Past months Featured Jokes.....May 02


President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and
Powell sitting over there?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor.
What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III ".

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this
time and one blonde with big tits

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde
with big tits?

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says,
"See, smart ass?! I told you no one would worry about the
140 million Iraqis!"



Little Johnny is delivering newspapers. He knocks on a door and
says to the lady, "I'm collecting today... that'll be five dollars."

She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but I'll gladly give you some
great sex instead."

Little Johnny agrees, "All right." He walks in and the lady undoes his
pants and pulls them down. To her surprise, she sees the biggest penis
she's ever seen. Little Johnny then reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls
out a handful of washers, and begins sliding them onto his penis.

The lady says, "You don't have to do that... I can take all of it."

"Not for five bucks you can't," replies Little Johnny.



Redneck Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple
decided that was enough, as they could not afford a
larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and
told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any
more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called
a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was
expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor,
was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal
in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold
the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the
smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting
a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to
help me "Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in
a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to
count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between
his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi,
West Virginia and Minnesota.



A man rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name
on the group mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady comes out of the
apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. He smiles at the young girl
and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips
open, and it quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor guy
breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my
apartment, I hear someone coming." He precedes her into the apartment, and
after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall
completely open. She purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered, embarrassed guy stammers, clears his throat several times, and
finally squeaks out "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"

She's astounded! Why my ears? Look at these boobs! They are full, don't sag,
and they're all mine! My butt; it's firm, doesn't sag, and has no cellulite!
Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say
my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, he stammers, "Outside when you said you heard
someone coming, THAT WAS ME!"



CHILI COOK-OFFS

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first
two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who
may have lived in Texas, you know how true this is!

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,
so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:
__________________________________________________________

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE:
A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO:
Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK:
Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

__________________________________________________________

CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE:
Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO:
Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK:
Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush
in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

__________________________________________________________

CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE:
Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO:
A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK:
Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced
from all the beer.

________________________________________________________

CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE:
Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO:
Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK:
I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it,is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally,the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300
lb. bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste
I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

_______________________________________________________

CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE:
Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO:
Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK:
My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes.I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.I wonder if I'm burning
my lips off? It really pissed me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

________________________________________________________

CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE:
Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO:
The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,and garlic.

FRANK:
My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried
it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my ass with a snow cone!

___________________________________________________

CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE:
A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO:
Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I
am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit
of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK:
You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to
match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it,I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.



On the first day of their honeymoon, the young blonde bride slipped
into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled
into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled
down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love
to her, he replied, Because it's Lent.

Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous
thing I have ever heard!

Who did you lend it to, and for how long?!!!



This guy went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front
of the gorilla's enclosure, the wind gusted and he got some grit
in his eye.

As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla
went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.

When the guy came to, the zookeeper was anxiously bending over him.
As soon as he was able to talk, he asked what had happened.

The zookeeper explained that in gorilla language, pulling down your
eyelid means, Fuck you.

This didn't make the gorilla's victim feel any better and he vowed
revenge. The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats,
two party horns, and a large sausage.

Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to
the gorilla's cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn.

Knowing that the big apes were natural mimics, he put on a party hat.
The gorilla looked at him, and looked at the hat, and put it on.

Next he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his
horn and did the same.

Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants,
and sliced it neatly in two.

The gorilla looked at the knife in his cage, looked at his own crotch, ----and pulled down his eyelid.



A woman goes to the doctor's office. "Doctor, I've
got a strange problem I need your opinion on.

Could you describe the symptoms to me?" he asked.

Well, it's easier if I show you," she said and,
standing up, proceeded to undress.

When she was down to her underwear she sat on
the edge of the examining table and spread her
legs to reveal two small green circles on her
inner thighs.

They don't hurt or anything, but I was a little
worried about them.

The doctor peered closely at the two circles and
said, "Are you a lesbian, by any chance?.

Embarrassed and slightly non-plussed at this
question coming from a man with his head between
her thighs she replied, Well, yes, I am actually.
Why do you ask?

Well, I'm afraid you'll have to tell your girlfriend
that her earrings aren't real gold.



Married Life...

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait
to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..

Where are you going, coochy cooh...? asked the wife.

I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.

The wife said, You want a beer, my love? She opened the door
to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer,
brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan,
India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that
he could think of saying was, Yes, loolie loolie...but at the
bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted
him by saying, You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a
huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting
chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at
the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...
I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh? She opened the oven and took
out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a
blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...there's swearing, dirty
words and all that...

You want dirty words, cutie pie?...

LISTEN, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR GOD-DAMN FROZEN
MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING
ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?!!



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