This months Featured Jokes...November 03

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for Gorilla Removers.
He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
What are you going to do, the homeowner asks?
I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
What's the shotgun for? asks the homeowner.
If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog

Forgiveness
The preacher's, Sunday sermon was Forgive Your Enemies.
He asked, how many have forgiven their enemies?
About half held up their hands.
He then repeated his question.
Now about 80% held up their hands.
He then repeated his question again.
All responded, except one elderly lady.
Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies? asked the preacher.
I don't have any. she replied.
Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you? asked the preacher.
Ninety-three. she replied.
Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person
cannot have an enemy in the world. asked the preacher.
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and said,
It's easy, I just outlived all those bitches.

It was a hot day in Minnesota. A good Norwegian lady named Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.
Gootness, it's hot, she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed by a tavern and thought, Vy nodt? So she walked in and took a seat at the bar.
The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink. Ya know, Helga said, it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer.
The bartender asked, Anheuser Busch? Helga blushed and replied, Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?

The mistress of an English manor had just hired a new housemaid, an Irish lass, straight out of the country. The first day she was dusting in the Smoking Room where the Master of the house sat reading. On the mantel, she saw and dusted a small bowl containing a couple of small round white balls.
She, being curious and not bashful, asked, "What are these?"
He looked up, saw where she was pointing, and answered, "Golf balls."
She said, "OH!", and went on dusting. A few days later, she was dusting again in the same room, where the master was again reading. Again, in the same bowl were small white balls, only now there were four.
She said, "I see you shot another Golf."

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double scotch on the rocks.
After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch.
After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double scotch.
Finally, the bartender said, Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks all night long. But you gotta tell me why
you look inside your shirt pocket before you order another,
The customer replied, I'm looking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's
time to go home,

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.You know love, she says.
I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my tush is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby.
She turns to her husband and says, Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.
He thinks about it for a bit and then says, Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight!

So this lady is giving a party for her grand daughter, and has gone all out.....caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout.
Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all.
The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.
She speaks to the other bum and says, What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!
Other bum says, Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, If I lose this case, I'll be ruined.
It's in the judge's hands now, said the lawyer.
Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars? asked the defendant.
Oh no! said the lawyer. This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge.
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked.
I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them, said the lawyer.
But I did send them, said the defendant.
What?? You did?
Yes, That's how we won the case.
I don't understand, said the lawyer.
It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, and enclosed the plaintiff's business card...

Cohen showed up at synagogue one Saturday and the rabbi almost fell down when he saw him. Cohen had never been seen in a synagogue in his life. After Services, the rabbi caught Cohen and said Mr. Cohen, I am so glad you decided to come here. What made you come?
Cohen said, I got to be honest with you, Rabbi, a while back, I misplaced my favorite hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that Levy had one just like mine and I knew that Levi came to Services every Saturday. I also knew that Levy takes off his hat during Services and he leaves it in the back of the sanctuary. So, I was going to leave after the SHMAH and steal Levi's hat.
The rabbi said, Well, Cohen, I notice that you didn't steal Levy's hat. What changed your mind?
Cohen said Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal Levy's hat.
The rabbi gave Cohen a big smile and said After I talked about Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?
Cohen shook his head and said No, Rabbi, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left it.

Marital Bliss
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?
Leroy replied, I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?
The father replied: Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.
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Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully, the divorce court Judge said, And I've
decided to give your wife $775 a week.
That's very fair, your honor, the husband said. And every now and then I'll try to send her
a few bucks myself,
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A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, I don't like the looks of your wife at all.
Me neither doc, said the husband. But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, I now pronounce you man and wife.
End of Marital Bliss

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