This months Featured Jokes...December 03

According to a Recent Study......
A study at the University of Missouri shows that the type of facial features that a woman finds attractive can differ, depending upon where she is at in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If a woman is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
If she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

Subject: Gov Emblem
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that..

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine..
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, What are you doing?
The little boy answered, I'm doing my math homework, mom.
And this is how your teacher taught you to do it? The mother asked.
Yes the little boy answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day,
What are you teaching my son in math?
The teacher replied, right now, we are learning addition.
The mother asked And are you teaching them to say
Two Plus Two, THAT SON OF A BITCH IS FOUR?
After the teacher stopped laughing she answered,,,no
what I taught them was
Two Plus Two,,,,"THE SUM OF WHICH, is four".

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.
Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said no.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after having sex with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys.
She will then get the disease that I just caught.
When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home.
On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the! bastard who ran over my FROG!"

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek

Henry goes to confession and says, Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women.
The priest says, Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing.
Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?
No, replies the priest. But it'll wipe that shit eatin grin off your face.

Lena folded and put away Ole's underwear.
Ole took out a pair the next morning and noticed there was powder all over the crotch area. He started to shake the powder out and said, Darn it, Lena, I vish you vouldn't put so much talcum powder in my undervear.
Lena replied, Dat's not talcum powder, Ole. Dat's Miracle Gro!

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said, I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player; the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die. So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said, I am the wife of the former U.S. President, a NY State Senator and a potential future president. And I am the smartest woman in American history, so America's people don't want me to die, and she took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, George W. Bush, said, I'm the president of the United States of America. I have great responsibility being the leader of a superpower nation. So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.
The 4th passenger, the Pope, said to the 5th passenger, a 10 year old schoolgirl, I am old and frail and don't have many years left, and as a Catholic, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.
The girl said, That's okay. There's a parachute left for you. America's smartest woman took my schoolbag

As a husband and wife are filing for divorce in court, the judge asks the wife her reasons for separating.
She says, He's a hobosexual.
The judge replies, You mean homosexual.
She answers, No, hobosexual. He's a fucking' bum.

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl named Mary on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
Nice bike the cop said did Santa bring it to you?
Yep, the little girl said, he sure did!
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?
Yes, he sure did, chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his dick covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.
The man looks a little perplexed and says: Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc.
The doctor answers: I'm sorry, there no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your dick.
The man screams in horror, Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.
The doctor replies: Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice.
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his dick and proclaims: Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease.
The guy says to the doctor: Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do?
My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my dick?
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: Stupid Amelican docta, always want to cut, cut, cut,
Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!
Oh, Thank God!, the man replies.
Yes, says the Chinese doctor, You no worry! Save money. You wait two weeks.
dick fall off by itself!

Subject: Are We Supposed to Have Cold Winter?
It was autumn, and the Native American Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, Is the coming winter going to be cold? It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed, the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
One week later he called the National Weather Service again. Is it going to be a very cold winter? he asked. Yes, the man at National Weather Service again replied, it's going to be a very cold winter.
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?
Absolutely, the man replied. It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.
How can you be so sure? the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.

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