Past month Featured Jokes.....March 02

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office.
Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders,
back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
What the hell do you think you're doing? I'm a chiropractor,
and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line.
Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in
front of me, do you?

Sarah, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary,
spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the
roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the
first day, but on the second, she decided that no
one could see her way up there, and she slipped out
of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running
up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so
she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant
manager of the hotel, out breath from running up
the stairs. The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing
on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.
What difference does it make? Sarah asked rather
calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides,
I'm covered with a towel.
Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're
lying on the dining room skylight.

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch,
doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, Do you still
get horny?
The other replies, Oh sure I do.
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?
The second old lady replies, I suck a lifesaver.
After a few moments, the first old lady asks,
Who drives you to the beach?

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate
his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the
circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse."
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find
no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about
Tom? He came home last night,found his wife in bed with another man,shot
them both and then turned the gun on himself!"
"That's awful," said Frank, "but it could have been worse."
How in the hell, asked his bewildered friend, could it have
been worse?"
Well, replied Frank, if it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!

A young man in the Old West wanted to be the best
gunfighter alive. He practiced every day, but knew
he was still missing something that would make him
the best.
One night, as he was sitting in a saloon, he
spotted an old man who had the reputation of
being the greatest gunfighter in his day.So the
young fella went over to the old man and told
him his dream.
The old man looked him up and down and said, I
have a suggestion that is sure to help. Tell me,
tell me," said the young man. Tie the bottom of
your holster lower onto your leg.
Will that make me a better gunfighter? Definitely,
said the old man.
The young gunman did what he was told, then in a
flash he drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the
piano player. Wow, that really helped. Do you have
any more suggestions?
Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster
where the hammer hits. The gun will come out smoother.
Will that make me a better gunfighter? It sure will,
said the old man. The young guy did what he was told,
drew his gun in a blur and shot the cufflink off the
piano player.
This is really helping me. Is there anything else you
can share with me? One more thing," said the old man.
Get that can of axle grease over in the corner and rub
it all over your gun."
The young man didn't hesitate but started putting the
grease just on the barrel of the gun. No, the whole gun,
handle and everything." said the old man.
Will that make me a better gunfighter? No, said the old
man, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano
he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't
hurt as much.

Old Sean was desolate. It was time to plant potatoes
in Ireland but there was no one to put a shovel to
his garden.
His rebel son was in prison. So the arthritic
oldster wrote the boy, lamenting his lot.
Within days an answer arrived. "For the love of God,
Dad, don't dig in the garden. We buried the guns there.
English troops immediately showed up and thoroughly
plowed the plot but found no weapons.
The perplexed old man wrote to his son again,
telling him what happened.
The boy replied, "Now plant the potatoes."

In a recent interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf
was asked if he didn't think there was room for
forgiveness toward the people who have harbored
and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the
9/11attacks on America.
His answer was classic Schwartzkopf.
He said, I believe that forgiving them is God's
function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting.

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived a blind
little bunny and a blind little snake.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake
was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the
snake and fell down.
This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. Oh, my, said
the bunny, I'm terribly sorry.I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been
blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, I don't
even know what I am.
It's quite okay, replied the snake. Actually, my story is much the
same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth. Tell you what,
maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are,
so at least you'll have that going for you. Oh, that would be wonderful,
replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, Well, you're covered
with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have
a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny. Oh, thank you! Thank
you, cried the bunny in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, Maybe I could feel you with my paw,and
help you the same way you've helped me. So the bunny felt the snake all
over, and remarked, Well,you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked
tongue, no backbone and no balls.
I'd say you must be either a politician, an attorney, or possibly someone
in upper management.

There's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually
he's a golf fanatic. Every Saturday morning he
has an early tee time, gets up very early and
golfs all day long. Well this one Saturday morning,
he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs
out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive
to the course.
There's a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed
with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. He
comes back into the house and turns the TV to the
weather channel. From there he finds it's going to
be bad weather all day long. So he puts his clubs
back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips
back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's
back, and whispers, The weather out there is terrible.
To which she replies, "Can you believe my stupid
husband is out there golfing?"

A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well-dressed
gentleman on the street. "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?"
The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend it on liquor are you?"
"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.
"You are not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?" asks the gentleman.
"No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.
"You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for greens fees, would you?" asks the man.
"Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf."
The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal.
The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity
gets the better of him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at
your table?"
"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy
who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf."

A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful. So
So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons
of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there
must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5
gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, I
found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you
mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill
my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "OK. You want it Pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs."

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day.
One said to the other, "Why are we down in this
hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing
up there in the shade of a tree?"
I don't know," responded the other.
I'll ask him.
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss.
Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're
standing in the shade?
Intelligence, the boss said.
What do you mean, ‘intelligence'?
The boss said, Well, I'll show you.
I'll put my hand on this tree and I
want you to hit it with your fist
as hard as you can.
The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried
to hit the boss' hand. The boss moved his hand
and the ditch digger hit the tree.
The boss said, That's intelligence!
The ditch digger went back to his hole.
His friend asked, What did he say?
He said we are down here because of intelligence.
What's intelligence? said the friend.
The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said:
Take your shovel, and hit my hand!

Osama bin Laden found a bottle on the beach and picked
it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and
with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
Do you know who I am? bin Laden said menacingly, I don't
need anything from a woman except obedience. Now get out
of my sight."
The genie pleaded "But master, I must grant you a wish
or I will be returned to this bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment.Then, he said, "I want to wake up
in the morning with three American women in my bed."
Giving the genie an evil glare, he hissed "Now get
out of my sight!"
The genie said "So be it!" and disappeared back into the bottle.
The next morning, bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena
Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton.
His dick was gone,
his leg was broken,
and he had no health insurance.

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a
confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The
Priest coughs a few times to get his attention
but the drunk just sits there. Finally the Priest
pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk replies, "Ain't no use knockin, there's
no paper on this side, either."

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