Past month Featured Jokes.....April 02

Pharmacy
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and
that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males
employed there. She then asked if there was something which she
could help the gentleman with.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more
comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely
professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss,
he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest
level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to
discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of
problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what
you could give me for it?
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister.
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the
absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company
car, and $3000 a month living expenses.

A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive
Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the
perfect rug and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends to feel the texture of the rug,
she accidentally breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously
to see if anyone has noticed her little accident.
She turns and sees that standing next to her is
a salesman.
Good day, Ma'am. How may I help you today?
Very uncomfortable, she asks, "Sir, how much does
this rug cost?"
He answers, "Lady, you farted just touching it.
You're gonna shit when you hear the price."

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted
to marry her right away.
She protested, But we don't know anything about each other.
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other
as we go along.
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon
to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel,
climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer,
entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed
by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened
out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he
came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, That was incredible!
He said, I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you
we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along.
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving
so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would
hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool.
She did laps in freestyle, breaststroke, even butterfly! After about thirty
laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on
her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?
No, she said, I was a hooker in Wheeling and I worked both sides of the
river.

Clyde, a farmer in Alabama, decided his injuries from the accident
were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for
the accident) to court.
In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" asked the
lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer
the question. Did you or did you not say 'I'm fine' at the scene of
the accident?"
Clyde said, "Well, yes, but I had just got Bessie into the trailer and
was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after
the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said
to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite
mule, Bessie."
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, like I was saying,
I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was
driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer
ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was
thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I
was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could
hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible
shape just by her groans.
About that time a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear
Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. "After he looked at
her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and
looked at me and said, 'And, how are you feeling?'

A young hotshot gets a job with the IRS. His first assignment
is to audit an old rabbi.
He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old rabbi, so he says,
Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?"
The rabbi says, We send them to the candle factory, and every
once in a while they send us a free candle.
The kid says, And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?
The rabbi says, We send them to the matzoh ball factory, and every
once in a while they send us a free box of matzoh balls.
The kid says, And what do you do with the foreskins from your circumcisions?
The rabbi says, We send them to the IRS, and every once in a while
they send us a little prick like you.

Three dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer, and a Labrador are sitting in the
waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.
The Doberman turns to the Boxer and says, So why are you here?
The Boxer replies, I'm a pisser. I piss on everything -- the sofa,
the cat, the kid but the final straw was last night, when I pissed
in the middle of my owner's bed.
The Doberman says, So what is the vet going to do?
Lethal injection, came the reply from the sad Boxer.
The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks, Why are you here?
The Lab says, I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets. I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole
in my owner's couch.
So what are they going to do to you? the Doberman inquired.
Lethal injection, the dejected Labrador said.
The Labrador then turns to the Doberman and asks what he's at the
vet's office for.
I'm a humper, the Doberman says. I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump
everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the
shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help
myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away.
The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and say, So, lethal
injection for you too, huh?
No, no, the Doberman says, I'm here to get my nails clipped.

COWBOYS
At a small airport terminal in Texas, three strangers awaiting their
shuttle flight start conversing about the recent world events. The
strangers were of varying cultures. One was Native American. Another
was a cowboy from West Texas. The other, a devout Arab Muslim.
During their conversation, they began to discuss their cultural history.
The Native American stated once my people were many, now we are few.
The Muslim then chimed in and arrogantly said, once my people were few
and now we are many.
The cowboy looked at the Muslim, shifted the toothpick in his mouth and
said with a sly grin, That's cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet.

After her game of golf a lady player offered her caddy a ride into town.
The caddy thankfully accepted, and when they arrived at her house he
carried her clubs inside. The lady invited him to stay for lunch and
served him a wonderful meal.
She then invited him into the bedroom. He was puzzled, but went along
out of curiosity. She asked if he wanted to go to bed with her, so he
did that too. Later he realized it was time to get back to the course
and prepared to leave. The housewife insisted on giving him a dollar
before he could go.
Well it was too much for the poor man, and he asked her "Lady, what
is going on? First you feed me a delicious meal, and as if that isn't
enough, you invite me to make love to you and we have a terrific time
together. Now you want to pay me?! What IS this, anyway?" so she
explained proudly:
Well, you know Christmas is coming, and I told my husband I wanted
to do something nice for my caddy who is so faithful and helped me
so much this year.
My husband said, 'Screw the caddy! Give him a dollar!'... the lunch was my idea!

