Past Months Featured Jokes...July 03

Today's Blessing:
May the fleas of one thousand camels infest the crotch of the person
who fucks up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.

A young couple took their two-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of 15 warm and fluffy pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, mom," he exclaimed, "for me?"
"Just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father."

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as he father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump and chest.
After a few minutes, Little Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."
Little Johnny looked worried and said, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!"
"Why?" his father asked.
"Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!"

A champion steeple chase jockey was about to enter an important race on a horse he had not previously ridden. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and said, "This horse will win by 10 lengths. All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLEE OOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thought the trainer was loopy, but promised to shout the command. As he approach the first hurdle, the jockey decided to ignore the trainer's ridiculous advice - and the horse crashed straight through the centre of the jump, covering the jockey with sticks and straw. As they approached the second hurdle the jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispered 'Allee oop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happened - the horse crashed straight through the centre of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey yelled, "ALLEE OOP!" really loudly and the horse sailed over the jump with no problems. This continued for the rest of the race, but because of the earlier problems the horse could only finish third.
The trainer was furious and stormed up to the jockey demanding to know what the bloody hell he did wrong. The jockey replied, "Nothing's wrong with me - it's your stupid bloody horse. What's he deaf or something?"
The trainer looked aghast. "Deaf?? DEAF?? You useless bastard! He's not deaf - he's fuckin' BLIND!"

Say What?
An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.
The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.
"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." "Honey, what's for supper?"
No response.
So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"
No response.
So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"
No response.
On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?".
No response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
"FOR THE FIFTH TIME, CHICKEN!!!"

A woman who had the worst chronic headache goes to a famous "new age" holistic doctor, as a last resort. "Doctor, I have tried everything, but my headache just won't go away."
The doctor replied, "You have come to the right place. This is what I want you to do: go home, stare at yourself in the mirror, point your index fingers at your temples, and repeat this mantra: "I really don't have a headache...I really don't have a headache". Do it as long as it takes, the headache is just going to vanish."
As she leaves the doctor's office, skeptical but curious at the same time, she tries the maneuver in front of the mirror in the elevator. Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating "I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache...". She has barely said it four times, when she realizes her headache is gone.
Shocked and elated, she runs back up to the doctor. "Doctor, you are a genius! Can I please send you my husband? He's been having problems in a certain department... how can I put it... "
"When was the last time you two had sex?"
"About eight years ago."
"Send him over."
A few days later, she is waiting with baited breath for her husband to come home from the doctor. He arrives, asks her to wait, and goes straight to the bathroom. When he comes out, he throws her on the couch and starts making wild passionate love to her. When he's finished, he goes right back to the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her bliss and starts at it again, like an insatiable young man. After another hour of great sex he goes and locks himself in the bathroom again.
At this point the wife has become unbearably curious. She tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks through the keyhole, and sees her husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers pointed at his temples, repeating: "That woman is not my wife, that woman is not my wife....."

Subject: Ain't It The Truth!
Two Iraqis meet in California. One starts to greet the other in Arabic,the language of their native country.
The other Iraqi waves him away contemptuously and says, "We're in America now, Speak Spanish!"

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day, when they came to a busy intersection. The dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street. The blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass..... .

Norman and his blonde wife live in Prince George. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car, again.
The next week they are having breakfast, again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park ...........," then the electric power goes out.
Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."
Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Subject: Fw: Goodby My Love
Sam is dying. His wife, Carol, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, with tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling,Carol," he whispered.
"Hush, my love, " she said, "Rest. Shhhhhh, don't talk."
In his tired voice, "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Carol. "Everything's all right, just go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Carol, I....I cheated on you".
"I know," Carol whispered as she softly stroked his forehead. "Just let the poison work."

After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches setting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before my operation."

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked "What is the fastest thing you know of? Pointing to the man on his right. The first man replied "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
That's very good!" replied the interviewer. And now you sir? He asked the second man. "Hmm....let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know ever it happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of." Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliche for speed."
As he turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant." Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said
Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question. &after hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea."
WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
Oh I can explain." said the fourth man.
"You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I'd shit my pants!"
He got the job!

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