This months Featured Jokes... June 04

Subject: Billy's Daddy
Little Billy was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc. Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Billy aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said Billy, "He works for the Kerry campaign, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

Kerry is out jogging one morning and notices Little Hannah on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to Little Hannah and says, "What's in the box, kid?"
Little Hannah says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."
John Kerry laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"
"Liberal Democrats," says Little Hannah.
"Oh that's cute," he says and goes on his way. . A few days later, John Kerry is running with his buddy Ted Kennedy and he spies Little Hannah with her box just ahead.
John Kerry says to Ted, "You gotta check this out," and they both jog over to Little Hannah.
John Kerry says, "Look in the box, Teddy, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey, kid, tell my friend Teddy what kind of kittens they are."
Little Hannah replies, "They're Conservative Republicans."
Whoa! John Kerry says, I came by here the other day and you said they were Liberal Democrats. What's up?
"Well," Little Hannah explains, "their eyes are open now."

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET A (TEXAS) BLONDE GENIE?
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet; he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills. Then, there's a knock at the door. . . . He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.
As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one, "I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire but why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."

The Spoon:
For anyone who has had to deal with those 'time management companies'.. you'll enjoy this one:
EATING OUT
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.
So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Q: Why are Mexicans so short?
A: When they're kids their parents tell them, "when you grow up, you have to get a job."

The Most Functional English Word
Well, it's shit...that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional
word in the English language.
Consider:
You can get shit-faced,
Be shit out of luck,
or have shit for brains.
With a little effort,
you can get your shit together,
Find a place for your shit, Or
be asked to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit,
buy shit,
sell shit,
lose shit,
find shit,
forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while
others can't tell the difference
between Shit and Shineola.
There are lucky shits,
dumb shits,
crazy shits,
There is bull shit,
horse shit and
chicken shit.
You can throw shit,
sling shit,
catch shit,
shoot the shit,
or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or
serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit
or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit,
some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit,
things can look like shit,
and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit,
not enough shit,
the right shit,
the wrong shit or
a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit,
have a mountain of shit, or find
yourself up shits creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit
and other times you fall in a bucket of shit
and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts,
it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit,
you don't need to know anything else!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit.
Or not do so, If you don't give a shit!
Well Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do Give A Shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit head........Well,
shit happens!
**Live for today cause tomorrow may never come. **

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