Past month Featured Jokes .....August

The Seven Dwarfs were at the Vatican taking a tour. The first place they stopped at was the library, the priest says "This is where we do our readings and research for our masses.
Does any body have any questions?" Dopey puts up his hand and the priest says "Yes Dopey, what is your question?" Dopey says "Father, is there any dwarf nuns in the Vatican?" The priest thinks to himself and responds "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in the Vatican.
So they continue with the tour and they proceed to the church. The priest explains "This is where we do our masses. Does anybody have any questions?" Dopey puts two hands up and the priest says " Yes Dopey." in an impatient voice.
Dopey asks "Is there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The priest thinks about it for a minute because he doesn't want to give him the wrong answer, and says "No Dopey I don't think there are any dwarf nuns in Rome." They are at the end of the tour which takes place at the Alter. The priest says, "This is where we talk during the masses. Is there any questions?"
Dopey has both hands up and waving them about. The priest, with an impatient look, says to Dopey "Yes Dopey! What is it now?" Dopey asks "Are there any Dwarf nuns anywhere on the planet?" The priest thinks about it long and hard and says, "No Dopey, to my knowledge there are no dwarf nuns. All of a sudden you hear a chant from the six other Dwarfs
"DOPEY SCREWED A PENGUIN, DOPEY SCREWED A PENGUIN!"

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.
The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair.²
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word. The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life.²
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
"Hell no!" replies the old lady. "I want it four times in the rocking chair.

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66.
He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.
The teller said "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door,
turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake.
He finds a little prostitute and goes up into the room with her,draping his sailor suit across the bed.
He's goin' at it as best he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doin'?"
The prostitute says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"What's that?", he asks.
She says,"You're knot hard,
you're knot in, and
you're knot getting your money back."

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET BLONDE GENIE
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women.
He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100.00 bills.
Then, there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two persons dressed in Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead.
The Klansmen walk off. As they are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one "Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.
I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.
But to be hung like a black man is beyond me".

Chicken and an egg
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet and rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!

A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland.
When the man tells her it will be $300 She exclaims.."I don't have any money.. but I would
do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland !!!!
To that the man asks "Anything"??
And the blonde says "yes.. Anything"!! With that, the man says "Follow me"
..He walks into the next room and tells her "Come in and close the door"..She does!!
He then says "Get on your knees"..She does!!..
He then says take down my zipper"..She does!!...
He then says "Go ahead... Take it out"
With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands!!
The man then says "Well.. Go ahead"!!...
She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips..
She says "HELLO, MOM"????

Weight Loss
This guy was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees s an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Well, without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through, he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself, I like the way this company does business.
For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he's lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 lb. weight loss program.
The next day there's a knock at his door, and there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck, which reads, If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door like a shot. It takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She's the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time.
On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. He decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?",asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely!", he says. "I love your program. I haven't felt this good in years!"
The next day there comes a knock at this door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands Richard Simmons wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads "If I catch you, I can have you."

Sayings we'd like to see on those stupid Office Inspirational Posters

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
Plagiarism saves time.
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

A recent study was made to find out what days men prefer to have sex:
It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days
that started with "T":
Tuesday
Thursday
Thanksgiving
Today
Tomorrow
Thaturday and Thunday

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie. "Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" she exclaimed.
"No," said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."
"Let's see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want. I would like to get rid of these love handles, though.
Yes, that's it, for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed."
"Poof!"
And just like that... her ears were gone.

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published.
The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects, and then says well, then, let it read "Fred Brown died."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries.
She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Fred Brown died: golf clubs for sale.'"

Slip Of The Tongue
A guy boards a train bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him has a deeply bruised, black eye. "Heck, what a coincidence! We both have black eyes! Mind if I ask how you got yours?"
"Well," explains the man, "I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with beautiful breasts was behind the counter. When I asked to purchase a ticket to Pittsburgh, I accidentally blurted out 'I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh' and so she sucker-punched me!" The man continues, "What's your story?"
The other guy explains, "I was at the breakfast table and I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties,' but I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you stupid bitch.'"

A Kansas farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon,etc... After several weeks , he notices that none of the pigs is getting pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how will how know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lie down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs. So he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all and goes back to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at he pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around , he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them into the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still standing around. One more try ,he tells himself , and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods . He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning , he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are lying in the mud .
... "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

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