This months Featured Jokes...June 03

The French Tennis Open for this year has been canceled due to a national crisis.
They have plenty of rackets...but no balls!!

A lion in the zoo was lying in the sun licking its butt when a visitor turned to the zookeeper and said, That's a docile old thing, isn't it?
No way, said the zoo keeper, it's the most ferocious beast in the zoo.
Why just an hour ago it dragged a Frenchman into the cage and completely devoured him. Hardly seems possible said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking its butt?
The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth.

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing: It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following events is put into motion.
1) The woman goes to the store.
2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils,
.....and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking ice tea.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off.
......And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes
......that there's just no pleasing some women.

THE TRUTH IN 13 WORDS!
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering . WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!!!!

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

Little Nancy was in the garden filling a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, What are you doing there Nancy?
My goldfish died, replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, and I've just buried him.
The neighbor was very concerned. That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?
Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, That's because he's inside your fucking cat...

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is. Billy And what is your question, Billy?
I have three questions.
First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan;
second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office;
and third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?
Just then the bell rings for recess. Senator Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Hillary says, Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?
A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is. Steve And what is your question, Steve?
I have five questions.
First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan;
second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office;
third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House;
fourth - why did the bell ring 20 minutes early;
and fifth - what happened to Billy?

A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?".
The lady say's "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you any for that reason" says the druggist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife, and shows it to the druggist.
He looks at the photo and says" Oh I didn't know you had a prescription!"

One morning a long-wed couple were in an amorous embrace and the wife says: "Honey, that Viagra is so wonderful, let me fix us a nice full breakfast... eggs, bacon, toast..."
The husband says: "No, I'm not hungry, the Viagra takes away my appetite."
Later in the day, the wife says: "Sweetheart, I want to do something for you, let me fix you a nice wholesome lunch, fresh salad with your favorite ingredients, steamed veggies, and some grilled fish fillets..."
The husband again refuses, "I'm just not hungry after using that Viagra."
Long about dinner time, the wife tries again, "Are you hungry yet?, I'll fix a steak and potatoes dinner with hot rolls."
The husband still refuses, "No, that Viagra just kills my appetite."
The wife then firmly says "Well, I'm getting something to eat, so get OFF of me!!!"

Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"
The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?"
The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"
The first guy says, "I don't know."
The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"

The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!"
The tower came back and asked what was wrong.
The blind guy says, "Help Me!! I'm blind, the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!!"
The tower comes back and asks, "How do you know you're upside down?"
The blind guy replies, "Because the SHIT is running UP my back!"

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