One day a five year old little girl excitedly approached her
mother, and announced that she had learned how you get a
baby. The mother was amused and said, "Oh really sweetie,
why don't you tell me all about it?"
The little girl then explained, "Well, the mommy and daddy
take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's wiener
stands way up high, and the mommy kneels on the floor and
puts the daddy's wiener in her mouth, and then the daddy's
wiener sort of explodes and makes sticky juice into the
mommy's mouth, and then the mommy swallows the sticky
juice, and that's how you get a baby."
The mother looked lovingly at her daughter, leaned over
to meet her eye to eye and said, "Oh honey, that's
sweet, but that's not how you get a baby. That's how
you get jewelry."

What is Easter?
Three blondes die in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and
are at the pearly gates of Heaven. Saint Peter tells them that they
can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious
question.
The question posed by Saint Peter is "What is Easter"?
The first blonde replies, Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in
November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful.
Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the
other place! replies Saint Peter.
He turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question:
What is Easter?
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when
we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth
of Jesus."
Saint Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the pearly
gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her
friend in the other place. She is not welcome in Heaven.
He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, Do YOU
know what Easter is"?
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks Saint Peter in the eyes,
I know what Easter is.
Oh? says Saint Peter, incredulously.
Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish
celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at
the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to
the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be
crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown
of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands
and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by
a large boulder."
Saint Peter smiled broadly with delight.
The third blonde continued... "Every year the boulder is moved aside
so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be
six more weeks of winter."

A Senior Consultant Gynecologist is playing a four ball at his local golf club.
Now this Gynecologist is a very selfish golfer. He has no regard for etiquette,
is totally wrapped up on his own game and cares nothing for his partners, the
players in front or behind.
On this particular day he is struggling off the tee and despite the efforts of
his partners is very slow. Two lady golfers very quickly catch up the four ball
and have to wait on every shot. By the 8th, the ladies are sick of waiting and
one decides to drive off.
I shouldn't if I were you, her partner says, "You may hit him." " I don't care
it may quicken him up," she replies, and drives off. The ball lands about 20
yards behinds the Gynecologist and runs past him.
He turns and glares angrily back at the ladies before moving on. This has no
effect and at the 12th the lady does the same again. Again the ball lands 20
yards behind the Gynecologist and runs past him.
He turns, shakes his fist at the ladies and moves on. No affect again and at
the 14th the lady does the same again. The ball lands about 20 yards behinds
the Gynecologist and runs past him.
The Gynecologist picks up the lady's ball, walks back to the tee, says to her
"Madam if you do that to me again I shall place this ball where only a member
of my profession can retrieve it!"

Hilary is not feeling well. She goes to her doctor and gets a complete physical,
only to find out that she is pregnant.
She is furious and can't believe this has happened. She calls the White House
and gets Bill on the phone, and immediately begins to berate him, screaming:
How could you have let this happen? With all of the trouble going on right
now, you go and get me pregnant!!! How could you?!
I just found out I am pregnant and it is your fault! How could you??? What
have you got to say???
There is nothing but silence on the phone. She screams again: "CAN YOU HEAR ME???
Bill's quiet voice comes on in a barely audible whisper...Who is this?

Federal Aviation Agency
800 Independence Avenue S.W.
Washington D.C. 20591
Dear Sirs;
I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time
getting our airline industry back on its feet. Since men of the Muslim
religion are not allowed to look at naked women, we should replace all of
our female flight attendants with strippers.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked
woman, and of course, everyone in this country would start flying again
in hope of seeing a naked woman.
We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have
record sales.
Now why didn't Congress think of this?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

Six Jewish gentlemen were playing poker in the Condo clubhouse
when Meyerowitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest
and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete
their playing time standing up.
Finkelstein looks around and asks Now, who is going to tell the wife?
They draw straws. Goldberg, who is always a loser picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, and don't make a bad situation
any worse than it is.
Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet.
Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.
Goldberg schleps over to the Meyerowitz apartment, knocks on the door,
the wife answers, and asks what he wants.
Goldberg declares Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.
She hollers, "TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!
Goldberg says, "I'll tell him.

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office.When the doctor asked
why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control
pills.
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me,
Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have
for birth control pills?
The woman responded, They help me sleep better.
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth
control pills help you to sleep?
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every
morning and I sleep better at night.

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