said the first lady, Disgusting - I’m glad he’s not mine either, said the second lady. It really is a damned cheek, said the third. That’s not even a club member!

Fred had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives. The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul language." "I guess not, said Fred, "what the hell do they have to cuss about?"

STRANGE PRO
"I don't know about that new pro," said Dave. "He may be a little strange."
"Why do you think that?" asked Clyde. "He just tried to correct my stance
again." "So?" said Clyde. "He's just trying to help your game." "Yeah, I
know," said Dave, "but I was standing at the urinal at the time

Men have two emotions: Hungry and horny...
... If you see me without a boner, make me a sandwich...

Birthdays are good for you: the more you have the longer you live

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Rodney sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" asked the lawyer.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked Rodney incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"It's of you and your mistress."

It is two o'clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings.
The husband picks up the phone and says, "Hello? ...How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" promptly slamming the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"
The husband replies, "I don't know, it was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

Maria was a devoted, religious girl. She got married and had 17 children. Then her husband died. She remarried two weeks later, and had 22 children by her next husband. Then he died. A while later, she died.
At the funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At least they're finally together."
A guy sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"
The priest said, "I mean her legs."

Tidbits of Info
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes...
Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them use to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."...
The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo...
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

[ Back ]................................................................................................................................................... [ Forward ]