This months Featured Jokes...August 03

Mood Ring...
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big fuckin' red mark on his forehead.

Welcome to Heaven St Peter says to the newly arrived politician. Before you settle in, you must spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.
St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the people. They play golf and dine on lobster and caviar. the devil is also there, a very friendly guy who laughs and tells jokes.
It is time to go. Everyone waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up and the door reopens on Heaven, where St. Peter is waiting for him. Now it's time to visit Heaven.
24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.
The politician reflects for a minute, then answers: Well, Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.
Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes back down to hell. The doors of the elevator open, and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The devil comes over to him and grins menacingly.
I don't understand, stammers the politician. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my Friends look miserable.
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!

A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day she calls home and a strange woman answers.
Wife: Who is this?
Maid: This is the maid.
Wife: We don't have a maid.
Maid: I was hired this morning by the man of the house.
Wife: Well, this is his wife. Is he there?
Maid: He's upstairs in the bedroom with someone whom I assumed was his wife.
The wife is livid, gasping for air. She says to the maid...Listen, would you like to make $50,000?
Maid: What will I have to do?
Wife: I want you to take my gun from the top desk drawer and shoot him and the woman he's with.
The maid puts the phone down.
The wife hears footsteps and the gunshots, then more footsteps.
Maid: What do I do with the bodies?
Wife: Just drag them out and throw them in the swimming pool.
Maid: But there's no pool here.
(A long pause)
Wife: Is this 832-4821?

A guy dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter issues him a white robe, a harp, and his very own cloud to float around on.
The guy thinks this is great.
One day he sees another cloud float by.
The guy on that cloud has a gorgeous, naked woman and a keg of beer with him
The first guy finds St. Peter and complains to him. How come this guy gets a gorgeous babe and keg of beer, when all I got is this white robe and a lousy harp?
St. Peter says, I know just who you're talking about. He's being punished.
The guy can't believe what he's hearing. How can that be? , he asks.
Well, says St. Peter, The keg has a hole in it, and the girl doesn't.

A Tennessee farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully from morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. So he tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began harassing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the farmer about it. After the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement." "And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale

A timid little man, ventured into a biker bar and clearing his throat asked, Which of you gentlemen owns the big Doberman chained outside to the parking meter?
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, It's my dog. Why?
Well, said the little man, obviously very nervous, My dog just killed it.
What? roared the big man in disbelief. What in the hell kind of dog do you have?
I have a little Poodle answered the man,
Bull! roared the biker, how could your poodle kill my Doberman?
Your dog choked on her, sir.

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.
Flattered, the man replied, Oh yes, I agree with you completely!
This must be a sign from God! The woman continued, and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, Aren't you having any?
The woman replies, No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.

A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home but that it'll cost over $5000, whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.
The guy says, "We'll ship her home."
The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."
The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

A South Carolina man, a Yankee and a Mexican are in a bar one night having a beer.
The Yankee drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says Up north our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice.
The Mexican [obviously impressed by this] drinks his beer, throw his glass into the air, pulls out his knife and wacks the glass to pieces. He says In Meheeco, we have so mush sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice neither.
The South Carolina man, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Yankee and the Mexican. He says In South Carolina we have so many Yankees and Mexicans that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.

A Texan looked up at the top of a tall building and discovered a man ready to jump!
Stop, he yelled, remember you're someone who has value!
The man yelled back, I just lost everything of value in the stock market!
But remember you're important to your wife, yelled the Texan.
She divorced me.
Your children! Remember your children, yelled the Texan.
They never call, said the man.
Then your parents. Remember your parents, yelled the Texan.
Dead as doornails, said the man.
Then 'Remember the Alamo, yelled the Texan.
WHAT'S THE ALAMO? inquired the man.
And the Texan replied, JUMP, you Yankee son of a bitch

A PREACHER was walking down the street, looking for the post office, when he noticed a boy standing nearby. He went over and told him, "Sonny, I'll give you a quarter if you show me where the post office is."
The boy took the preacher to the post office. The preacher gave him the quarter, then said, "Sonny, if you come to Sunday school and church tomorrow, I'll tell you how to get to heaven."
The boy looked the preacher in the eye and said, "I don't know about that--you couldn't even find the post office."

Subject: Farmer's Exchange
Is yer paw home? the farmer asked.
No sir he ain't, the boy replied. He went to town.
Well said the farmer, is yer maw here?
No, she ain't here neither. She went to town with paw.
How about your brother, Joe, is he here?
He went with maw and paw.
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting
from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
Is there anything I can do fer ya?, the boy inquired politely.
I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or
maybe I could take a message fer paw.
Well, said the farmer uncomfortably. I really wanted to talk
to yer paw. It's about your! brother Joe getting my daughter,
Pearly Mae, pregnant.
The boy considered for a moment. You would have to talk to pa
about that, he finally conceded. But if it helps you any, I know
that pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar hog, but I
really don't know how much he gets for Joe.

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.
You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.
Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it harder to forget you.
Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...
You blasted mosquito!

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