This months Featured Jokes...October 03

You don't stop laughing because you grow old.....You grow old because you stop laughing.... KEEP SMILING

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey...
He sits down and orders a drink. While he's drinking the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey picks up some olives off the bar and eats them. Then, he grabs some sliced limes and eats them too. As if that wasn't enough, he then jumps up onto the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it whole!
The bartender shouts at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - and swallowed it whole!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the man. "He eats everything in sight, the little rascal. I'll pay for everything he eats, cue ball and all." The patron finishes his drink, pays his tab and leaves.
Two weeks later, the same guy and his monkey are in the bar again. He orders a drink and, sure enough, the monkey starts running around the bar again.
The monkey happens upon a dish of maraschino cherries on the bar. So, he grabs a cherry, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.
The completely disgusted bartender exclaims, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" responds the monkey's owner.
"Man, your monkey just stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy, "ever since he ate that cue ball, he measures everything first."

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies:
"He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot.
They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."
As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.
The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?
Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, he makes $178,100 a day, working or not.
If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it? However . . .

If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.

Game over. Nerd wins....

A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new city outfit.
He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweetyoung woman if she could help him, he answered, Yes ma'am.Ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete city outfit.
Her eyes lit up as she asked, Where would you like to start?
Well, ma'am, how about a suit?
Yes sir. What size?
Size 53 tall, ma'am.
Wow, that's really big.
Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas.
What's next? she asked.
He replied, How about some shoes?
What size?
Size 15 double E.
Wow, that's really big!
Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas.
What's next?
Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt.
Yes sir. What size?
Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38, he replied.
Wow, that's really big!
Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas.
Will there be anything else? she asked.
Yes ma'am. I 'spect I'll need a hat.
Yes sir. What size? and style?
Eight and five-eighths. Stetson.
Wow, that's really big!
Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas.
She virtually glowed as she asked, Is there anything else I can do for you?
No ma'am , I reckon that will be all.
As the sweet young thang tallied up his bill, and as the Texan counted out his money, she blushed and asked, Sir, could I ask you a question?
Yes ma'am, I already know what it is.
And the answer is four inches.
Astonished, she blurted out, Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, From the floor, ma'am. From the floor.

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and the officer walked up to the car.
The Female police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle."

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing . . .
there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Did you ever wonder.........
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
Why are you IN a movie, but your ON TV?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
And finally ... Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
The hardest thing in life to learn..... is which bridge to cross and which to burn ...

Quote of the Day
Life isn't like a box of chocolates,
it's more like a jar of jalapeños.
What you do today,might burn your ass tomorrow.

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