Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and
promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball,
but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a
pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't
show up. Finally, at 5 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and
very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was
supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other...."
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had died, Jenny went straight to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa died, her grandma, not holding back anything, explained. He had a heart attack during sex Sunday morning.
Horrified, Jenny suggested that sex at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble.
Oh no, her grandma replied, We had sex every Sunday morning in rhythm with the church bells. In with the dings, out with the dongs.
She paused to wipe away a tear, If it wasn't for that damn ice cream truck passing by, he'd still be alive!
A pro golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to
hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. I
have some good news and some bad news. says the surgeon. The bad news is
that I have to remove your right arm!
Oh god no! cries the man. My career is over! Please Doc, what's the good
news?
The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's
arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant
Go for it doc says the man. As long as I can play golf again.
The operation went well and 6 months later the man was out on the golf
course when he bumped into the surgeon. Hi, how's the new arm? asks the
surgeon.
Just great says the business man. I'm playing the best golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved.
That's great. said the surgeon
Not only that, continued the golfer, my handwriting has improved, I've
learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes
in watercolors
Unbelievable! said the surgeon, I'm so glad to hear the transplant was
such a success.
Well there is one problem, said the golfer, every time I try to jerk off
I get a headache!
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged
couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor said, We have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from having sex for two weeks. The couples agreed and came back at the end of
two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and
asked, Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?
The old man replied, No problem at all, Pastor.
Congratulations! Welcome to the church! said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and
asked, Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?
The man replied, The first week was not too bad.
The second week I had to sleep on the couch for
a couple of nights but, yes, we made it.
Congratulations! Welcome to the church! said the pastor.
The young couple returned to the church and the pastor asked, Well, were
you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?
No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex
for the two weeks,
the young man replied sadly.
What happened? inquired the pastor.
My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the
top shelf and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was
overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.
You understand, of course, this means you will
not be welcome in our church, stated the pastor.
We know, said the young man.
We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either.
One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts.
He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.
"Excuse me," the man stammered, "But I couldn't help but notice how beautiful your wife is."
"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.
"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts."
The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.
"OK," the husband says gruffly, "For ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's breasts."
At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.
"Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.
"I can't," replies our awe-struck man, still nuzzling away.
"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.
"I don't have ten thousand dollars."
A lady golfer who visits a driving range to tone up before a game, is about to tee off, when she notices the man next to her.
"Pardon me, sir" she said. "You are aiming in the wrong direction --- back towards the golf shop."
"Oy! - tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't know. I'm blindt." He then turns around and starts hitting out into the range. After a few minutes, he asks the lady how he is doing.
"Not bad." she answers. "Most of your shots are straight and fairly long. Only a few of them are slicing."
"Tanks, again, Missus," he replies. "Vitout you telling, I vouldn't know dese tings."
A few shots later, he enquires again. "Do you mind I should ask a poisonal qvestion?"
"Not at all," she replies.
"I don't do vell vit the ladies. Am I ugly or fat?"
"You're quite presentable," she replies "I don't think that should be a problem."
Smiling now, he exults "Vat a relief. I vas always afraid to ask. Again, I got to tank you."
He was about to hit another ball when the lady interrupts him.
"Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?" she asks
"Soitenly! Listen, I'll take all de help what youv'e got I vill take ." he answers.
"Lose the Jewish accent." she replies. "You're Chinese."
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
Eighty year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her
clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can
guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.
Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, Mike replies.
There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a
urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to
do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars.. a hell of a
lot cheaper than a doctor.
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer produces a printout:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water,
a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and
masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits
ten dollars, pours in the concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
A virile, young Italian was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome,
when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his
apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, So...you finish?
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, No.
Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love making resumed.
This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion.
The love making ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks,
You finish? And again, after a short pause, she returns his smiles,
cuddles closer to him, and softly says, No.
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man
reaches for her again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages
it. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his
head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again,
You finish!?
Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, No!, I Norwegian.
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air,
caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?
he yelled forcefully. No one answered.
All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse isn't back outside
by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas!
And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word,
had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked,
Say partner, before you go, what happened in Texas?
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home.
A mortician was laying out the body of a man with an
unbelievably long penis.
He called in his receptionist to show her.
She took one look and said, "It's just like my
husband's penis."
"Wow, you mean he's got one that long?" the
mortician asked.
"No," she replied. "That dead."
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his
parents began to yell and scream, Where did you get that car???!!!
He calmly told them, I bought it today.
With what money? demanded his parents. We know what a Porsche
costs.
Well, said the boy, this one cost me fifteen dollars.
So the parents began to yell even louder. Who would sell a car like
that for fifteen dollars? they said.
It was the lady up the street, said the boy. I don't know her
name--they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted
to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.
Dear God, moaned the mother, she must be a child abuser. Who knows
what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on.
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady
lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced
himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen
dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
Well, she said, this morning I got a phone call from my
husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run
off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me
to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.
Are women good or what! :>)
A Mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen.
When she got home Cora Jean asked her husband,
"Homer Ray, what in the heck do you think a specimen is?"
Homer Ray replied, "Danged if I know, Cora Jean.
Why don't you just go next door and ask ole Emmy mae. She's a nurse and all."
So, Cora Jean went next door to ask Emmy Mae.
She came back about 20 minutes later, but her clothing was torn and ripped,
and she had multiple cuts and bruises about her face and entire body.
"What in the tarnation happened to you, Cora Jean?" asked her husband.
"Danged if I know," she replied. "I asked Emmy Mae what a durned specimen was,
and she done told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go fart in a jug!
After that, all hell broke loose, Homer Ray---but I won!"
An American tourist in London found himself needing to
take a leak something terrible. After a long search he
just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve
himself. So he went down one of the side streets to
take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a
London police officer showed up.
"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer
asked.
"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta
take a leak."
"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look,
follow me."
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with
lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.
"Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."
The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and
started peeing on the flowers.
"Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the
officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this
customary British courtesy?"
"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French
Embassy."
Joe's wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner.
Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch. His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing?"
Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."
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