Past month Featured Jokes .....June



An owner of a horse ranch receives a call from a friend, saying he is sending over a midget with a speech impairment who is looking to buy a horse.

The midget arrives, and the rancher asks if he would like a male or female horse.

"A female horth," the midget replies. So, the rancher shows him his finest filly. "Nith looking horth. Can I thee her mouf?"

So, the rancher picks up the midget and shows him the horses mouth.

"Nith mouf. Can I thee her eyeth?"

Again, the rancher picks the midget up and shows him the horses eyes.

"O.K., what about her earzth?"

The rancher, getting pretty pissed by now, lifts him up higher to the ears.

"O.K.," says the midget,"can I thee her twat?"

With that, the rancher picks up the midget and shoves the little fella's head way up into the filly's crotch, then yanks him out.

Shaking his head, and out of breath the midget says: "Perhapth I thould rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awownd a little bit?



MacDermott and MacDuff were sitting in the clubhouse on a raw, blustery day, thawing their beards in front of the fireplace while freezing rain beat against the windows. The pair were silent for a long time over their whiskeys.

Finally, MacDermott spoke, "That was quite a round of golf."

"Aye," MacDuff replied.

"Same time next Saturday?"

"Aye," said MacDuff, "weather permitting."



After the best score ever, the old golfer was driving home when he was stopped by what appeared to be a rookie police officer. Here's what happened next:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was suspended when I got my 5th DUI after my last 19th hole.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes, sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk with my golf clubs.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver:
Yes, sir.

The officer immediately called his captain for help and the golfer's car was quickly surrounded by police. The captain walked up to the golfer's window:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure.
Here it is.(It was valid)

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. (The driver owned the car).

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it, only my spike wrench and spare cleats. (Sure enough, there was only the cleats and wrench).

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? My officer told me there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. (Trunk is opened; no body).

Captain:
I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body stuffed in the trunk with your clubs.

Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet that lying jerk told you I was speeding, too!



Jill:
"I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men."

Mary:
"TELL me about it! I went golfing with my ex one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!"

Jill:
"Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?"

Mary:
"I thought I asked legitimate questions - like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"



Two men are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomies. A nurse comes in and asks the men to strip and put on their medical gowns while they wait for the doctor. A few minutes later she comes back, reaches under one man's gown and begins to masturbate him. Shocked, he says, "My God, what are you doing?" To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure." Not wanting to cause a problem,the man relaxes and enjoys it as she completes her task.

The second man watches all of this and by the time the nurse turns to him is quite ready for his turn. To his surprise, she drops to her knees, opens her lips and begins to give him a blow job.

The first man says, "Hey, what is this? Why is it that I get a hand job and he gets a blow job?" The nurse says,

"That, sir, is the difference between an HMO and Blue Cross."



A man is getting married, and is standing by his bride at the church. Standing by him is his golf clubs and bag. His bride whispers: "What are your golf clubs doing here?" and the man said "This is not going to take all day is it?"



SIGN ON A GOLF COURSE:

All persons (except players) caught collecting golf balls on this course
will be prosecuted and have their balls removed."



The doctors office

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"



Standing on the tee of a par three with a lot of water to clear before the green, I asked my caddy how should I play this shot, meaning which club to choose.

He replied, "with an old ball."



An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am," said the cop, "I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy." "Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home," responded the Amish lady.

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away!" instructed the cop.

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.
"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked Jacob.
"He said the reflector is broken," replied the lady.
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" wondered Jacob. "I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake"...



The Bar

Man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for three shots of vodka. Bartender asks him what's wrong? The guy says, "I just found out my brother's gay." The next day the man walks in and again orders three shots of vodka. Again, the bartender wonders what has happened? "I just found out my son is gay." The next day it's the same three shots for this guy and the bartender asks the guy, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"

The guys takes his shots, looks at the bartender and says, "Yeah, my wife."



Little Old Woman

Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: I was on my front porch on a warm Spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down next to me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you ?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next
Little Old Woman! : Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "take me, young man, take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Woman: Hell, no! That's when he yelled "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!


Blind Skydiving

A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:
"I am placed in the door and told when to jump.
My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.
But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered "Oh, that's the easy part. It's when the dog's leash goes slack."



An Essential Golfer's Glossary

Banana --------- A huge drive that curves wide in the air.
Beach ---------- sand trap as in, "It's on the beach."
Dance floor ------ The green, as in "You're on the dance floor."
Fried egg ------- ball buried in the bunker.
Going fishing --------- Retrieving a ball from water.
Never up, never in------------Your putt is short.
Rain maker------- A ball hit up high.
S.B.S. -------- Sloppy but satisfactory.
Snake -------- A long putt that makes it into the hole.
That'll play ------- Bad shot.
Thread the needle ----------- A shot between two trees.
U.S.A. ---------- "You still away" meaning you are still not on the green.
Yips ---------- A putting spasm, as in "You've got the yips.





[ Back ]................................................................................................................................................... [ Forward ]