What do anniversaries and toilets have in common?
Men always miss both of them.
There are three religious truths in life:
1. Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of
the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in
first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes
a tissue and gently wipes between her legs. He isn't
sure he saw what she did and decides he hallucinating.
A few minutes pass and she sneezes again, takes a
tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.
The man is about to go nuts, he can't believe that
he's seeing what he's seeing. A few more minutes
pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue
and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.
He has finally had all he can handle, turns to the
woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three
times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your
legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are
you just trying to drive me crazy?"
The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you.
I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I
have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What
are you taking for it?
The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long
before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the
shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door
and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber
looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3
hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and
asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber
looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half."
The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says,
"Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps
asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then
doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop,
laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he
go when he left here?"
... Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"
A TRUE STORY ABOUT A GOOD FRIEND THAT DIED AT AGE 40
One Saturday morning he left the house to go play golf. He was
gone all day and all night. When he got home the next morning,
his wife was sitting on the sofa waiting for him. As he comes in the
house, with his golf hat on, his golf clubs over his shoulder, he looks
over at his wife and remarks, "Ya know, that was the slowest damm
group I ever played behind in my life."
A gent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts
small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name.
"Carmen," she replied.
That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation,
"Who named you, your mother?"
"No, I named myself, she answered.
"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking
directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked.
"Beerfuck."
Fore
A duffer hits a wicked slice of the tee that ricocheted through the trees and onto the next fairway,
narrowly missing another golfer.
When he got to his ball, he was greeted by the unintentional target, who angrily told him of the
near miss.
"I'm very sorry" the errant golfer said, "I didn't have time to holler fore".
That's funny the man replyed, you had plenty time to holler "SHIT".
Late Arrival
One golfer asked his friend, "Why are you so late in arriving for your tee time?"
His friend replied,
"It's Sunday. I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing golf."
"Yes," continued the friend, "but that stills doesn't tell me why you are so late."
"Well," said the fellow,
"It took over 25 tosses to get it right!"
Sports Study
After a 2 year study ,the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's recreational preferences:
The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball.
The sport of choice for maintenance level worker is: bowling.
The sport of choice for blue-color worker is: football.
The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.
The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis.
The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.
Conclusion:
The higher you rise in the corporate ladder the smaller your balls become.
One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey
staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's
foyer.
The plaque was covered with names and small American
flags were mounted on either side of it.
"Father Donovan," the boy asked, "what is this?
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and
women who died in the service," the priest explained.
They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque.
Little Davey softly asked, "Which service?
The 9:00 or the 10:30?"
A Monday morning gross-out...
An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking
drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand.
He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring,
"Well, it looks plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."
Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?"
The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
The attorney responded, "Let me take a look."
So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers,
then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic
and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is.
Where did you get it?"
The drunk replied, "Out of my nose!"
After witnessing his partner top three shots in a row, his buddy
suggests that he thinks he knows what the golfer's problem is.
This course seems to be about one inch lower than the course
you're
accustomed to playing on!!!
Top 18 Reasons
to Play Golf"
Front 9
1. You can play without risk of scandal.
2. Beats mowing the lawn.
3. Carrying clubs is considered socially acceptable.
4. Master the essential language: slice, shank, divot, bogie, green fee, sand trap, deep rough, mulligan, hacker, water hazard, double bogie, difficult lie, flub, handicap, worm burner, triple bogie, and Duffer.
5. Always a doctor nearby.
6. Would you rather do business at the office?
7. Handicap accessible.
8. Two methods to achieve a great score:
a) play as you lie
b) lie as you play
9. Drop a few shots at the 19th hole.
Back 9
10. The worse your game, the better the exercise.
11. "Holistic" stress reduction.
12. Great excuse to take a walk.
13. Work through lies without having to run for office.
14. Rather sink a birdie than hook a fish.
15. Putting is such sweet sorrow.
16. Old golfers never die..they just putter out.
17. Drinking and driving is encouraged... especially by your opponents.
18. Having a ball is par for the
course.
A penguin is driving his car on a hot summer day, when he
notices that his oil lite is on. He gets out of the car,
and sure enough, it's leaking oil all over. He drives
around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic
to take a look at it.
The mechanic says that he has a few other cars to look at
first, but he should have a diagnosis in about an hour.
The penguin agrees to come back and then goes for a walk.
He finds an ice cream shop and thinks, "Ahhh, a big bowl of
ice cream will hit the spot." He sits down at the counter
and orders the biggest bowl of vanilla ice cream they have.
After messily scarfing it all down, the penguin returns to
the garage to check on his car. "Did you find out what was
wrong with my car?" asks the penguin.
"It looks like you've blown a seal," replies the mechanic.
"No, no," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."
A teenager goes into a drug store and he says to the clerk,
"I want to buy some condoms. How much?"
The clerk responds
"I have these here... three for a dollar"
Teenager:
"Perfect. I'll buy three"
Clerk: "That will be one doller and three cents"
Teenager: "What's the three cents for?"
Clerk: "For the tax"
Teenager: "No, no, I want the ones that stay on by
themselves..."
A man asks his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"
She answers... "I'd love to be ten again."
So on the morning of her birthday, he gets her up bright and early and
off they go to the local Theme Park. What a day! He puts her on every
ride in the park, the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of
Fear...everything there is! Wow!
She staggers out of the Theme Park five hours later, her head
reeling and her stomach upside down. Right Into McDonald's they
go, and her husband orders a Double Big Mac for her along with
extra fries and a refreshing strawberry shake. Then off to a movie...
it's the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and
M & Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbles home with
her husband and collapses into bed.
He leans over lovingly and asks, "Well, dear, what was it like being
ten again?"
One eye opens and she groans, "Schmuck, I meant dress size."
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